3 Questions for Each Day

It's easy to waste a day. A few minutes in front of the TV turns into hours. Angry Birds takes your attention and before you know it, the greater part of a day is gone. An addiction calls to you. Instead of calling in your support network, you battle it on your own, knowing it's a losing battle. Pretty soon, a day is gone.

Asking questions has made me a better leader, listener and mentor. I've become a better teacher, friend and husband. I've learned to ask some questions to help give focus to my days. These questions at the end of a day brings anticipation and expectation to the next day for me.

1 Did I make a difference today? Every day I have a chance to make a difference in someone's life - probably several someone's if I'm paying attention. The question could also be asked: "Did I help someone today?" Making a difference is not an option for me. God gifts each of us with human talents and Christ followers have the added impact of spiritual gifts. Using them to make a difference isn't optional.

2 Did I help someone smile today? It's really easy to make someone smile. Smile at them first. Do something nice for them. Hold a door. Wait patiently in line. Say, "No worries" when a waitress is flustered by too many tables. Be generous with compliments because everyone will smile when complimented (well, most people).

3 Did I learn something today? I'm a learner so this is something that keeps me at my best. One of the practices that helps me learn is journaling, blogging or some kind of writing.
   Reflecting on my day helps me see where God was active and where I may have missed Him. If I can see what I learned one day, it drives me to pay attention the next day.

How do you stay focused? What keeps you learning and growing?

Things that Wipe Out our Relationships - Money

Continuing some thoughts on the things that wipe out our relationships. Money is the number one issue of conflict in a marriage and probably in most relationships. When Walmart marries Saks Fifth Avenue, you know there is going to be conflict around money. For me, staying out of debt is the number one way to calm this ugly destroyer of relationships.

Proverbs 22:7 “The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is always slave to the lender.”

Debt is slavery. It’s that simple. Debt is the most immediate pressure that most marriages and individuals feel in their lives. The average college graduate has over $20,000 in debt, starting life in slavery to money. And that doesn’t include credit card debt. The average credit card debt in America is over $7000! You know what we do when we go into debt – we have faith that we will keep getting paid, keep making money, in order to pay that debt. We have faith in a company or in ourselves. That’s not the place we want to grow our faith. We change. Companies change. Life happens. God never changes.

The greatest thing that leads us into debt: Immediate gratification. One of the ways we have tackled this problem is with cars. First of all, owning a car - just one car - is a first world problem. Most of the world knows nothing about owning a car.

Cars are a depreciating asset. In order to reduce that impact on our bank account we always buy used cars instead of new. Then we drive them until they are nearing unsafe or just plain stop working. The added bonus is that this became an embarrassment to our children!

Some ways out of debt:
1. Giving
It seems foolish on the surface, but giving does something to our hearts. Learning to give and trust God changes the focus of our hearts. That’s where the debt problem comes from – our hearts. It’s not a cash flow problem. Debt is a spiritual issue. Giving is a spiritual issue. That’s why Jesus talked about it so much.

It may mean some lifestyle adjustments but learning to give, beginning to give even in the midst of repaying debt is vital to getting out of debt. If you say to yourself that you’ll wait until the debt is gone to start giving you’ll never start giving because you’ll just accumulate more debt. Giving is a heart change that is necessary to staying out of debt.

Proverbs 11:25 “A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.”

2. Change of heart not change of cash flow. Materialism is a heart issue not a cash flow issue. We want what Hollywood and Madison Avenue says we should have.

Luke 12:34 (New Living) “Wherever your treasure is, there your heart and thoughts will also be.”

Jesus knew that the heart follows the cash and the cash follows the heart. If we are in debt guess where our hearts are going to be? At the very least we’re going to be distracted TOWARD the debt and AWAY FROM Jesus. At worst we’ll be totally drawn away working and worrying to pay off the debts we’ve accumulated.

This is one of the main reasons I talk about money in church. Money – giving and staying out of debt – are spiritual issues. What we do with our money actually says more about our spiritual heart than about our bank accounts. It’s an essential mindset shift to stay out of debt – how we use our money is a spiritual or heart issue.

3. Learn contentment
2 Kings 4:2 “Elisha replied to her, "How can I help you? Tell me, what do you have in your house?" "Your servant has nothing there at all," she said, "except a little oil."

I love the question Elisha asked the widow in verse two. She was saying, "I can't believe I'm in this situation. My husband died, and my husband was a godly man; he was from the house of prophets." Yes, bad things happen to good people. "Now we have mortgaged my children's future. They’re coming to take my children into slavery." Elisha asked her, "What do you have in your house?" "Well, I don't make enough money, that's the problem. If I just made more money then I wouldn't be in this situation."

Whoa! Getting out of debt isn't about making more money, it's about spending less than you make. You can't always control how much money you make, but you do have control over how much you spend.


How many times have you run into the house and said, "Look, I saved money! I got this for 50% off." You would have saved 100% if you had never gone to the store in the first place!

4. Understand the cross
Galatians 2:20 “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live but Christ lives in me.”

When you become a Christ follower you no longer live. And if you no longer live then that means you don’t care what kind of car you drive, where you live, the clothes you have or anything else.

Understanding life in Jesus has everything to do with our finances. It means our bank accounts don’t belong to us. They belong to the Lord. He gives resources to us so that we can so that we can fulfill His heart in our lives.

Does this mean we can’t take vacations? Of course not. Does this mean we can’t own a condo in Florida, have a pool in your backyard or drive a new car? Of course not. It does mean – have you checked with God?

You see, if you are giving 10% as a baseline and then being responsive to the things God brings to you on top of that, those others things – the new car, the bigger house, the big vacations – there is nothing wrong with them. Trying to do all of that INSTEAD of giving and responding to God means you have not yet been crucified with Christ.

How are you allowing money to rule your life? What steps can you take to make money a tool for living?

Things that Wipeout our Relationships - Conflict

Relationships make up our lives. Without them, life is empty and no matter how much we enjoy our "alone" time, always alone isn't really living. But there are some common things that wipe out our relationships. Healthy relationships require us to be aware of those things and to have some strategy for dealing with them.

First is conflict. Whenever you are in relationship with another human being, there will be conflict. It's going to happen. It's what you do with the conflict that matters the most.

Avoid conflict and you avoid the things that grow you as a person and in that relationship. You end up dwelling in the arena of assumptions and guesses, instead of truth. And that will wipeout relationships.

1. Pursue unity. Pursue unity over victory. If it's more important to be right, then there will be more conflict. I'm not suggesting lies should become the norm but rather proving you are right isn't always the most helpful approach. Ask yourself: Can I live with this? Does this really matter?

2. Put on humility & compassion
Philippians 2:3-4 “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

As long as you're concerned about your own pride, your own image, your own reputation, you'll create more conflict in your life. Have no opinions. Listen. Seek the best for others.

3. Take a self-examination
Nobody likes exams, whether they're in school or some medical exam. But they help us understand how we are doing, how much we are learning, where we are so we know how far we have to go. Remembering to examine ourselves helps us use conflict in a constructive way.


Matthew 7:3-5 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

4. Have courage
Matthew 18:15-17 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

This is the tough one, but the necessary one. Some conflicts are ones that result from sin and it needs to be confronted. Jesus doesn't call us to come as we are and stay as we are. Jesus is about loving us where we are and growing us to be more like Him. That means change.

Some conflicts arise from sin in other people's lives and we are called to humbly and compassionately confront the sin while loving the person. It should be approached cautiously, prayerfully, and in cooperation with others.

5. Speak the truth in love
Ephesians 4:14-15 “Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. 15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.”

Some people side with the love part. Others side with the truth part. God's Word calls us to have equal parts of each. Truth in love.

6. Trust in God's sovereignty


God's sovereignty means God's way wins in the end. I don't believe God ever intended that we defend Him. He needs no defense. He needs witnesses to the change He brings to our lives but He doesn't require people who will pick on every little thing.

Focus on the issue not the person Remove the emotion from it. Don't take it personally.

Conflict happens any time two or more human beings are in relationship. How we handle the conflict will mean growth or decay for those relationships. Which course will you take? It's your choice.

5 Experiments for Money Management

We're in a series @ The Park Church called "Wipeout: the things that wipe out our relationships." Topics have included conflict, sex, selfishness and, yes, money. Money is the #1 source of conflict in marriages. It can destroy any relationship if not handled well or it can be a tool to help feed the relationship of necessary nutrients.

One of the ways we grow as human beings is to try experiments. A short-term mission trip is a great experiment that everyone should do at least once in life. It takes you out of your comfort zone, which opens your heart to things you would not otherwise notice. I've done experiments with prayer to grow my prayer life. I've experimented with Facebook, cutting it off for months at a time, only then realizing how much time I spent on it.

Without experiments we end up in a rut and can mistake the edge of the rut for the horizon. If we do that with money it will too late by the time we realize it and our relationships will wipe out.

Here are 5 experiments in the realm of money that can help any individual or family with to manage money better.

1 Stop all credit cards for one month. Credit card debt is a killer for managing money well. Statements are excellent tools for tracking expenses but to not pay it off each month is a waste of money. With credit cards we buy things we cannot afford and then keep paying on them so they cost twice as much.

If you have issues with credit cards, I would recommend cutting them up.

2 Give 10% to your church for one month. If you're not already tithing (giving 10%) - the beginning point of generosity - then do an experiment for one month. Debt is a symptom of the heart, it is not a function of cash flow. Change the heart and you'll change your approach to money. I've never met a generous person who had issues with money, barring something like medical bills that could swallow any one's life.

3 Cut out Christmas presents one year. It's a radical experiment in our culture that has turned Christmas into a material holiday. The average family pays for Christmas through the first quarter of the following year. Cut off buying presents, instead send a nice email note with pictures and a message. Or give 25 or 50% of your usual Christmas budget to something like the Live Simply Project and send some cards to loved ones with a message: "This year I gave to the poorest of the poor in your name."

Not only will this experiment help you with money management but it might also help you re-capture the real meaning of the season.

4 Go on a Serve-cation. We've heard of Stay-cations. I'm suggesting using your vacation dollars to serve others, while also having some vacation yourself. Go to the Black Hills of South Dakota for a week, then spend a week serving on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation. Fly to the Grand Canyon and then serve on the Four Corners Reservation. Plan a trip to a great city like Chicago or New York, then connect with a ministry that serves in a soup kitchen. There are hundreds of ways to accomplish this. You might even combine a Serve & Stay-cation by serving meals to the homeless on Thanksgiving Day instead of over-eating on a lavish meal at home.

5 Talk with a trusted friend or a financial advisor and ask this question: "Would you take a look at what I spend money on and suggest ways to trim expenses?" God did not design us to do life on our own. We need people. We thrive in community. There is no way to come up with every way to save on our own. By ourselves we're myopic. Community is God's corrective lenses.

The point of all this is: DO SOMETHING. An inability to control money will mean disaster for relationships. These experiments will open your eyes to new thoughts, new ways and especially it will change your heart. It's the heart that is at the heart of how to handle money.

5 Questions for a 5-year plan

Compass v. Calendar. It's an image that helps keep me focused. Knowing where I'm going is far more important than how fast I'm are getting there. While the calendar helps with checkpoints and deadlines, if what I'm pushing toward isn't connected to my ultimate goal, then it's only busyness and won't lead to impact.

After a job and location change was announced in my life, I took time to develop a 5-year plan with my accountability partners plus some others I gathered with during that time frame. I wanted to make sure I was thinking well about both present and future. Hopefully you have a financial plan, i.e. at least 3 months savings for emergency, saving for bills like car insurance and repairs, retirement, etc…..

A 5-year plan is no different except it deals with more than just money. For me it helped create focus for my mind, my abilities, my calling and my passions.

I asked 5 key questions that helped me develop my 5-year plan.

1. When am I at my best? Scott Eblin (follow the link for other insights I've noted from him) wrote about this in his book The Next Level. When my life is full of the things that fill my life, it's then that I'm at my best. Only then am I able to perform at the top level, be fully present for others and think most clearly about life. So I developed my list which included: teaching, missions and serving, swim officiating, exercising and reading.

If I'm not spending my time in these activities, I'm not going to have my full energy and I won't be able to be fully present for my family or people I serve.

2. In 5 years I want to be _____________________________. This has to be precise, personal and possible. Paint a clear picture of what that looks like and ask some close friends for an honest opinion whether it's really possible. If you want to be the CEO of a company in 5 years but you don't yet work for that company, well, that's probably not realistic.

From there list out what has to happen to make this a reality. Be detailed about it. I listed out the things I wanted to do, eliminated the unrealistic ones and made the others more precise. For instance, in my exercise portion, one thing I'd like to do is swim in a Master's swim meet and do a 100 free in :55 seconds. 55 @ 55! (Swimming a 100 in :50 while I'm 50 years old is simply not realistic, so I found a goal that will push me but is reachable assuming the body and joints hold together). But I realized, what I really wanted to do was make it back to finals, so I made it more specific, which also means I don't to wait or push for 5 more years. I might be able to do that THIS year.

3. Ask: What do you think I should a) consider doing and b) stop doing or not consider? 
This is a great question that leads to some of the deep change that needs to happen to achieve anything of significance. Having people in your life who will give you this honest feedback is essential. I was fortunate to have 5 of them who loved me and shot straight. They still do today and I'm better for it.

All of us think we're better at some things than we really are. And all of us have dreams and buried thoughts that should be brushed off and pursued. If you don't have these people in your life, then there's part of your 5-year plan.

4. What commitments do I need to keep? This creates the boundaries for the plan. What are my commitments to family? If I've committed to marriage, for instance, then I can't just take a year off to create a new career with the possibility of living with my mom! There are commitments I've already made that limit what I can do or at least the time frame or way I can accomplish a dream.

5. What am I afraid of? In other words, what is keeping me or might keep me from pursuing this plan? Am I afraid to fail? Then ask: What's that all about? I found that naming the fears lessened their power over me. Unspoken fears lurk in the shadows of our lives, playing with our minds and hearts. Looking them in the face spooks them more than us and frees us to pursue our dreams.

What will be happening in your life in 5 years? How will your life be different in 5 years? What needs to change in order for you to accomplish some of your dreams? Maybe start with a bucket list, just a simple list of things you'd like to do. I've got mine and it's fun to check them off.

Passive-Aggressive - spells trouble!

Early last year I was accused or in some ways diagnosed, by a person not qualified or educated to draw such a conclusion, as being passive-aggressive. I had learned enough about receiving feedback that I took note of it.

In that time I came across an article titled 10 Common Passive Aggressive Phrases to Avoid (Psychology Today blog). The authors borrowed a definition that reads this way: "passive aggression is defined as a deliberate and masked way of expressing covert feelings of anger." It involves a range of behaviors designed to get back at another person without him recognizing the underlying anger.

Here is the list and some thoughts I've thought.

1. "I'm Not Mad."

2. "Fine." "Whatever."

3. "I'm Coming!" (as in, I say it but delay the action)

4. "I Didn't Know You Meant Now."

5. "You Just Want Everything to be Perfect."

6. "I Thought You Knew."

7. "Sure, I'd be Happy To." (this is the angry smile)

8. "You've Done so Well for Someone with Your Education Level."

9. "I Was Only Joking"

10. "Why Are You Getting So Upset?"

If you've said many of these, as I have, it doesn't mean you're passive aggressive. Every human being has some tendency in that direction. Most get ahold of it and mature through it. If they become part of our nature, then we really do have a problem. Passive aggression can work in the short-term but long-term it will wipe out relationships. "Passive aggressive leadership" is an oxymoron and a recipe for trouble because it undermines the foundation of human interaction.

If you find yourself saying too many of these phrases too often, what can you do to reduce them? If you find yourself in almost all of them almost all the time, let me just say, you need therapy! Here are two simple thoughts for going beyond your own passive aggressive tendencies that can haunt us all.

1. Be aware of when this happens. I use an acronym, H.A.L.T. It's something addicts find helpful to identify their most troubling situations. Hungry - Angry - Lonely - Tired. Those circumstances will tend to bring out the worst in anyone. I try to stay aware in my own life, realizing that if I'm not well I won't be much help to those I'm seeking to help. Self-care is the first step to being available to others, effective at work and in this case, avoiding passive aggression.

2. Stop taking things personally. This has been a tough one for me and something I'll always need to keep an eye on. The best tool ever shared with me was a Q-TIP which stands for "Quit Taking It Personally." I've shared in-depth about it here: "Q-TIP Posts."

Do you take things personally? Answer this: How are you at receiving feedback that says you need to make some changes? Nobody likes to be told something they did wasn't up to par. Everyone, however, needs to hear about the things that need to step up to a new level both at work and at home. The best response to feedback is, "Thank you."

How do you get beyond passive aggression in your life?

By the way: I asked a neuro-psychologist to look with me into my own passive aggressive tendencies. At the end of that journey he assured me I'm not passive aggressive by diagnosis but I could always be less.

Thoughts on our 28th Anniversary

Today is our 28th Anniversary! 28th on the 28th. It's hard to imagine life without her - without us. We've been blessed with three children, all of whom are or are becoming contributing members of society rather than requiring societal resources. That's worthy of a celebration!

It's not all been easy. There were years raising teens, especially girls, when I thought I would lose my mind and my marriage was rattled. Raising our son was far easier. Just look at him and say: "Never even think about doing that again" and he wouldn't argue and typically wouldn't do it. The girls would often respond: "Why not? That's dumb." Those were years that tested our resolve.

2004 St. Augustine, FL

We've been living in an empty nest for almost a year. Yes, some have returned for a season and there's something to say about that too, but we highly recommend the empty nest years and look forward to what's next.

I share some thoughts at what is really the beginning of this season not because we're perfect, but because we're committed to learning and we have some history on which to look back.

1. DATING. We found fairly quickly that we left our consistent dating routine behind. It was just us and we loved it being just us again. But we realized we had stopped scheduling those weekly lunches - 11:30 on Wednesdays. We missed them. Throw in a movie night (at home or out), a dinner or a walk around the neighborhood and you've got the makings of a great routine that will keep you connected. Even in the empty nest we've found that life will help separate you if you're not diligient to staying connected.

2. ELECTRONICS. Put them away. Create boundaries. We're not very good at this. We've talked about it and are making progress but far too often we've found ourselves with screens open rather than holding hands while watching TV or better yet taking a walk and spending time just the two of us.

2011 Alaska Cruise

3. VACATIONS. My hobby is in the world of swim officiating for USA Swimming. I'm privileged to be at a place where it is taking me to places both nationally and globally. And now with the kids gone, there's more time for local meets as well as doing some traveling. We realized, however, that while I was traveling, we weren't vacationing together. With the freedom to pursue a hobby comes the need for boundaries on what's really important.

4. INVEST. It's not just about money. The best return for our dollar has been investing in our marriage with both time and money. Investing for the best return takes planning and planning takes communication. We decided early on that while we wanted to make retirement planning a priority, we weren't going to wait to spend time together. We've spent some dollars now - every 5th anniversary is a cruise (and can I just say the 25th to Alaska was incredible!). I took a sabbatical in 2012 and it was one of the best choices we've ever made. We've attended multiple marriage conferences. We've also made it a priority to save for retirement (a 1st world privilege) with an eye toward serving during that time. Our commitment to tithing and saving are our two biggest expenditures in our budget.

2012 Glen Eyrie, Colorado Springs Marriage Weekend

5. PLAN. Without planning we wouldn't be where we are today as a couple, spiritually or financially. Our planning hasn't just been about retirement. It's been about investing in people, using our gifts and talents to serve God's Kingdom in the coming years. So we've made sure to stay out of debt which gives us enormous flexibility with the present and the future. When we had the privilege of buying a house last year, we didn't spend all the bank said they would lend us.

For instance, God has given me a gift to teach. It would be a waste of His talent for me to not teach throughout my life, as long as I'm able to speak, think and write. So we're talking about how to do that - combining it with some traveling as well as what it looks like from our home base, wherever that is at the time.

6. #SIXSECONDS. A few months ago my friend Dr. Baker told a group of us about a study that proved kissing for 6 seconds changes the brain chemistry in an incredibly positive way. Taking time out for a 6 second kiss each day - for a 30 second hug each day - for a few moments to say "I love you" are some of the daily investments that have made for a great marriage for us. I've recently begun using #sixseconds in my marriage ceremony teaching. It's been quite a hit, especially when I say "You may kiss the bride." Wedding parties and congregations have begun counting out loud!

Do the little things each and every day. The things that say "I love you" without a word being spoken.

We've got so much more to learn. Hopefully we've got so far to go.

Where would you suggest we take our 30th Cruise? We've been to the Bahamas, Mexico, Greece & Turkey and Alaska (our 5th was a trip to Gatlinburg).