5 Experiments for Money Management

We're in a series @ The Park Church called "Wipeout: the things that wipe out our relationships." Topics have included conflict, sex, selfishness and, yes, money. Money is the #1 source of conflict in marriages. It can destroy any relationship if not handled well or it can be a tool to help feed the relationship of necessary nutrients.

One of the ways we grow as human beings is to try experiments. A short-term mission trip is a great experiment that everyone should do at least once in life. It takes you out of your comfort zone, which opens your heart to things you would not otherwise notice. I've done experiments with prayer to grow my prayer life. I've experimented with Facebook, cutting it off for months at a time, only then realizing how much time I spent on it.

Without experiments we end up in a rut and can mistake the edge of the rut for the horizon. If we do that with money it will too late by the time we realize it and our relationships will wipe out.

Here are 5 experiments in the realm of money that can help any individual or family with to manage money better.

1 Stop all credit cards for one month. Credit card debt is a killer for managing money well. Statements are excellent tools for tracking expenses but to not pay it off each month is a waste of money. With credit cards we buy things we cannot afford and then keep paying on them so they cost twice as much.

If you have issues with credit cards, I would recommend cutting them up.

2 Give 10% to your church for one month. If you're not already tithing (giving 10%) - the beginning point of generosity - then do an experiment for one month. Debt is a symptom of the heart, it is not a function of cash flow. Change the heart and you'll change your approach to money. I've never met a generous person who had issues with money, barring something like medical bills that could swallow any one's life.

3 Cut out Christmas presents one year. It's a radical experiment in our culture that has turned Christmas into a material holiday. The average family pays for Christmas through the first quarter of the following year. Cut off buying presents, instead send a nice email note with pictures and a message. Or give 25 or 50% of your usual Christmas budget to something like the Live Simply Project and send some cards to loved ones with a message: "This year I gave to the poorest of the poor in your name."

Not only will this experiment help you with money management but it might also help you re-capture the real meaning of the season.

4 Go on a Serve-cation. We've heard of Stay-cations. I'm suggesting using your vacation dollars to serve others, while also having some vacation yourself. Go to the Black Hills of South Dakota for a week, then spend a week serving on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation. Fly to the Grand Canyon and then serve on the Four Corners Reservation. Plan a trip to a great city like Chicago or New York, then connect with a ministry that serves in a soup kitchen. There are hundreds of ways to accomplish this. You might even combine a Serve & Stay-cation by serving meals to the homeless on Thanksgiving Day instead of over-eating on a lavish meal at home.

5 Talk with a trusted friend or a financial advisor and ask this question: "Would you take a look at what I spend money on and suggest ways to trim expenses?" God did not design us to do life on our own. We need people. We thrive in community. There is no way to come up with every way to save on our own. By ourselves we're myopic. Community is God's corrective lenses.

The point of all this is: DO SOMETHING. An inability to control money will mean disaster for relationships. These experiments will open your eyes to new thoughts, new ways and especially it will change your heart. It's the heart that is at the heart of how to handle money.

5 Questions for a 5-year plan

Compass v. Calendar. It's an image that helps keep me focused. Knowing where I'm going is far more important than how fast I'm are getting there. While the calendar helps with checkpoints and deadlines, if what I'm pushing toward isn't connected to my ultimate goal, then it's only busyness and won't lead to impact.

After a job and location change was announced in my life, I took time to develop a 5-year plan with my accountability partners plus some others I gathered with during that time frame. I wanted to make sure I was thinking well about both present and future. Hopefully you have a financial plan, i.e. at least 3 months savings for emergency, saving for bills like car insurance and repairs, retirement, etc…..

A 5-year plan is no different except it deals with more than just money. For me it helped create focus for my mind, my abilities, my calling and my passions.

I asked 5 key questions that helped me develop my 5-year plan.

1. When am I at my best? Scott Eblin (follow the link for other insights I've noted from him) wrote about this in his book The Next Level. When my life is full of the things that fill my life, it's then that I'm at my best. Only then am I able to perform at the top level, be fully present for others and think most clearly about life. So I developed my list which included: teaching, missions and serving, swim officiating, exercising and reading.

If I'm not spending my time in these activities, I'm not going to have my full energy and I won't be able to be fully present for my family or people I serve.

2. In 5 years I want to be _____________________________. This has to be precise, personal and possible. Paint a clear picture of what that looks like and ask some close friends for an honest opinion whether it's really possible. If you want to be the CEO of a company in 5 years but you don't yet work for that company, well, that's probably not realistic.

From there list out what has to happen to make this a reality. Be detailed about it. I listed out the things I wanted to do, eliminated the unrealistic ones and made the others more precise. For instance, in my exercise portion, one thing I'd like to do is swim in a Master's swim meet and do a 100 free in :55 seconds. 55 @ 55! (Swimming a 100 in :50 while I'm 50 years old is simply not realistic, so I found a goal that will push me but is reachable assuming the body and joints hold together). But I realized, what I really wanted to do was make it back to finals, so I made it more specific, which also means I don't to wait or push for 5 more years. I might be able to do that THIS year.

3. Ask: What do you think I should a) consider doing and b) stop doing or not consider? 
This is a great question that leads to some of the deep change that needs to happen to achieve anything of significance. Having people in your life who will give you this honest feedback is essential. I was fortunate to have 5 of them who loved me and shot straight. They still do today and I'm better for it.

All of us think we're better at some things than we really are. And all of us have dreams and buried thoughts that should be brushed off and pursued. If you don't have these people in your life, then there's part of your 5-year plan.

4. What commitments do I need to keep? This creates the boundaries for the plan. What are my commitments to family? If I've committed to marriage, for instance, then I can't just take a year off to create a new career with the possibility of living with my mom! There are commitments I've already made that limit what I can do or at least the time frame or way I can accomplish a dream.

5. What am I afraid of? In other words, what is keeping me or might keep me from pursuing this plan? Am I afraid to fail? Then ask: What's that all about? I found that naming the fears lessened their power over me. Unspoken fears lurk in the shadows of our lives, playing with our minds and hearts. Looking them in the face spooks them more than us and frees us to pursue our dreams.

What will be happening in your life in 5 years? How will your life be different in 5 years? What needs to change in order for you to accomplish some of your dreams? Maybe start with a bucket list, just a simple list of things you'd like to do. I've got mine and it's fun to check them off.

Passive-Aggressive - spells trouble!

Early last year I was accused or in some ways diagnosed, by a person not qualified or educated to draw such a conclusion, as being passive-aggressive. I had learned enough about receiving feedback that I took note of it.

In that time I came across an article titled 10 Common Passive Aggressive Phrases to Avoid (Psychology Today blog). The authors borrowed a definition that reads this way: "passive aggression is defined as a deliberate and masked way of expressing covert feelings of anger." It involves a range of behaviors designed to get back at another person without him recognizing the underlying anger.

Here is the list and some thoughts I've thought.

1. "I'm Not Mad."

2. "Fine." "Whatever."

3. "I'm Coming!" (as in, I say it but delay the action)

4. "I Didn't Know You Meant Now."

5. "You Just Want Everything to be Perfect."

6. "I Thought You Knew."

7. "Sure, I'd be Happy To." (this is the angry smile)

8. "You've Done so Well for Someone with Your Education Level."

9. "I Was Only Joking"

10. "Why Are You Getting So Upset?"

If you've said many of these, as I have, it doesn't mean you're passive aggressive. Every human being has some tendency in that direction. Most get ahold of it and mature through it. If they become part of our nature, then we really do have a problem. Passive aggression can work in the short-term but long-term it will wipe out relationships. "Passive aggressive leadership" is an oxymoron and a recipe for trouble because it undermines the foundation of human interaction.

If you find yourself saying too many of these phrases too often, what can you do to reduce them? If you find yourself in almost all of them almost all the time, let me just say, you need therapy! Here are two simple thoughts for going beyond your own passive aggressive tendencies that can haunt us all.

1. Be aware of when this happens. I use an acronym, H.A.L.T. It's something addicts find helpful to identify their most troubling situations. Hungry - Angry - Lonely - Tired. Those circumstances will tend to bring out the worst in anyone. I try to stay aware in my own life, realizing that if I'm not well I won't be much help to those I'm seeking to help. Self-care is the first step to being available to others, effective at work and in this case, avoiding passive aggression.

2. Stop taking things personally. This has been a tough one for me and something I'll always need to keep an eye on. The best tool ever shared with me was a Q-TIP which stands for "Quit Taking It Personally." I've shared in-depth about it here: "Q-TIP Posts."

Do you take things personally? Answer this: How are you at receiving feedback that says you need to make some changes? Nobody likes to be told something they did wasn't up to par. Everyone, however, needs to hear about the things that need to step up to a new level both at work and at home. The best response to feedback is, "Thank you."

How do you get beyond passive aggression in your life?

By the way: I asked a neuro-psychologist to look with me into my own passive aggressive tendencies. At the end of that journey he assured me I'm not passive aggressive by diagnosis but I could always be less.

Thoughts on our 28th Anniversary

Today is our 28th Anniversary! 28th on the 28th. It's hard to imagine life without her - without us. We've been blessed with three children, all of whom are or are becoming contributing members of society rather than requiring societal resources. That's worthy of a celebration!

It's not all been easy. There were years raising teens, especially girls, when I thought I would lose my mind and my marriage was rattled. Raising our son was far easier. Just look at him and say: "Never even think about doing that again" and he wouldn't argue and typically wouldn't do it. The girls would often respond: "Why not? That's dumb." Those were years that tested our resolve.

2004 St. Augustine, FL

We've been living in an empty nest for almost a year. Yes, some have returned for a season and there's something to say about that too, but we highly recommend the empty nest years and look forward to what's next.

I share some thoughts at what is really the beginning of this season not because we're perfect, but because we're committed to learning and we have some history on which to look back.

1. DATING. We found fairly quickly that we left our consistent dating routine behind. It was just us and we loved it being just us again. But we realized we had stopped scheduling those weekly lunches - 11:30 on Wednesdays. We missed them. Throw in a movie night (at home or out), a dinner or a walk around the neighborhood and you've got the makings of a great routine that will keep you connected. Even in the empty nest we've found that life will help separate you if you're not diligient to staying connected.

2. ELECTRONICS. Put them away. Create boundaries. We're not very good at this. We've talked about it and are making progress but far too often we've found ourselves with screens open rather than holding hands while watching TV or better yet taking a walk and spending time just the two of us.

2011 Alaska Cruise

3. VACATIONS. My hobby is in the world of swim officiating for USA Swimming. I'm privileged to be at a place where it is taking me to places both nationally and globally. And now with the kids gone, there's more time for local meets as well as doing some traveling. We realized, however, that while I was traveling, we weren't vacationing together. With the freedom to pursue a hobby comes the need for boundaries on what's really important.

4. INVEST. It's not just about money. The best return for our dollar has been investing in our marriage with both time and money. Investing for the best return takes planning and planning takes communication. We decided early on that while we wanted to make retirement planning a priority, we weren't going to wait to spend time together. We've spent some dollars now - every 5th anniversary is a cruise (and can I just say the 25th to Alaska was incredible!). I took a sabbatical in 2012 and it was one of the best choices we've ever made. We've attended multiple marriage conferences. We've also made it a priority to save for retirement (a 1st world privilege) with an eye toward serving during that time. Our commitment to tithing and saving are our two biggest expenditures in our budget.

2012 Glen Eyrie, Colorado Springs Marriage Weekend

5. PLAN. Without planning we wouldn't be where we are today as a couple, spiritually or financially. Our planning hasn't just been about retirement. It's been about investing in people, using our gifts and talents to serve God's Kingdom in the coming years. So we've made sure to stay out of debt which gives us enormous flexibility with the present and the future. When we had the privilege of buying a house last year, we didn't spend all the bank said they would lend us.

For instance, God has given me a gift to teach. It would be a waste of His talent for me to not teach throughout my life, as long as I'm able to speak, think and write. So we're talking about how to do that - combining it with some traveling as well as what it looks like from our home base, wherever that is at the time.

6. #SIXSECONDS. A few months ago my friend Dr. Baker told a group of us about a study that proved kissing for 6 seconds changes the brain chemistry in an incredibly positive way. Taking time out for a 6 second kiss each day - for a 30 second hug each day - for a few moments to say "I love you" are some of the daily investments that have made for a great marriage for us. I've recently begun using #sixseconds in my marriage ceremony teaching. It's been quite a hit, especially when I say "You may kiss the bride." Wedding parties and congregations have begun counting out loud!

Do the little things each and every day. The things that say "I love you" without a word being spoken.

We've got so much more to learn. Hopefully we've got so far to go.

Where would you suggest we take our 30th Cruise? We've been to the Bahamas, Mexico, Greece & Turkey and Alaska (our 5th was a trip to Gatlinburg).

Feedback: How do you receive it?

The very thing we need the most we seem to often fight the most. God's grace, for instance - free, un-earnable, un-repayable...yet we seem to fight it, wanting to do life on our own.

Feedback is essential to our growth - as leaders, Christ-followers, marriage partners, and human beings in general. We are much too myopic to be able to traverse life by ourselves, without the input of others, unless we want to settle for mediocrity, never achieving our potential. But nobody likes to be told they're not good at something. We have a natural tendency to fight feedback.

Even if the feedback is delivered in a poor, irrational and unfocused manner there are things to hear. I've learned a few things about receiving feedback as I've looked back at the poor ways I've handled it in the past.

1. Have no ego. This is tough in a man-eating world where climbing to the top permeates the atmosphere of a company. It's our ego that gets bruised when we react negatively to feedback. The person who can remove their own protective filters in order to listen to others perceptions or factual data will grow personally as well as in the eyes of his or her superiors. People who know they don't know it all are people who will know more in the long run.

I wrote a blog about this a couple of years ago that goes into some more detail - "Ego: Friend of Foe"

In fact, a great response to feedback is a simple, "Thank you."

2. Write to keep quiet. One of my mistaking in missing the truth of feedback is talking too much, becoming defensive. I have found if I'll type out some notes about what I'm hearing, it not only helps me focus but keeps my mouth shut! I'm also able to learn more both during a feedback session and afterwards.

3. Ask questions. Avoid "why" questions, which will simply put everyone on the defensive. I've learned that "what" and "how" questions work well. "What do I do that comes across that way?" or "How would you suggest I change that."

Good feedback will involve specific examples. Questions can help bring them out if they're missing. Questions can also help clarify cloudiness and define uncertainties. I also think asking for time is helpful, time to respond. A period of introspection will reveal truth where the emotion of the moment may obscure it.

4. Ask for feedback consistently. In my hobby of swim officiating, I am evaluated every year or two officially. But I ask for feedback at most meets during the year. I want to stay on top of my game. In business it's appropriate for regular feedback to be shared, not dumped once a year in a performance review.

What have you learned about receiving feedback? What about giving feedback.

1st World Moments Missed

It was father's day, after worship and after lunch (@ Skyline of course). Stephanie and I stopped by the grocery to get two small things for dinner that night. We chose a line and o, the line we chose. A father with his two children were in front of us, just about done when he began complaining about the price of the apples. They weren't discounted as he thought they should be, which is what happens when you put 5 apples in the same clear bag but they are 5 different kinds of apples. (men and their shopping habits)

He proceeded to shame the cashier, calling her incompetent. It obviously rattled her. I asked Stephanie if I we should pay the $1.00 difference for him. I'm all for getting the right price but there's a right way to get that right price. This was not that way.

Stephanie looked at me: "1st world problem I think we're dealing with."

How right she was.

The manager came over, straightened everything out and we stepped up with our two small items. "Take a deep breathe," we said to the cashier. She quickly shared that she had a stroke 10 years ago and doesn't do well when people throw numbers at her like he did.

I learned a few things in those moments:

1. I love going through life with my wife. It's awesome when you have someone with whom you agree about the big stuff. It "cost" us a few extra minutes to let him have his tirade. We didn't mind really. It was inconvenient and disturbing but was really nothing in the big picture.

Having just returned from Haiti was definitely helpful to that perspective. It was a privilege to stand in line at a grocery full of food, with the dollars to purchase what we did.

2. Asking a question would have been helpful. Knowing what the cashier's circumstances were shed a whole new light on the situation. It's one of the 7 habits of highly effective people - "Seek first to understand, then to be understood."

3. Every moment is a teachable moment. This dad missed it. I've missed my share to be sure. He had a chance to help his kids learn something positive and all they learned was something negative. Chances are they'll treat other people the same way.

"1st World Problem" might be my new phrase for a while. It's one of the most transforming pieces of going to the 3rd world on mission. But we can be On Mission at home too. Every day. Each moment.

How will you be On Mission today?

A Long Obedience in the Same Direction

It's time for re-entry, the most perilous procedure of space travel…..and mission work. There is the chance that the new life birthed could be snuffed out in a moment, upon contact with the familiar and comfortable of the previous life. It is a previous life because life can never be the same again. You can try to put behind you the experiences and temporary inconveniences, the trouble and assault on the sense, but you can never do it completely. The Spirit's work in the hearts of those who "go" will always linger. The impact might lessen, if we let it. The memories might fade, if we aren't diligent.

I read Eugene Peterson's book by this blog title's name many years ago. At the moment it's tucked away in a box, stacked in my garage - box upon box - because there is no room for most in our present circumstances. Without going back to it, I'm not certain if he would appreciate my use of his title in this way.

Both the book and this post are about discipleship in an instant gratification culture. We can't hope to microwave a heart change in a week and do nothing in response upon return. When a clay pot is fired for the second time, the purpose is to mature the glaze and the clay, "meaning the stoneware is brought to a temperature at which it is no longer porous and the glaze achieves a glasslike finish." This is the work after re-entry from a trip. Choosing opportunities to help God's work in the heart create a glasslike finish so that when He looks at our lives we reflect only Him.

Here's the key I think I've discovered from my dozens of trips. FINISH.

A short-term trip is not about saying "I went" but rather "what I do now is because I went." The cycle of mission is incomplete without doing back home what you did while you were away. We began to discuss this on Sunday night in our devotional time. Ideas were floated - serve here - do this. We will serve. We will find ways to do here what we did there. Consider what any short-term team does:

• they made time to serve
• they spent money for the privilege of serving
• they had fun all along the way
• it wasn't so much about the work but more about the relationships and conversations
• there were many inconveniences (to a 1st world life)

Plan now for times to serve or life will fill up your schedule with good fun that won't mature the glaze.

It's a long obedience in the same direction. Choose to keep life headed where the trip turned your attention.

Perhaps you have gone before but find yourself off the path. Choose to step back on. Do it today. It will probably be inconvenient and maybe uncomfortable but I've never met a discipleship path that isn't.