What Do You Do When You Don't Know What To Do?

Today I prayed for a friend and his family. It was one of those times when the Lord made it clear He wanted me to pray for them. So I did. And in obedience and possibly being thought of a fool, I let them know the Lord has their lives in His hands - He asked me to pray. It doesn't happen every day and sometimes not even every month. Often people say "Thank you" but have nothing specific that they know of going on. Doesn't matter to me. I'm just being obedient to what I believe God is calling me to do.

Today my friend responded. I'm not sure what he thought. He was part of another church I Pastored and he left during my time there. But he said: "Thank you. I've been asking God for some wisdom and direction and I'm not hearing anything. I'm not sure what to do."


Everybody struggles with that uncertain feeling from time to time. Here are some things I've found helpful.

1 - Do the next right thing. I'm not sure where this orginated but it's good wisdom. Doing the next right thing is the best thing when you don't know what to do. It's a place to start. Finding yourself feeling trapped is the worst feeling, wondering if you have any options. It's there that we often make our worst choices. This piece of wisdom keeps me on the straight path.

2 - Pray. I mean really pray. Don't pray on the run. Take some moments and pray. Just the other day I was walking through Cornerstone's Worship Center with my fresh, hot mug of tea and I stopped, knelt down and prayed. I was in one of these places with a situation. It helped. It was the next right thing.

3 - Think about Rhythms. When I don't know what to do I think about the rhythms of my life - my spiritual disciplines - my physical exercise - what I'm eating - how I'm sleeping. When I leave a rhythm in my life I don't think as clearly. Returning to it brings clarity to my heart and mind. But there is another side. Sometimes I find breaking a rhythm is helpful.

During my Sophomore year in college I hit a wall physically as a competitive swimmer. It didn't matter how hard I tried or how stretched out and easy I swam - the times were the same. Very frustrating! Turns out there were issues with my left trap muscle and shoulder but in the end I really think I pushed my body as far as it would go.

In the midst of that difficult season Coach Keefe suggested doing something different - "Do something for yourself," he said. My choice at the time was a pint of UDF Ice Cream every day (and I mean every day!). It tasted great, I burned it off in practice and it made a difference in how I felt about this struggle.

Think about rhythms in your life. It may be you need to return to one, shift one or pick up a new one.

4 - Speak the Truth. Not knowing what to do can give us a feeling of being trapped. Sharing your frustration with a friend can help open up new ideas, new options. Speaking out loud about your frustration is like a healing balm itself.

Not knowing what to do gives the feeling of being trapped. These steps open new windows in our emotional dead ends. 

What do you do when you don't know what to do?

Growing A Strong Marriage

Today I continued to purge some files and notebooks, scanning some into Evernote (I love that app), throwing many things away (it's amazing what one can collect and forget), and reading through others. Stephanie and I have led multiple Marriage Weekends over the years. In 1997, we led a Weekend with some awesome couples who all wanted to grow in their marriages. We stay in touch with many of them to this day. It was inspiring to see the list of participants - Aaron & Shannon, Greg & Karin, Dean & Erma, Gregg & Martha, Roger & Deena, Craig & Rose, John & Marla, Rick & Michelle, Jim & Kathy and one other couple who is no longer together.

I can clearly remember some of the teaching time, the fellowship and the worship. I am grateful for people like this - and so many more down through the years - who love the Lord and make marriage the priority relationship in their lives.

Growing a strong marriage takes time and effort, something that can be in short supply during those parenting years. I think the teen years were the most difficult. Other unexpected speed bumps and detours aren't helpful: illness, lay off, moves and transfers.

The most important thing we do is plan. Without planning to make your marriage a priority, life will help it not be. Life simply gets in the way - from parenting to work stress to plain busyness. Through the years we have made time to plan dates and times away for just the two of us.

We plan three things...

First, date time. It's important to plan time for a date each week. We got away from this during some years of parenting early teens but more recently established a Wednesday lunch date. Lunch is cheaper than dinner, fits better with our schedules and is at a time we're not really tired. No matter what you do, plan a date each week whether it's a movie at home, a meal out, or even a workout time together. Before my summer sabbatical my staff knew where I was headed at 11:45 on Wednesday. It was sacred space.

Second, Retreats & Conferences. The best preparation for marriage we had was a Family Life Weekend to Remember 5 months before the wedding - and then 7 months later we attended again. We've been to 7 over the years. It is well worth the investment of time and money.

In early marriage, when we couldn't afford to attend a Conference (in the years before Pastor's registered for free) we would rent some videos and use them to initiate some discussion. Sometimes we stayed at home when we couldn't afford the hotel.

Glen Eyrie - Marriage Get A Way

Part of my sabbatical this year was time for just me and Stephanie - in secluded northern California and a Marriage Get A Way at Glen Eyrie in Colorado Springs. These were really important times in my own renewal plan. The added benefit of a Conference setting is learning from other couples along the way.

Third, vacations and time away. Some parents refuse to leave their children home without them until a certain age or ever. We definitely disagree. We've driven away to a dinner date with our oldest screaming her fool head off, only to be told 3 minutes later she was fine. We've taken vacations for anniversaries. We believe one of the greatest gifts we can give to our children is a strong and happy marriage. It is THE most important human relationship we have. We've made sure our children saw that.

Reading together, praying together, sitting together not saying a word (we did lots of that on our California trip) can enhance a marriage. When we led marriage retreats we grew our own marriage, sharing both what we were learning and serving with our gifts. Stephanie has the gift of hospitality and my main gift is teaching. 

Life will help a husband and wife avoid the conversations that can help their relationship grow. Busyness, stress, exhaustion (and that's just from parenting!) will get in the way of those important times of connection, from verbal to physical communication.

And just in case you might be tempted to think that we know it all or think we have the perfect marriage......by no means. We have a strong marriage but it's far from perfect. But we've been through our fair share of ups and downs and survived for over 26 years. So far so good.

Talk Too Much?

When words are many, sin is not absent,

but he who holds his tongue is wise.

Proverbs 10:19

My forte is speaking. I'm a teacher at heart. Even with my hobby of officiating with USA Swimming as a starter, it's my words that are central. One piece of training to be a national starter with swimming is learning less is more. The more a starter says when swimmers are on the block the more confusion it can cause, leading to a greater chance for a poor start.

In his book,  What Got You Here Won't Get You There, Marshall Goldsmith shares 20 habits we need to leave behind if we're to continue to be successful at the next levels of leadership.  There are similar ideas in The Next Level and 9 Things You Must Do to Succeed in Life. Each book talks about those things that must be left behind in order to succeed at a new level of leadership/business/life/love. But this particular phrase really caught my attention. Goldsmith talks of those who "add too much value."  I want to add value to people and organizations. I want others on the team who add value. How can you add too much value? It's very simple - by talking too much!

Ouch! That's something I do. I hope I do it less today than yesterday but I've definitely got a long way to go. It's the person who...

• always has something to say (of course the person who says nothing is on the opposite end and needs to learn to speak up). 
• is motivated to make other think you know something about the subject at hand.
• just wants to be heard.

The more words we speak the more chance of sin. It's that simple. That's good advice. Here's how I'm trying to live it out:

1 - Listen without having the need to respond. The desire might be there so sometimes I write down what is being said. It keeps my mouth shut because I don't multi-task very well. At its core this is about humility. The humble person doesn't need to be seen or heard and so uses less words.

2 - Asking "what" questions rather than "why." This keeps me focused on the topic and the other person. I've found when I ask "why" it takes me to a place where I'm questioning the other person and that's the place I'm tempted to add too much value.



3 - Simply taking a deep breath when I feel like saying something. Often that keeps me from saying more than I need to.

Saying less really is saying more. Jesus cautioned us about our prayers and words:

And when you pray, do not keep on babbling

like pagans, for they think they will be heard

because of their many words.

Matthew 6:7

God cares about what is in the heart more than the words that stumble out of our mouths. Sometimes it's better to keep what is in our hearts, in our hearts instead of letting it out.

Dealing with Difficult People

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." - Romans 12:18

Everyone has someone with whom they don't get along - don't see eye to eye. Everyone has someone they consider a "difficult person." And everyone IS someone else's "difficult person."

Some we see often. Others infrequently. It doesn't matter to the feelings we feel, the anxiety that can push up from our gut.

During my summer sabbatical I learned a lot about boundaries - why they are good, what they look like and how to establish them. (Accountability & Boundaries, Performance Oriented Workers, Rules to Avoid Misery). I learned that I haven't had great boundaries in some areas of life. I have what I consider excellent moral boundaries (such as, no private meetings with a woman not my wife). My financial boundaries are pretty good (such as, commitment to tithing and saving). My leadership boundaries and those dealing with delegation to staff and servants have not been as good as they can be.

God is now pushing about boundaries dealing with difficult people. It's a question of what I own, what the other person owns and what God owns. The transformation process is a cooperative process between us and God. There is a role for people to play but there is also a role that God plays. We can't be God and God won't do what He asks us to do.

I define a difficult person as someone with whom you have a sight problem - you don't see eye to eye and nothing either of you can say will help bring clarity. It might be that they handled a situation in a way you didn't appreciate (or vice versa) and they just can't let it go. There may have been a disagreement and it just can't seem to get resolved.

I'm learning some steps. These may change as I mature and learn more but for now it's where I am. I'm trying to live them out.

1. Remember I am someone else's difficult person. The struggle I have with a particular individual, someone else struggles in the same way with me. It's humbling but keeps me focused.

2. Own what is mine. I can only be responsible for the choices I made. My actions are the only thing I can own. These are the things I can repent from, ask forgiveness for and seek to make amends.

3. Don't own what is not mine. I'm not good at this. There are some things that I must refuse to pick up and own. These include: another person's choices, actions and responses. I cannot change an attitude. I tend to want to fix things but I can only fix me.

4. Pray. The Holy Spirit can change a heart, not me. That's God's job.

5. Tell the truth. It goes with the owning thing. It's the truth that brings things into the light. Sometimes in a difficult relationship the truth is not accepted. Sometimes we think it's the truth but the difficult person's constant pressing helps us see it's really not complete. Tell the truth even when it hurts.

These have been helpful to me. But difficult people still bother me. I want to be liked. I want to be able to fix things, including relationships. I'm learning to set up boundaries that teach me sometimes it's time to move on.

How to Move On Well

4 years ago my son and I made a decision to change swim teams. We weren't upset by the one we were leaving. We were going to one where the vast majority of his high school teammates swam with a club team. It was also closer and cheaper. But it was a tough choice. The team we were leaving I had swum for, coached with and was a parent for 6 or 7 years.

So I called his coach and told him what was going on. No problems. Nothing to complain about. Just a move that we felt was best for the family. While disappointed he understood.


At the next swim meet a coach and friend from another team came up to me and said: "That's so hard on a coach when a family switches teams." I knew he was right. It happens to Pastors all the time.

It's not always springtime for planting in our lives. There is a normal, natural cycle of Fall which brings the harvest. Change is not abnormal but there are so many ways we mess it up. I think I've learned some (did you notice those words of uncertainty - "think" - "some") better ways to move forward in our lives.

I have found some ways to guard my heart when change comes, as it always does. These things help me, I think, live redemptively with others, especially when change comes over a disagreement. Too many people blow up relationships when it isn't necessary. These steps are helpful.

1. Speak the truth...

My call to the swim coach was difficult. I was not looking forward to it. His graciousness helped afterwards, and we remain friends to this day. He inquires how my son is swimming. I ask about his family. Our relationship has changed but there remains a positive connection. 

I think another way to say that is "own your choice." Our culture loves to pass the buck of responsibility. Speak the truth. "I'm leaving because of......"


2. To the person(s) involved...

Cornerstone is going through the Book of Acts in worship right now. In chapter 4 the first persecution breaks out against the new church. It's significant that the persecution leads to prayer, not Facebook and Twitter.

Social Media has given us an electronic tongue. In the Bible, James talks about the power of the tongue:

"With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. ¹⁰ Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be." (James 3:9-10)

When we make a change in our lives and it involves leaving some people or a person, communication helps the change be redemptive instead of automatically destructive.

Triangulation with others about a 3rd person is neither Christian nor helpful. A good friend uses this phrase: "Stay in the room." Stay connected. Stay engaged in relationship even when a change is being chosen. It's redemptive that way. It honors the name of Jesus.

When we don't speak truth to the people involved and instead turn to electronic gossipping, the Kingdom is hurt. Jesus was clear that a main tool of His in evangelizing the world is the love shown between followers of Jesus (John 13). The way we talk about and care about other Christ-followers is a statement about the character of Jesus. It's really important.

3. With humility that you don't know everything

Departures sometimes occur because people don't realize that they don't know everything. Something happens - you liked a coach, a staff person, a co-worker - and that person is gone. Humility helps us remember that we don't have all the pieces to the puzzle and without those pieces we won't see the whole picture. 

It's disappointing that in many cases the actions of the departing party discredits all the previous good they have accomplished. The first two steps help keep the good track record intact.

4. Don't take it personally

This is a recent lesson that has been freeing for my life. I have learned and continue to peel back the layers of the Q-TIP principle - Quit Taking It Personally. There is so much more to learn. It's an every day, every conversation destroyer of relationships. God continues to draw back the curtain, allowing me to see the far reaching impact of this disease.

Change happens. If you make a mistake that caused the change, learn from it but don't hold onto it.

This is a growing edge. You can read some of my blogging this summer as this lesson started to take hold in my life. (Q-TIP, Ego, In Touch with Reality, Endings & Beginnings). Henry Cloud's book Necessary Endings was very helpful. I continue to re-read my notes.

These steps have helped me guard my heart - when I apply them! Choosing not to follow any one of them puts a deadly seed in my heart that can poison every relationship around me. I've seen enough of that for a lifetime. Now it's time to change!

Staying Focused

Apparently - according to my mother who I think remembers everything - at the dinner table when I was 12, I announced that I would get a scholarship to swim in college. From there I became pretty focused, to the point of telling my now wife while dating in high school - "I can't pay much attention to you right now. It's swim season." Yet she stuck around. That's grace - and love! But I was focused....and achieved that goal. Got the girl in the end too!

Athletes who perform at a high level have focus. Leaders who lead at a high level are just as focused. To be a parent who actually leads your children requires focus on them as a priority. For a church to fulfill the Great Commission (Matthew 28:18-20) requires focus.

Cornerstone is embarking on a change that I'm excited about. It's part of the consultation we brought in last February. We were given 5 prescriptions for moving forward, more focused on the mission of Jesus to make disciples. This past Saturday we start living into one prescription around Board governance and the need to more clearly define roles. It will be a good change.

There are two kinds of churches in the world - inward focused and outward focused. It's not a right or wrong choice for me, although I confess I am partial to one over the other because I believe it is more faithful to the mission of Jesus. Both churches have two feet but lead with different ones. Where the inward leads there is still an outward that follows and vice versa. But they have a different primary focus.

Leading an outward focused church takes a focus on guarding our hearts from distraction to other good feeling, good sounding, seemingly noble pursuits rather than the mission of Jesus to make disciples. Jesus is the ONLY stakeholder we must please. Figure out what Jesus wants and pursue it with focus. He wants disciples.

The primary goal of the Church is not to make everyone feel good. The primary goal cannot be to not offend anyone. There can be no primary goal of making sure everyone agrees before proceeding down a particular path. All of those are great to have and there is a necessity to some, but if they are primary, making disciples won't be. It hurts when someone is hurting. It doesn't feel good when someone is upset. But soothing every ruffled feather will soon become a distraction to the mission of Jesus and a church will shift to an inward focus.

Who do we work for in the church? Jesus, not the congregation.
Who do we seek to please? Jesus, not the congregation.
Who are we focused on producing? Disciples, not people who feel better about themselves.

Here's the secret though. When we work for Jesus, seeking to please Him and produce disciples, the congregation will be pleased as much as any group of human beings can be. The congregation will feel better because ministry will flourish to care for the hurts and needs within. What I have found is that the inward needs are cared for if the outward focused mission of Jesus is primary.

What are you focused on? Are you willing to get rid of those things that aren't helping you focus on your primary mission?

Here's a great blog post on the Warning Signs of an Inward Focused Church

My Spiritual Journey

This past weekend was my 30th High School reunion. Since High School I've basically kept in touch with one classmate, the only other Senior swimmer on the men's team in 1982. Occassionally I've run into others and just "touched base." Facebook has provided some additional links, which have been nice.

It all got me thinking about how I got to this place. Scott said to me Saturday night at the reunion: "When you left high school you knew what you wanted to do. And you're doing it. Plus you're still into the swimming piece."

Not many people can say they are doing what they planned that many years ago.

My life has always been about the pursuit. I'm competitive. It started with swimming since I was age 5. My first memory is of being in a 50 meter Olympic size pool, anchoring a relay because a 4th swimmer was needed. The suit I wore was 3 times too big. The goggles were as big as my face. And the pool was twice as long as I'd ever seen much less swum in before. "He just has to make it," Coach Tim told my mom as he recruited me off the deck. And what I remember as clear today as the day it happened was at 25 meters - when "normal" pools end - I was halfway there. I lifted my head and thought "O my." Then put my head down and swam to the end. I would make it.


For the next 15 years I pursued many things but none of them ever satisfied. Medals, trophies, records, recognition. Then money became the thing to pursue. Girls were in there too!

But every time something difficult would come along; every time something tragic would happen. My world was shattered. The first time I didn't make the final 8 in championships. When I didn't get the record before aging up. When the stock market fell. It was like a huge wave had come and exposed my pursuits for the temporary sandy foundation they were.

I came to faith in Jesus at the end of 7th Grade but these other pursuits still dominated my life. In fact, looking back, Jesus was just another pursuit among all the pursuits, until somewhere in college. Perhaps marked by the end of the swimming career as my shoulder had enough and broke down.

Jesus has been a foundation that isn't washed away. I'm still competitive. I can create a competition out of anything. When I allow that pursuit to dominate my life, I lose, the sand being washed away. Pursuing Jesus has never been a disappointment. He's never disappointing. He's never late. He never comes with empty hands.

My most important lesson of my summer sabbatical (see my Sabbatical Blog) is that I love what I do for a living. Not many people can say that. It sometimes grates on my soul. It's sometimes incredibly frustrating. Any time more than 1 person is pursuing something, sin will get in there and mess it all up.The Church is filled with imperfect human beings led by an imperfect human Pastor. It's a formula for a mess. And it's a formula for God's glory because anything good that happens, the credit goes to Him. You could say: "I'm livin' the dream!"

What's your story? Are you living your dream? Are you following His dream for your life?