Conflict happens whenever there is even a small group of human beings in the same space. Some people think working in a church must surely be the ideal setting. But in the church too we find conflict because human beings work there. And there's conflict when there's just 1 - we are often conflicted about a choice to make in life.
In marriage the three biggest areas of conflict are: Money, Sex & In-Laws/Family in that order. Honestly, I think those are the three biggest conflict areas for anyone, married or not.
A good friend of mine, Dan, has a phrase: "Stay in the room." When there is conflict be sure that you don't lose connection. The only bad conflict is when it leads to a lack of connection. If there's no communication, if there's not honesty, if there's not an effort to maintain the relationship connection, then conflict is bad.
There is a lot of conflict in the Bible. A notable incident is recorded in Acts 15. Paul and Barnabas had just completed a successful missionary journey planting and strengthening churches. In Jerusalem, after the church leaders worked their way through a conflict, it's Paul and Baranabas that get into such a sharp disagreement that they part ways. They disagreed on whom whether or not to take a young disciple, John Mark, on their second journey, after he abandoned Paul and Barnabas on the first journey.
Christians sometimes think that all conflict is bad, that all separations are evil, that something must be wrong. That's simply not true. It's the way conflict is handled that matters most.
I'm certainly no expert, having made my share of mistakes in handling conflict. Sometimes I wait too long and other times I charge in too quickly. But there are some good guidelines for handing conflict that I have found helpful over the years.
1. Live by Romans 12:18 - "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." I love the acknowledgment of truth - the possibility that we won't live at peace with all people. My job is to own what I can own, while making sure I don't own what is someone else's to own.
In conflict, God says the responsibility is with me to make the approach. It doesn't mean walk right in. Sometimes the right move is to give space. Sometimes the right move is an offer to talk. Timing certainly does matter.
My wife needs space to think. I like to talk things through. We've had conflict about the way we approach conflict!
2. Don't take it personally - unless it is. This is a growing edge for me that I wrote about this summer (Q-TIP, Endings & Beginnings, A Passion for Truth, Ego: Friend or Foe, Regular Renewal for Growth) and continue to learn to apply it. Sometimes the conflict IS personal - when it's something you can't change like the pitch of your voice that annoys. You can't change that but you can be aware of it.
Some conflicts are made personal by the nature of the attacks but maturity and grace accepts truth wherever it can find it, and is appreciative of the opportunity to grow.
3. The relationship is the goal. This goes right in line with #2 but takes it a step further. Not only don't take it personally but make sure the relationship remains your primary concern. Another way to say it is that the goal is not to win. If the goal becomes "getting your way" or "winning" then most likely the relationship will suffer.
In marriage this means asking a question like this: "Am I loving my wife in a sacrificial way, in the way that Christ loves the Church?" - "Am I honoring my husband in the way God desires me to?"
Conflicts are going to happen. What will you do with them?
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