Passive-Aggressive - spells trouble!

Early last year I was accused or in some ways diagnosed, by a person not qualified or educated to draw such a conclusion, as being passive-aggressive. I had learned enough about receiving feedback that I took note of it.

In that time I came across an article titled 10 Common Passive Aggressive Phrases to Avoid (Psychology Today blog). The authors borrowed a definition that reads this way: "passive aggression is defined as a deliberate and masked way of expressing covert feelings of anger." It involves a range of behaviors designed to get back at another person without him recognizing the underlying anger.

Here is the list and some thoughts I've thought.

1. "I'm Not Mad."

2. "Fine." "Whatever."

3. "I'm Coming!" (as in, I say it but delay the action)

4. "I Didn't Know You Meant Now."

5. "You Just Want Everything to be Perfect."

6. "I Thought You Knew."

7. "Sure, I'd be Happy To." (this is the angry smile)

8. "You've Done so Well for Someone with Your Education Level."

9. "I Was Only Joking"

10. "Why Are You Getting So Upset?"

If you've said many of these, as I have, it doesn't mean you're passive aggressive. Every human being has some tendency in that direction. Most get ahold of it and mature through it. If they become part of our nature, then we really do have a problem. Passive aggression can work in the short-term but long-term it will wipe out relationships. "Passive aggressive leadership" is an oxymoron and a recipe for trouble because it undermines the foundation of human interaction.

If you find yourself saying too many of these phrases too often, what can you do to reduce them? If you find yourself in almost all of them almost all the time, let me just say, you need therapy! Here are two simple thoughts for going beyond your own passive aggressive tendencies that can haunt us all.

1. Be aware of when this happens. I use an acronym, H.A.L.T. It's something addicts find helpful to identify their most troubling situations. Hungry - Angry - Lonely - Tired. Those circumstances will tend to bring out the worst in anyone. I try to stay aware in my own life, realizing that if I'm not well I won't be much help to those I'm seeking to help. Self-care is the first step to being available to others, effective at work and in this case, avoiding passive aggression.

2. Stop taking things personally. This has been a tough one for me and something I'll always need to keep an eye on. The best tool ever shared with me was a Q-TIP which stands for "Quit Taking It Personally." I've shared in-depth about it here: "Q-TIP Posts."

Do you take things personally? Answer this: How are you at receiving feedback that says you need to make some changes? Nobody likes to be told something they did wasn't up to par. Everyone, however, needs to hear about the things that need to step up to a new level both at work and at home. The best response to feedback is, "Thank you."

How do you get beyond passive aggression in your life?

By the way: I asked a neuro-psychologist to look with me into my own passive aggressive tendencies. At the end of that journey he assured me I'm not passive aggressive by diagnosis but I could always be less.