Dirty Jobs for Healthy Relationships

Relationships are the stuff of life. To live is to be in relationship, with yourself and hopefully with others. Relationships are the number one concern people bring to me - relationship with God, marriage, children, parents and friends.

Healthy relationships take hard work, deliberate action and usually some help from outside the relationship in the form of friends, reading and the Holy Spirit. I've been thinking about the best tools to offer people looking to grow healthier relationships.

When I was a swim coach, I learned quickly that if I was able to help athletes perfect a couple of things, their times would improve. I concentrated a lot on starts, turns and finishes. I found if they got those right, many other things took care of themselves. Completely ineffective stroke techniques certainly needed attention, but even a mediocre stroke with a strong start, turn and finish would improve a time.

What are those things for relationships? I've come up with 5 that I think I pretty important. No doubt, others could add some, come up with 7 and I might even be able to argue against one or more of mine. In my experience these 5 come up more often than others. Deal with these and relationships tend to get better.

1. Forgiveness. This is THE key to healthy relationships. Walking in forgiveness each day, in every step of a relationship, prevents us from carrying baggage around - baggage that strains our own back and prevents us from fully participating with another in this journey of life. I have a simply definition for what it means to forgive (I'm sure I borrowed it from someone at some point): "Giving up the right to hurt you for hurting me."

Forgiveness is a one-way street. It's not about deserving or earning it. Forgiveness is a choice we make to let go, give up the right to beat another up. It's not a feeling; it's not about forgetting. Forgiveness takes the sting out of the hurt because we refuse to nurse and rehearse it. Giving forgiveness starts with speaking the truth and ends at the cross of Jesus, the greatest image of forgiveness we know.

A seminary professor said forgiveness is God's 50/20 vision - from Genesis 50:20 and Joseph's amazing journey to be able to forgive because he saw with God's eyes:

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."

2. Choices (also known as Priorities). Oftentimes my discussions come around the choices people make about the priority of a relationship. In marriage, for instance, each no longer belongs to him or herself. Each belongs to the other. That means for the mutual benefit of the relationship, and all the benefits that come with that relationship, each will be required to give up some wants and desires in exchange for having needs met - some of which are unknown. When we are in relationship with another, the choices we make must be understood in terms of how they affect the other. Often it's stupid choices that lead to trouble, like an affair. Sometimes it's our response to the things that happen to us - cancer for instance - and the choices we make in the face of unwanted circumstances. Helping people make wise choices solves a lot of heartache and misery.

3. Sex. Get sex wrong and relationships go wrong. It's not the most important thing but when not used in the right way it can damage a relationship. Sex before marriage complicates the necessary growth in the relationship that leads to a strong marriage. Emotion takes over and sex becomes the default action rather than dealing with difficulties. Sex outside of marriage is just downright stupid. It destroys a unique bond intended to be between one man and one woman. An affair doesn't have to lead to divorce - refer to my first point.

Marriage without sex leads to distance that harms the power of intimacy. (No, sex isn't always intimate and intimacy doesn't have to lead to sex.) There are most definitely physical circumstances that can lead to a no sex marriage but what I'm referring to are the sexless marriages because of the lack of intimacy in the relationship.

Sex is usually a symptom not a cause; it's the barometer not the thermostat of a relationship. Keep the fire in the fireplace. Get this right and the relationship will really sizzle, whether it be before marriage or in marriage.

4. Money and Debt. This is the number one conflict issue in a marriage but whether single or married, money and debt is an issue that can enhance or destroy relationships. Choosing debt means having faith in a paycheck tomorrow, something truly suspect in our present economy. Spending money before it is made leads to less choices in the future. I've warned my children to be careful with how much school debt they incur. Go a year longer, work more, use a community college are all smart choices so they don't mortgage away their future.

On the other hand, learning to be generous, understanding to whom it all belongs in the first place, these change the heart and make us better companions on this journey of life.

Proverbs 11:25 "A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed."

Prosperity in relationships is worth far more than any amount of money one could have.

Relationships that are in trouble often seek happiness in accumulating stuff. But that is hallow and lifeless. For the evidence, just look at how quickly the "new" factor wears off on Christmas Day.

Learning to live within and below your means is one of the best practices that leads to a healthy relationships.

5. Conflict. When I asked my friend, Dr. Baker: "What are the dirty jobs that people must do to have a healthy relationship," he immediately responded, "They must do conflict well. It is the number one predictor of a healthy relationship." Is said at the beginning, that "forgiveness if THE key to healthy relationships." This key of conflict confirms my thinking. Healthy conflict doesn't hold grudges or use past mistakes as a battering ram. Differences of opinion don't have to lead to the end of the relationship.

Jesus said that the world would know we are His disciples if we have love for one another (John 13:35). When Christians disagree and split, is it any wonder why the world looks on in dismay? We disagree and divorce each other. Christians are notorious for not handling conflict well.

Healthy conflict isn't about winning or losing. It starts with seeking to understand, uses "what" questions as opposed to "why" ones to seek information and insight. In a healthy relationship, when one loses, both lose. Healthy means the relationship wins. Finding ways to speak truth (as in forgivenss and Genesis 50:20) without accusatory attitudes and words leads to stronger bonds.

So there you have it, my toolbox of dirty jobs that we find difficult to practice. When I shared this the other day to our worship design team at Cornerstone, someone said: "Who wouldn't want to have sex!" We have to get these 5 things right in order to grow our hearts and the soul of our relationships. Starting on January 6, 2013 we're going to deal with each of these in order. Healthy relationships lead to healthy families which leads to healthy churches - which leads to healthy communities and a healthier nation and world. It all starts right at home, by looking in the mirror and being willing to take on this relationship destroyers.

What would you add to the list?