Saturday morning June 7th

 It's Saturday morning - we've finished breakfast and are sitting by the pool. Yes, there is a pool. For some reason I can't get the blog post I wrote to copy over to Blogger. Still working on it for yesterday's.

Today we're off to a Baptist Mission in the hills - up a mountain - where we'll get to spend time with some orphans, learn about the culture and see some amazing views.

Seems that everyone slept well last night. The older guys (that would include me) were the last ones up. I forgot that Haiti doesn't follow daylight savings so there was an hour difference - BUT - OMS follows U.S. time so teams don't have to figure it out. OOPS! 

Some highlights:

- A long day of delays with lots of conversation, card playing and sleeping on planes

- craziness in the airport with getting all our bags and finding our way out

- quiet vans on the hour long drive here - that's what it does to you your first time here

- good food waiting for us when we finally arrived

- great devotional time last night

- meeting the team leaving Sunday morning (from West Chester)

- meeting Tony and his granddaughter Taylor who are joining our group for the week

- finally getting to sleep after a long, hot, hard day

More soon I hope

Back to Haiti

This week marks a new era, a new chapter, full of new possibilities in my life. First is I get to introduce a new church to what I consider my 2nd country, Haiti. A team of 16 of us is about to head off for a week of work for a family still displaced by the horrendous 2010 earthquake. We'll be in a place I've never been, doing work I've never done there, with a team of people made up of 14 who have never been out of the country on a mission trip. That all creates for an exciting time full of unanticipated wonder and grace, the gaps filled in by God's Spirit.

Short-term mission trips, I believe, are a crucial central piece to any effective discipleship strategy. 

1 - Creates Unbalance - just as our physical bodies benefit from off-balance exercise using exercise balls, a variety of core work lifting legs and arms to create greater strength; so our spiritual lives benefit from being thrown off balance. Both physically and spiritually it's something we have to deliberately choose. Spiritually it strengthens us.

2. Opens us to a new perspective - sometimes people complain that there is so much to do right here so why go so far away? What I find is that it is often necessary to get out of our comfort zone, into unfamiliar territory, that opens our eyes to the things right in front of us back home. Missions is also not complete until you do at home what you did while you were away.

3. Fulfills the call of Jesus - in Acts 1:8 Jesus gave the disciples then and us now a clear map of where we were to be His hands and feet - Jerusalem (at home) - Judea (surrounding region) - Samaria (a place we wouldn't normally go) - ends of the earth (just in case we were confused about how far). It's never an either or but rather a both and answer to should I stay or should I go. YES!

One Mission Society has had a footprint in Haiti for some 65 years now, but this work of Homes 4 Haiti is new, vibrant and doing some practical work with immediate results. I haven't been to Port-au-Prince (except through the airport once) since 1979. There have been dramatic changes, not the least of which is the 2010 earthquake.

Stay tuned to this blog for updates (which I hope are daily).

Knowing God's Will

It's one of the most asked questions - How can I know God's will for my life? I would say that it's second only to "How should you pray?"

We began tackling these and other quetsions last week @ The Park. This week will be about prayer questions. Here's some of what I shared - and some of what I didn't have time for - concerning knowing God's will for our lives.

God wants us to know His will for each of us. He doesn't play hide and seek with it. He doesn't throw a package out in the world and challenge us to go find it. He wants us to know. So why do so many people have a hard time figuring it out?

It all starts with a surrendered heart, a willingness to go where He says go, to stay where He says stay and to move when He says move. When we put limits on what we'll do or where we'll go - "I'll go anywhere but there, Lord!" - God's will will become unclear.

Second for me is the most important of the next steps. It's what I call my deep theological systematic method for discovering God's will: PAY ATTENTION! That's really the key. So often people believe God's will is going to be something they don't like, something that will make them miserable and in some place that they don't like. I have not found that to be the case.

Pay attention to what makes your heart sing. Pay attention to the people you run across and the experiences you have. A question I've learned to ask: "When is my life at its fullest and most fulfilled?" There's a good chance God's will is going to be found in that mix.

I have a gift for teaching and I know God's will for me is to teach in the church and to teach pastors around the world. So that's what I pursue. I love it. It's energizing to my soul. There are some places God has led us that we weren't sure about going, but it wasn't about the place. It was about meeting God there, in the place He was waiting for us.

That leads to the next thing: knowing God's will is more about knowing God than what, where and when. What I mean is, when we pay attention to our relationship with God first, all the other pieces tend to fall into place. Pursue God and we won't limit the who, what, where and when of His will for our lives. When we want God more than anything else, then we're well on our way to living out His will for our lives.

The final point I shared was this: Faithfulness in the small things. I heard of a Pastor who taught a great message on his first Sunday. The second Sunday he gave the same message. The third Sunday it was again the same. Someone boldly asked: "Are you ever going to give a different message?" The Pastor replied: "Sure. When we start doing this piece we'll go onto the next one."

There is already so much of God's will revealed in His Word, we should start concentrating on making sure we're doing those things. They need no special word from God. Things like don't lie, no cheating, live generously, keep sex in marriage, serve others…..All of these and more are clearly spelled out in God's Word.

As we build a life of faithfulness to God's revealed will, His personal will becomes more clear. Faithfulness in small things leads to the revealing of bigger things.

Knowing and following God's will will take each of us to places we never dreamed of, to do things we couldn't have imagined and into relationships that we could have never expected. 

Where can you start down the path to knowing and following God's will for your life?

Clarifying Your Values

Unbelievable! Their values were exposed. One issued an apology, but I have I've lost some respect for him. The temporary took over from the eternal on the priority list for these guys. The rush out of the gate to begin the baseball season betrayed their hearts. We know the story: Mets second baseman Daniel Murphy missed the first two games to be with his wife for the birth of their first child.

Mike Francesa of WFAN Radio said: "You're a major league baseball player. You can hire a nurse."

Seriously?!

So the value is money not relationship. If you have money it gives you permission to rearrange your values, to rethink your commitments and to miss the things that happen only once.

Absurd! Money can't buy memories.

Boomer Esiason's suggestion that a c-section should have been scheduled demonstrates a complete lack of understanding about the right values, the best priorities, the total commitment of marriage. When you say "I do" you are saying "I no longer belong to myself - I belong to another."

(On listening to to Esiason's "speech" a second time, the thing that caught my attention was his comment about getting back to work because "you can send your kid to any college of your choice." Stunning! All about money. Messed up values.)

We are a sports obsessed culture. I'm a part of it. I enjoy watching sports and playing sports. I spend a lot of time around a pool deck officiating at swim meets. I was a collegiate athlete so I know what it takes to perform at that level. My son is a college athlete. All three of my kids played sports through high school. It can suck you in unless you build some inner braces by having something eternal to be your measure.

The hero is not the one who hits the most home runs. Rather he's the one builds a home for life, for whom the marriage vows are not multiple choice. Money isn't the answer. Some of the most miserable people I know are also the wealthiest.

Baseball will end. Athletic prowess will wain. It's the nature of being human. All the trophies, headlines, awards and records won't make up for the life-long love of another.

As Muriel McQuilkin's alzheimer's progressed, her husband, Robertson, President of Columbia Bible College (now Columbia International University) in South Carolina, resigned to care for her full-time. For 25 years he loved her in the midst of this horrible disease, the vast majority during which she no longer recognized him or reciprocated his love. In an interview back in 2004 he said: 

"Since I've tried to bring my choices under the authority of Scripture, I didn't have struggles about what to do. As I told the students when I resigned from school, this was one of the easiest decisions I ever made." (Christianity Today, February 2004, p. 64)

We all need something to help us straighten out our values. Money won't do it because it comes and goes. Relationships won't do it because people will disappoint us, bodies and minds will break down. We can't decide what to do based on what someone else does, or is no longer able to do. Anything that is temporary can't be the measurement by which we determine our actions.

I'm a Cincinnati Reds fan and I'll cheer for them no matter who they're playing, but when we're playing the Mets and Daniel Murphy comes to the plate, I may temporarily switch my loyalties and let out a little cheer.

Thanks Daniel for not caring about what others think. Thanks for making your wife and family your priority. You are richer than any multi-millionaire ballplayer or broadcaster. When careers are over and voices have been silenced, you will have what no amount of money or fame can buy - the love of a woman and memories that will carry you through the most difficult of days.

Behavior Makes a Difference

I've witnessed - and so have you - some of the most skilled teachers, some of the most gifted athletes, some of the most effective leaders - who have behaviors that short-circuit their careers. In fact, we all have behaviors that aren't helpful but only some decide to do something about it.

I recently watched a talented athlete lose it in the heat of the moment, revealing a character that could easily cut short a career. We read about such events in the news and the court dockets, from financial malfeasance to simple rude and selfish behavior, people implode with actions that stunt their growth.

Some of the most frequent include:

• An Inability to Learn from Criticism - while it's easier when offered in grace, there are lessons to be learned even from our harshest critics. Whether it's a performance review or an accountability group, we all need someone who will share truth with us

• Learning to Deal with Failure - often our identity is caught up in our performance, perhaps expecially for an athlete. Learning to step forward on failure rather than letting it define us is an essential skill for persevering as a leader, athlete or coach. 

• Not Listening to Others - people know when we're not listening. Learning about body language can be incredibly helpful but so are those simply listening techniques we've all heard (if we were listening).

• Faulty Perceptions - it's difficult, especially if you're the senior leader, to get honest feedback from your team. Learning ways to seek out the truth is essential to gaining a true perception of your leadership. We human beings are great at fooling ourselves, thinking we're better than we really are.

I've made all these mistakes, and more. No one can be forced to learn. I'm grateful for the coaches and teachers and pastors who sought to add value to my life. I'm disappointed that I didn't listen each time.

The key to change is a change in behavior. And we all have behaviors that we need to change. But how? Here are some things that have worked for me:

1. Recognize and accept that I have blindspots and need help. It's similar to the first step of AA - admitting we are powerless. Until I own that I don't have it all together, I'll never be open to learning new things. That's a painful reality but an essential step.

2. Engage with a coach or gather an accountability group. Changing behavior requires the help of others. Period. Executive coaches are experts in the behavior arena (and Sherpa Coaching is one of the best) and can lead a client to see weaknesses and offer tools for lasting behavior change. These relationships take account of behavior changes and the results. It's not about just thinking differently but behaving differently.

3. Reading. Leaders are learners and anyone who is not learning is no longer leading. Asking others what they are reading is helpful to making sure I expose myself to new thoughts instead of staying in my comfort zone.

We all have behaviors that are getting in our way. What are you doing about yours?

Things Every Leader Must Do

Caring for yourself is not a selfish thing to do but it is one of the most neglected duties of a leader. Sometimes it is referred to as "self-leadership." If someone can't lead themselves, how can he or she hope to lead others?

Throughout nearly 3 decades of learning and applying leadership, self-care has been the thing I may have done the best. I say that based on what friends, colleagues and accountability partners have said to me. I'm proud of that. The concept found it's way into my 50th Birthday axioms:

Take time for myself. Refresh. Renew. Recharge. Refocus. Regularly.

Here are the most valuable things I done over these years. It is these activities that make my leadership actions more effective and focused.

1. Read and learn. A leader is a learner. A leader is a reader. I read voraciously, pouring over a wide range of topics. I don't read just church leadership and theology books. I love history, particularly the colonial period, so my shelves are filled with historical fiction and non-fiction about the period. For the past 2 years I've begun reading articles and blog posts from Harvard Business Review (HBR). The point is my reading isn't just about leading a church but about leading both myself (with topics such as "how to not let e-mail waste my time") and people in general.

My books will not be worth much when I'm gone because I mark them up. I bracket sentences and paragraphs, sometimes adding a topical notation and then some wonderful volunteers type them into files. These become searchable notes for teaching, planning, sharing and continued learning.

Two apps are helping me read and learn these days. I really enjoy Flipboard on my iPad. It allows me to get the gist of an article to see if I want to capture the whole thing. The second is Evernote. I am an Evernote fanatic, having gone 95% paperless around my home and office. Evernote is not a toy but a great tool that has made me more organized and the information I deem important more accessible. These have helped me learn and grow even on the run.

2. Sabbath. It should seem to be a no-brainer that a Pastor would regularly practice a sabbath rest, so prominently put forth in the fourth commandment. It is not the case unless I plan for it. And I understand most every other job doesn't allow for it.

One of my final classes at Asbury Seminary was with my friend Dr. Steve Harper. We addressed the spiritual life of Pastors, a great class for those of us ready to launch out of the seminary nest and dive full-time into the world of the local church. One book helped prepare me for the priority of a sabbath - Working the Angles by Eugene Peterson. He encouraged sabbath as one of the key components of a healthy soul, a foundation for the work of ministry in the local church. I began to practice these "days away" immediately and I truly think they made ministry a long-term calling, saving me from the burnout that can so easily come.

Sabbath isn't about doing something in particular. I encouraged full-time staff to take one day a month as a Sabbath. There was no report on what was done. Doing something isn't the point. Some wanted to prescribe the "what" but that essentially destroys the practice. Sabbath is about honoring God and that can differ from month to month and person to person.

Sabbath for me has become about making sure my soul is full of God. Sometimes the most spiritual thing I could do was sleep. Other times it was spending special time with my wife. Some days have been spent along the Ohio River in Bicentennial Park with a Bible, some paper and a pen, but no agenda.

My practice has been: a day a month, 2-4 days twice a year. It's what's worked for me.

3. Vacation. A sabbath is not a vacation, even though I might turn off my cell phone and stay away from email on both. I made sure that I took vacation time, realizing that the office would take as much time as I'd give it. Memorable times included: 23 days out west pulling a pop-up camper, the northern route to the Pacific and back through the central U.S.; 14 days along the East Coast, sort of a Colonial theme; 18 days to Greece & Israel; 12 days on a 25th Anniversary cruise to Alaska; and those 12 years to Key Largo after Christmas with my father-in-law.

A combination of sabbath and vacation fueled my decision to take a 3-month Sabbatical in 2012. Privileged to receive a Lily Grant, I took off from Memorial Day to Labor Day. It remains today the most important decision I made to renew, refresh and retool: a marriage conference; some swim meets, including Olympic Trials; a trip to England & Scotland with the family; my son and I to Costa Rica for fishing and whitewater rafting; and I also programmed in time with an executive coach who could press me. While I unplugged from the day to day of the church world, I made sure I had someone who would challenge my assumptions and point out my blindspots. I worked on my marriage, made memories with family, furthered my officiating experience and grew as a leader. It was all well worth the effort.

Too many people are afraid to get away, fearful of what might happen while they're gone. I understand that more than you know. But your family and your ministry (whether full-time or as a local church servant) deserve it and will benefit from it. Even with everything that happened the months following my sabbatical, we've agreed we wouldn't change our choice.

4. Physical Health. I've always leaned toward the healthy side of living. Having been a competitive swimmer for 16 years, I know the value of exercise and how easy it is to get out of shape. It was extremely difficult if not impossible for some years as we had teenagers in the house. But I know that we make time for the things that are important.

When my dad died just shy of 75 years (about 7 years ago) I renewed my determination to stay healthy. I re-engaged a regimen of racquetball and swimming, and added P90X. While I'm not in the best shape of my life (that was as a college athlete), I am in the best shape of my life since then. This is the only body I get and I want it to be an asset not a detriment.

I want to serve Jesus to my last breath

I understand some things are not under my control but I'm doing whatever I can to make sure this body serves the Kingdom rather than allowing my body to limit my service to the Kingdom. I'm on medication for an out-of-balance cholesterol issue, but I'll still do everything I can to control it without the meds. I don't want to waste dollars on health care that can be cared for by some self-leadership on my part.

It's been said that exercise will add two years to your life - although you'll spend those two years exercising! I'll take it. The benefits of how I feel are well worth it. Exercise and healthy eating give me more energy and better focus to be a more attentive husband, better father, more consistent friend and more grateful servant of Jesus.

What are you doing to lead yourself? How could these four priorities work in your life? Anyone can just go through life. It takes self-leadership to go through life with intention and purpose.

4 Acts to Deal with High Maintenance People

There's the control freak and the backstabber, the gossip and the critic. Some relationships seem like an impenetrable fortress. But just like the Berlin Wall crumbled nearly 25 years ago, so there is hope for those intractable relationships that can drive us crazy.

A professor in Seminary called them crazy-makers. Christian psychologist and author, Les

Parrott wrote a book about them called High Maintenance Relationships. Many name them simply as difficult people. The Bible uses the term “fool” that seems to describe many of the same people.

Relationships are the school for building character, allowing us the chance to study in great detail and over time temperaments that are different from our own. (High Maintenance Relationships, Parrott, p. 7-8)

These are the people who can drain the life out of us. But the problem is this: somebody else calls us high maintenance or difficult. Often the things that irritate us the most do so because they remind us of ourselves.

1st - Look inside first

Da Vinci drawing - Queens
Gallery, London

Jesus' wisdom about dealing with high maintenance people is first about growing yourself. The starting point for growing and maintaining healthy relationships even with people who seem impossible is to ask the right questions and look inside first. We have to face the critic, wet blanket, steamroller, backstabber, sponge, competitor or chameleon in us.

Luke 6:41-42 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 42 How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.”

I have to face the fact that one of the reasons critical people irritate me the most is that I might be that critical person to others. Ouch! Jesus is clear – if it's healthy relationships you are seeking then look inside first.

2nd - Establish limits

2 Timothy 4:14-17 “Alexander the metalworker did me a great deal of harm. The Lord will repay him for what he has done. 15 You too should be on your guard against him, because he strongly opposed our message. 16 At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. 17 But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it."

Alexander was a difficult person in Paul's life and he warns others to set limits.

Here's the question I wrestle with in dealing with the Alexander's in my life: How much do I work toward a healthy relationship and when does the point come when I have to let it be and move on with God's greater purpose for my life? Here's where it gets sticky. Is the “greater purpose” of my life to befriend the difficult person? How many friends does that person have and is God calling me to be that friend?

Is it a waste of time to spend time with someone who is difficult? I don't think so. Not if I understand the Gospel of Jesus. There are also encounters of Jesus with people who rejected Him and He let them walk away. The rich young ruler was pompous and arrogant, wanting to look better than everyone else. But when Jesus told him the real barrier to finding real life was his possessions and that the young man should sell them and give the money to the poor, the man walked away. Jesus didn't follow him. And so I wrestle with it. Where do I spend my time and efforts?

3rd - Seek to understand
In the heat of a conflict, when the emotions are raw, this can be hard to do. Try to walk in the difficult person's shoes. The critic may have been raised to be a critic. When one is always criticized it's difficult to not become critical.

Three of us were meeting for a phone call. While two of us were waiting for the third to arrive we were listening to a voicemail that was on a parallel track to the next conversation. It was not essential but the two of us had some moments and listened. About half way through the voicemail, the third person walked in and his first words were: “Did you start without me?” I wanted my first thought to be: “That person must be having a difficult day?” But that was not my first thought. God's got a lot of room to improve my heart! Admittedly, I had known that person as one of my difficult people. Unfortunately his response didn't surprise me.

Seek to understand. Put the heart and needs of the other first. The problem with high maintenance relationships is that we become weary and weariness leads to things like short-tempers and assumptions. In the end there's no room for grace. 

That's why it's so important to spend time in God's Word every day and to spend time in conversation with the Lord. I can't do this on my own. Without God's help I don't put other first, I put me first.

4th - Guard your heart
High maintenance people can drag you down quickly by making you think about them, have conversations with them, become obsessed with figuring out ways to get along with them. You've got to guard your heart.

Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” 

Be careful what you allow to settle in your heart.

Proverbs 24:12 If you say, "But we knew nothing about this,"does not he who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not he who guards your life know it?Will he not repay each person according to what he has done?”

Leave retribution to the Lord. Guard your heart from thinking revenge or getting even. Nothing in scripture says get even. It always says that God will take care of those who live for Him.


I've found that if the thought of somebody keeps me up at night; if I wake up thinking about this person; if I begin talking to this person in the midst of praying for the person; if I'm that distracted then I've got a problem. My heart is being infected. Many high maintenance people spread a highly contagious virus. We can too easily become negative. Once infected with negativism it becomes a natural way of relating.

On one of my trips to Haiti I picked up several hearts carved from stone. I keep one on my desk to remind me that God softened this heart of stone and His call on my life is to work with hard-hearted people just like me. God is in the business of softening hard hearts and He invites us into partnership with Him. These four acts have helped me along the way with still a long way to go.