How to Deal with Conflict

I've been thinking a lot about conflict since that is our final (on February 3rd) part in our Relationship Toolbox series. Conflict happens in all our lives. One friend enjoys going to Applebee's and the other prefers Chipotle. Now, that's not a life-altering conflict but it is one. Sometimes we're too nice to one another and so eat at Applebee's and never say we don't like it. One couple I know found out a year later that they both preferred Chipotle but neither wanted "to be mean" about it!

Conflict happens whenever there is even a small group of human beings in the same space. Some people think working in a church must surely be the ideal setting. But in the church too we find conflict because human beings work there. And there's conflict when there's just 1 - we are often conflicted about a choice to make in life.

In marriage the three biggest areas of conflict are: Money, Sex & In-Laws/Family in that order. Honestly, I think those are the three biggest conflict areas for anyone, married or not.

A good friend of mine, Dan, has a phrase: "Stay in the room." When there is conflict be sure that you don't lose connection. The only bad conflict is when it leads to a lack of connection. If there's no communication, if there's not honesty, if there's not an effort to maintain the relationship connection, then conflict is bad.

There is a lot of conflict in the Bible. A notable incident is recorded in Acts 15. Paul and Barnabas had just completed a successful missionary journey planting and strengthening churches. In Jerusalem, after the church leaders worked their way through a conflict, it's Paul and Baranabas that get into such a sharp disagreement that they part ways. They disagreed on whom whether or not to take a young disciple, John Mark, on their second journey, after he abandoned Paul and Barnabas on the first journey.

Christians sometimes think that all conflict is bad, that all separations are evil, that something must be wrong. That's simply not true. It's the way conflict is handled that matters most.


I'm certainly no expert, having made my share of mistakes in handling conflict. Sometimes I wait too long and other times I charge in too quickly. But there are some good guidelines for handing conflict that I have found helpful over the years.

1. Live by Romans 12:18 - "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." I love the acknowledgment of truth - the possibility that we won't live at peace with all people. My job is to own what I can own, while making sure I don't own what is someone else's to own.

In conflict, God says the responsibility is with me to make the approach. It doesn't mean walk right in. Sometimes the right move is to give space.  Sometimes the right move is an offer to talk. Timing certainly does matter.

My wife needs space to think. I like to talk things through. We've had conflict about the way we approach conflict!


2. Don't take it personally - unless it is. This is a growing edge for me that I wrote about this summer (Q-TIP, Endings & Beginnings, A Passion for Truth, Ego: Friend or Foe, Regular Renewal for Growth) and continue to learn to apply it. Sometimes the conflict IS personal - when it's something you can't change like the pitch of your voice that annoys. You can't change that but you can be aware of it.

Some conflicts are made personal by the nature of the attacks but maturity and grace accepts truth wherever it can find it, and is appreciative of the opportunity to grow.

3. The relationship is the goal. This goes right in line with #2 but takes it a step further. Not only don't take it personally but make sure the relationship remains your primary concern. Another way to say it is that the goal is not to win. If the goal becomes "getting your way" or "winning" then most likely the relationship will suffer.

In marriage this means asking a question like this: "Am I loving my wife in a sacrificial way, in the way that Christ loves the Church?" - "Am I honoring my husband in the way God desires me to?"

Conflicts are going to happen. What will you do with them?

A Relationship Toolbox - Forgiveness

This weekend we launch a new series called "A Relationship Toolbox." Everybody wants their relationships to be more than they are. Nobody wants an average friendship or marriage. But how to go to the next level? How to create a healthier atmosphere?

We've chosen 5 key things to help grow healthy relationships. They are 5 things we have to get right or else.

On January 6th we're going to look at the first and probably most crucial aspect of relationships - forgiveness. It is THE key to growing relationships that will thrive through all circumstances.

In my research I came across this teaching in my files. It is a powerful insight into Luke 17:6. (I don't have a reference for it or would give credit to whom it is due.) 

He [Jesus] replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you.

The word “sycamine” comes from the Greek word sukaminos, and it is the Greek word that refers to a tree that grew throughout the Middle East.

When you understand everything that is connected to the sycamine tree, you’ll know exactly why Jesus chose to use this tree as an example of bitterness and unforgiveness.

Keep in mind that Jesus was speaking of getting rid of bitterness and unforgiveness. In Luke 17:3, He told the disciples that they needed to forgive those who sinned against them. He then took it to the maximum in Luke 17:4 by saying that even if a brother does something wrong seven times in one day and is each time truly repentant, they were to keep on forgiving that offending brother.

Forgiving once is already a challenge for most people. But to forgive someone seven times in one day almost sounds impossible to many folks. It must have sounded preposterous to the disciples as well, for they said, “…Lord, Increase our faith” (Luke 17:5). This statement was the equivalent of their saying, “Lord, we don’t know if we have enough faith to forgive so many times in one day. You’ll have to increase our faith if we’re going to do this seven times in one day!”

Then comes the teaching about the sycamine tree, choosing that specific tree for very good reason as you will see.

1. The sycamine tree had a very large and deep root structure.

Like the sycamine tree, bitterness and unforgiveness must be dealt with clear to the roots, or they will keep springing up again and again. The roots of bitterness and unforgiveness go down deep into the human soul, fed by any offense that lies hidden in the soil of the heart. That hidden source of offense will cause these evil forces to resurface in a person’s life over and over again. It will take a serious decision for that person to rip those roots of bitterness and offense out of his heart once and for all so they can’t grow back in the future.

2. The sycamine tree’s wood was the preferred wood for building caskets.

It grew quickly and in nearly any environment, making it accessible in many different places. 

Just as the sycamine tree grew very quickly, so does bitterness and unforgiveness. When these fast-growing and ugly attitudes are allowed to grow freely, they not only spoil the condition of your own heart, but they ruin your relationships with other people. In fact it is deadly.

Also, just as the sycamine tree grew easily in every environment, so does bitterness. It doesn’t matter where people are from, where they live, what kind of cultural background they grew up in, or what level of society they belong to - bitterness and unforgiveness grow in human hearts everywhere, for they are universal in their scope of evil influence.

The sycamine tree grew best where little rain fell and water was sparse. Isn’t this just like bitterness and unforgiveness? These negative attitudes flourish where spiritually dry conditions exist. You can almost count on finding bitterness and unforgiveness growing and blossoming where there is no repentance, no joy, and no fresh rain of the Spirit.

3. The sycamine tree produced a fig that was very bitter to eat.

The sycamine tree and the mulberry tree were very similar in appearance; the two trees even produced a fruit that looked identical. However, the fruit of the sycamine tree was extremely bitter. Its fruit looked just as luscious and delicious as a mulberry fig. But when a person tasted the fruit of the sycamine fig, he discovered that it was horribly bitter.

Jesus lets us know that like the sycamine fruit, the fruit of bitterness and unforgiveness is bitter, tart, and pungent. Like the fig, most people who are bitter and filled with unforgiveness chew on their feelings for a long time. They nibble on bitterness for a while; then they pause to digest what they’ve eaten. After they have reflected deeply on their offense, they return to the memory table to start nibbling on bitterness again - taking one little bite, then another little bite, then another. As they continue to think and meditate on their offense, they internalize their bitter feelings toward those who have offended them. In the end, their perpetual nibbling on the poisonous fruit of bitterness makes them bitter, sour people themselves.

4. The sycamine tree was pollinated only by wasps.

It is very interesting to note that the sycamine tree was not naturally pollinated. The pollination process was only initiated when a wasp stuck its stinger right into the heart of the fruit. Thus, the tree and its fruit had to be “stung” in order to be reproduced.

Think of how many times you have heard a bitter person say: “I’ve been stung by that person once, but I’m not going to be stung again! What he did hurt me so badly that I’ll never let him get close enough to sting me again!” It is likely that people who make such a statement have been “stung” by a situation that the devil especially devised to pollinate their hearts and souls with bitterness and unforgiveness. When a person talks like this, you can know for sure that the wasp of bitterness got to them!

Jesus says that it doesn't take a great amount of faith to deal with bitterness and unforgiveness in our lives. If it is truly the desire of our heart, just a little faith is all it takes. And if we're not sure we're ready - I ask people if they're willing for God to make them willing. That's not a lot of faith but in Jesus' eyes, it's enough.

 

Don't hold on to unforgiveness. It will lead to your death and the death of your relationships.

Wrapping Up & Moving On

I'm not a fan of resolutions - I've made them and then never follow through. I am a fan of learning from the past, growing from my mistakes and building upon my successes.

Last year I discovered an old post from Michael Hyatt that helped me wrap up the year so that it was a learning, growing and moving on experience. You can read his full post here - 7 Questions to Ask About Last Year. 

Here are the questions:

1. If the last year were a movie of your life, what would the genre be?
2. What were the two or three major themes that kept recurring? 
3. What did you accomplish this past year that you are the most proud of?
4. What do you feel you should have been acknowledged for but weren't?
5. What disappointments or regrets did you experience this past year?
6. What was missing from last year as you look back?
7. What were the major life-lessons you learned this past year?

Wrestling with these questions last year helped me put a framework around the year. It wasn't just a year of activities or busyness. There was meaning, purpose and mistakes I wish I could do over. Taking time to really think about my answers, I believe, helped me move into this year with greater purpose and focus. I've got so much more to learn. Just when I think I've got something by the tail, I find it's got me. I also discovered things weren't as bad as I might have made them out to be. Seeing answers in print made me not be so hard on myself. It certainly wasn't a perfect year but it wasn't a failure either. Taking some time to look back is helpful to learning, growing and moving on during the coming calendar year.

I encourage you to take a sabbath day. Spend some time thinking about the past year - what can you learn? - where can you grow? Now move on.

Resolutions don't work but this kind of exercise helped me make some goals. I was able to see more clearly how just a few minutes, a few tweaks to my schedule could make a huge difference. 

As I've considered my answers for 2012 I'm making adjusting some of my priorities. For instance:

• Reading each week that focuses on growing my leadership skills. I'm choosing to read, each week, an article from the Harvard Business Review (HBR) and capture 1 or 2 keys for raising my leadership to a new level.
• Scheduling new (meaning more) meetings with staff and lay leadership so that some mistakes on my part have less chance of happening again.
• Participating in a new small group that I think will help me in the areas I identified as missing or that I regret.
• Living more consistently in my strength of teaching.

What will you do to move forward in 2013 - to not repeat some mistakes of 2012 - to make an impact for His Kingdom?

Clearly Christmas

The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. - John 1:14

Grace & Truth. These are the two elements that bring clarity to Christmas. Up until then it had been mostly truth. There were the Ten Commandments and we couldn't measure up. There was a command to have no other God other than the One True God and we made other gods, eventually insisting on a human King. Truth was we were messed up.

It's like getting a performance review and the only thing in it are the things you need to fix. Christmas changed all that. There's still truth. But now there's grace. Christmas clarity comes from both being married together in Jesus.

In practically every area of life we are judged by our performance. In school, at work, in sports. It's all about being first, being the best. There are no points for second place.Remember this photo finish in the pool at the Beijing Olympics?

One one hundredth of a second and Michael Phelps wins the 100 fly. Tough luck Milorad Cavic. Not fast enough. Not the best.

One gains worldwide notoriety. The other fades away into obscurity, unknown to most outside the world of swimming. One wins and while the other wins a silver it's just not gold. There's only one winner and he gets lavishly rewarded - completely deserved I believe. That's the way sports works. That's the way life works. Is that the way God works?

Rick Warren reminded me of this concept in his little book, The Purpose of Christmas.

The way we live is you get what you pay for – no such thing as a free lunch – if it's going to be then it's up to me – if you want something done right, do it yourself; and this one – God helps those who help themselves.

That's not in the Bible you know? It's a phrase from Ben Franklin's Poor Richard's Almanac. It's a phrase that goes with this performance notion.

And so we humans usually think that when it comes to spiritual matters, God must relate to us on the same performance basis. You must earn God's approval, live a life that deserves God's love and work your way to heaven by trying harder and trying to live a “good life.”

That's very consistent with our performance based thinking. Even coming to Church won't do it. Giving money won't do it. Being nice won't do it. But it seems so consistent with everything else in our world.

Christmas is God's performance review, Warren writes. “You've got it all wrong,” God says. “Definitely doing good things matters, but I love you because you are you not because of what you do.”

Our world is filled with people trying to find their way. Frustrated people who don't know what they're looking for. Nothing fills up the void. Nothing lasts – just wait until tomorrow morning around Noon when the newness has worn off. By evening or at least the day after tomorrow, some old things will begin to reappear.

The answer to our lives is not in a place, a program or a pill. The answer is a person and His name is Jesus. This is the good news of Christmas – “today in the City of David a Savior has been born, He is Christ the Lord.”

Clearly it's Christmas. I pray you see through the fog, through the mess, past the packages and tree and food and friends and family to an out of the way manger. You have to look for it. It's off the beaten path, in an out of the way place unknown to most. It's there that you find what you're looking for. Bend a knee today and know the life that is the light of all humanity.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Dirty Jobs for Healthy Relationships

Relationships are the stuff of life. To live is to be in relationship, with yourself and hopefully with others. Relationships are the number one concern people bring to me - relationship with God, marriage, children, parents and friends.

Healthy relationships take hard work, deliberate action and usually some help from outside the relationship in the form of friends, reading and the Holy Spirit. I've been thinking about the best tools to offer people looking to grow healthier relationships.

When I was a swim coach, I learned quickly that if I was able to help athletes perfect a couple of things, their times would improve. I concentrated a lot on starts, turns and finishes. I found if they got those right, many other things took care of themselves. Completely ineffective stroke techniques certainly needed attention, but even a mediocre stroke with a strong start, turn and finish would improve a time.

What are those things for relationships? I've come up with 5 that I think I pretty important. No doubt, others could add some, come up with 7 and I might even be able to argue against one or more of mine. In my experience these 5 come up more often than others. Deal with these and relationships tend to get better.

1. Forgiveness. This is THE key to healthy relationships. Walking in forgiveness each day, in every step of a relationship, prevents us from carrying baggage around - baggage that strains our own back and prevents us from fully participating with another in this journey of life. I have a simply definition for what it means to forgive (I'm sure I borrowed it from someone at some point): "Giving up the right to hurt you for hurting me."

Forgiveness is a one-way street. It's not about deserving or earning it. Forgiveness is a choice we make to let go, give up the right to beat another up. It's not a feeling; it's not about forgetting. Forgiveness takes the sting out of the hurt because we refuse to nurse and rehearse it. Giving forgiveness starts with speaking the truth and ends at the cross of Jesus, the greatest image of forgiveness we know.

A seminary professor said forgiveness is God's 50/20 vision - from Genesis 50:20 and Joseph's amazing journey to be able to forgive because he saw with God's eyes:

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."

2. Choices (also known as Priorities). Oftentimes my discussions come around the choices people make about the priority of a relationship. In marriage, for instance, each no longer belongs to him or herself. Each belongs to the other. That means for the mutual benefit of the relationship, and all the benefits that come with that relationship, each will be required to give up some wants and desires in exchange for having needs met - some of which are unknown. When we are in relationship with another, the choices we make must be understood in terms of how they affect the other. Often it's stupid choices that lead to trouble, like an affair. Sometimes it's our response to the things that happen to us - cancer for instance - and the choices we make in the face of unwanted circumstances. Helping people make wise choices solves a lot of heartache and misery.

3. Sex. Get sex wrong and relationships go wrong. It's not the most important thing but when not used in the right way it can damage a relationship. Sex before marriage complicates the necessary growth in the relationship that leads to a strong marriage. Emotion takes over and sex becomes the default action rather than dealing with difficulties. Sex outside of marriage is just downright stupid. It destroys a unique bond intended to be between one man and one woman. An affair doesn't have to lead to divorce - refer to my first point.

Marriage without sex leads to distance that harms the power of intimacy. (No, sex isn't always intimate and intimacy doesn't have to lead to sex.) There are most definitely physical circumstances that can lead to a no sex marriage but what I'm referring to are the sexless marriages because of the lack of intimacy in the relationship.

Sex is usually a symptom not a cause; it's the barometer not the thermostat of a relationship. Keep the fire in the fireplace. Get this right and the relationship will really sizzle, whether it be before marriage or in marriage.

4. Money and Debt. This is the number one conflict issue in a marriage but whether single or married, money and debt is an issue that can enhance or destroy relationships. Choosing debt means having faith in a paycheck tomorrow, something truly suspect in our present economy. Spending money before it is made leads to less choices in the future. I've warned my children to be careful with how much school debt they incur. Go a year longer, work more, use a community college are all smart choices so they don't mortgage away their future.

On the other hand, learning to be generous, understanding to whom it all belongs in the first place, these change the heart and make us better companions on this journey of life.

Proverbs 11:25 "A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed."

Prosperity in relationships is worth far more than any amount of money one could have.

Relationships that are in trouble often seek happiness in accumulating stuff. But that is hallow and lifeless. For the evidence, just look at how quickly the "new" factor wears off on Christmas Day.

Learning to live within and below your means is one of the best practices that leads to a healthy relationships.

5. Conflict. When I asked my friend, Dr. Baker: "What are the dirty jobs that people must do to have a healthy relationship," he immediately responded, "They must do conflict well. It is the number one predictor of a healthy relationship." Is said at the beginning, that "forgiveness if THE key to healthy relationships." This key of conflict confirms my thinking. Healthy conflict doesn't hold grudges or use past mistakes as a battering ram. Differences of opinion don't have to lead to the end of the relationship.

Jesus said that the world would know we are His disciples if we have love for one another (John 13:35). When Christians disagree and split, is it any wonder why the world looks on in dismay? We disagree and divorce each other. Christians are notorious for not handling conflict well.

Healthy conflict isn't about winning or losing. It starts with seeking to understand, uses "what" questions as opposed to "why" ones to seek information and insight. In a healthy relationship, when one loses, both lose. Healthy means the relationship wins. Finding ways to speak truth (as in forgivenss and Genesis 50:20) without accusatory attitudes and words leads to stronger bonds.

So there you have it, my toolbox of dirty jobs that we find difficult to practice. When I shared this the other day to our worship design team at Cornerstone, someone said: "Who wouldn't want to have sex!" We have to get these 5 things right in order to grow our hearts and the soul of our relationships. Starting on January 6, 2013 we're going to deal with each of these in order. Healthy relationships lead to healthy families which leads to healthy churches - which leads to healthy communities and a healthier nation and world. It all starts right at home, by looking in the mirror and being willing to take on this relationship destroyers.

What would you add to the list?

Agree to Disagree?

We'll just have to agree to disagree.

What's the saying: "I'll never please everyone, I'll only please some people some of the time." That's a reality in living with human beings - whether it's in marriage, in a small group, in a division at work, in a company or in the spiritual community of a church. I think it's even a reality when I'm having a converastion with me! I'm not always pleased with myself.

Everyone has someone who is a difficult person in life. Everyone is a difficult person to someone else. This phrase, "We'll just have to agree to disagree" doesn't find a lot of agreement in my life. Not that I don't agree it's sometimes the end point, I mean in practical terms like: "I feel good about leaving things here." I don't.

Communication is difficult between two people, in organizations, around small groups and in front of the mirror. People define words differently. Our hearing is skewed by past experiences as well as knowledge and pride. Sometimes we listen to someone else's words through a filter of distrust: "They're up to something. They're trying to be sneaky."

I don't like it when I'm not in agreement with my wife. I don't like it when I'm not in agreement with my staff. I don't like it when I'm not in agreement with people in the congregation. It irritates me. But it's why it irritates me that really irritates me. At least I think so!!

I believe I'm irritated by ending at this place because of ego. Plain and simple. How can someone disagree with my position! What arrogance - on my part. But that's it in a nutshell. At some level, we all think everyone should think like we do. My bent toward competition makes me think that at a higher level than normal.....and it's ego. I'm sure it's a combination of "I like to be liked" as well as "I like to be right." Either taken to an extreme isn't helpful.

I read Egonomics this summer. It contained some powerful lessons that led to some some difficult changes in my life - changes that I'm still living into. On page 29 I captured this quote:

If we lead with questions rather than answers, curiosity can strip us of an agenda and stop us from holding so tightly to our own ideas and beliefs that we aren't able to consider others. (Read more on my summer sabbatical blog - Ego, Ego - Friend or Foe?,  Being Effective or Being Right?)

Curious people create opportunities for open communication. Combined with humility, curiosity brings ego into check by insisting that together the team can create something better than one individual can do on their own.

I'm just not agreeable to leaving it at "let's agree to disagree." But I also know it's impossible to agree without everyone all the time.

From one who is still growing and learning.

Perhaps the Lord will show up

I've been spending some time in 1 Samuel chapter 14, with the story of Jonathan and his armor bearer. The scene was simple: The Philistines controlled the land and one way they kept that control was banning all blacksmiths in Israel. To sharpen a tool or have a sword made, Israel had to depend on the Philistines. It seems the sword orders were always "in process."

The Israelite army had two swords - King Saul's and his son Jonathan's. As the story goes, while the Army was sitting under a pomegranate tree, Jonathan decides it's time to act, time to move in faith. He takes his armor bearer and sets out to attack the Philistines.

14:6 Jonathan said to his young armor-bearer, “Come, let’s go over to the outpost of those uncircumcised men. Perhaps the Lord will act in our behalf. Nothing can hinder the Lord from saving, whether by many or by few.”

I love the heart of Jonathan. Acting in faith doesn't mean all the details are worked out ahead of time. PERHAPS the Lord will show up on our behalf.

Perhaps God will move. Perhaps he won't. Perhaps we will experience a great victory, and perhaps we will die. Jonathan had courage because he knew God was in charge. He didn't have the details worked out—or even an assurance it would go as he hoped—but he did know that moving was right.

What would you have done? What do you do when there seems to be no way? Jonathan made a way. Here are some lessons:

1. Acting in faith means moving toward the unknown. The only known is God. We know God's character and promises. We don't know the details of how it will all work out.

2. Jonathan focused on what he had instead of what Israel didn't have. He had God; he had a sword; he had faith. That's all he needed. He had his armor-bearer too and that young man must have thought Jonathan was crazy! But he followed. Jonathan was a leader. He took what he had and used it to lead another as well as lead forward for God.

Afterall, Jonathan thought, we have half the weapons in all of Israel - let's go!

3. He followed an unconventional plan

14:8-10 “Come, then; we will cross over toward the men and let them see us. 9 If they say to us, ‘Wait there until we come to you,’ we will stay where we are and not go up to them. 10 But if they say, ‘Come up to us,’ we will climb up, because that will be our sign that the Lord has given them into our hands.”

The high ground is the good ground in a battle. Crawling on hands and knees was a distinct disadvantage. But he knew the Lord.

4. He took the difficult road to success. He crawled up, was probably tired and then had to engage the enemy. Just because the Lord shows up doesn't mean everything is easy. There is work to be done and He expects us to do it.

5. Don't forget the armor-bearer. The scripture says that he came behind Jonathan and killed the enemy with him.

14 "In that first attack Jonathan and his armor-bearer killed some twenty men in an area of about half an acre."

What did his armor-bearer use to kill Philistines? I can't wait to meet this guy and ask that question? Jonathan was only a leader because someone was following him. And that follower was enthusiastic and made things happen, despite his lack of weaponry.

Do you find yourself in a difficult situation, unsure about what to do, how to proceed? Perhaps follow Jonathan's lead. Trust in the promises of God. 

What else do you see in the story?