4 Acts to Deal with High Maintenance People

There's the control freak and the backstabber, the gossip and the critic. Some relationships seem like an impenetrable fortress. But just like the Berlin Wall crumbled nearly 25 years ago, so there is hope for those intractable relationships that can drive us crazy.

A professor in Seminary called them crazy-makers. Christian psychologist and author, Les

Parrott wrote a book about them called High Maintenance Relationships. Many name them simply as difficult people. The Bible uses the term “fool” that seems to describe many of the same people.

Relationships are the school for building character, allowing us the chance to study in great detail and over time temperaments that are different from our own. (High Maintenance Relationships, Parrott, p. 7-8)

These are the people who can drain the life out of us. But the problem is this: somebody else calls us high maintenance or difficult. Often the things that irritate us the most do so because they remind us of ourselves.

1st - Look inside first

Da Vinci drawing - Queens
Gallery, London

Jesus' wisdom about dealing with high maintenance people is first about growing yourself. The starting point for growing and maintaining healthy relationships even with people who seem impossible is to ask the right questions and look inside first. We have to face the critic, wet blanket, steamroller, backstabber, sponge, competitor or chameleon in us.

Luke 6:41-42 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 42 How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.”

I have to face the fact that one of the reasons critical people irritate me the most is that I might be that critical person to others. Ouch! Jesus is clear – if it's healthy relationships you are seeking then look inside first.

2nd - Establish limits

2 Timothy 4:14-17 “Alexander the metalworker did me a great deal of harm. The Lord will repay him for what he has done. 15 You too should be on your guard against him, because he strongly opposed our message. 16 At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. 17 But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it."

Alexander was a difficult person in Paul's life and he warns others to set limits.

Here's the question I wrestle with in dealing with the Alexander's in my life: How much do I work toward a healthy relationship and when does the point come when I have to let it be and move on with God's greater purpose for my life? Here's where it gets sticky. Is the “greater purpose” of my life to befriend the difficult person? How many friends does that person have and is God calling me to be that friend?

Is it a waste of time to spend time with someone who is difficult? I don't think so. Not if I understand the Gospel of Jesus. There are also encounters of Jesus with people who rejected Him and He let them walk away. The rich young ruler was pompous and arrogant, wanting to look better than everyone else. But when Jesus told him the real barrier to finding real life was his possessions and that the young man should sell them and give the money to the poor, the man walked away. Jesus didn't follow him. And so I wrestle with it. Where do I spend my time and efforts?

3rd - Seek to understand
In the heat of a conflict, when the emotions are raw, this can be hard to do. Try to walk in the difficult person's shoes. The critic may have been raised to be a critic. When one is always criticized it's difficult to not become critical.

Three of us were meeting for a phone call. While two of us were waiting for the third to arrive we were listening to a voicemail that was on a parallel track to the next conversation. It was not essential but the two of us had some moments and listened. About half way through the voicemail, the third person walked in and his first words were: “Did you start without me?” I wanted my first thought to be: “That person must be having a difficult day?” But that was not my first thought. God's got a lot of room to improve my heart! Admittedly, I had known that person as one of my difficult people. Unfortunately his response didn't surprise me.

Seek to understand. Put the heart and needs of the other first. The problem with high maintenance relationships is that we become weary and weariness leads to things like short-tempers and assumptions. In the end there's no room for grace. 

That's why it's so important to spend time in God's Word every day and to spend time in conversation with the Lord. I can't do this on my own. Without God's help I don't put other first, I put me first.

4th - Guard your heart
High maintenance people can drag you down quickly by making you think about them, have conversations with them, become obsessed with figuring out ways to get along with them. You've got to guard your heart.

Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” 

Be careful what you allow to settle in your heart.

Proverbs 24:12 If you say, "But we knew nothing about this,"does not he who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not he who guards your life know it?Will he not repay each person according to what he has done?”

Leave retribution to the Lord. Guard your heart from thinking revenge or getting even. Nothing in scripture says get even. It always says that God will take care of those who live for Him.


I've found that if the thought of somebody keeps me up at night; if I wake up thinking about this person; if I begin talking to this person in the midst of praying for the person; if I'm that distracted then I've got a problem. My heart is being infected. Many high maintenance people spread a highly contagious virus. We can too easily become negative. Once infected with negativism it becomes a natural way of relating.

On one of my trips to Haiti I picked up several hearts carved from stone. I keep one on my desk to remind me that God softened this heart of stone and His call on my life is to work with hard-hearted people just like me. God is in the business of softening hard hearts and He invites us into partnership with Him. These four acts have helped me along the way with still a long way to go.