Dealing with Difficult People

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." - Romans 12:18

Everyone has someone with whom they don't get along - don't see eye to eye. Everyone has someone they consider a "difficult person." And everyone IS someone else's "difficult person."

Some we see often. Others infrequently. It doesn't matter to the feelings we feel, the anxiety that can push up from our gut.

During my summer sabbatical I learned a lot about boundaries - why they are good, what they look like and how to establish them. (Accountability & Boundaries, Performance Oriented Workers, Rules to Avoid Misery). I learned that I haven't had great boundaries in some areas of life. I have what I consider excellent moral boundaries (such as, no private meetings with a woman not my wife). My financial boundaries are pretty good (such as, commitment to tithing and saving). My leadership boundaries and those dealing with delegation to staff and servants have not been as good as they can be.

God is now pushing about boundaries dealing with difficult people. It's a question of what I own, what the other person owns and what God owns. The transformation process is a cooperative process between us and God. There is a role for people to play but there is also a role that God plays. We can't be God and God won't do what He asks us to do.

I define a difficult person as someone with whom you have a sight problem - you don't see eye to eye and nothing either of you can say will help bring clarity. It might be that they handled a situation in a way you didn't appreciate (or vice versa) and they just can't let it go. There may have been a disagreement and it just can't seem to get resolved.

I'm learning some steps. These may change as I mature and learn more but for now it's where I am. I'm trying to live them out.

1. Remember I am someone else's difficult person. The struggle I have with a particular individual, someone else struggles in the same way with me. It's humbling but keeps me focused.

2. Own what is mine. I can only be responsible for the choices I made. My actions are the only thing I can own. These are the things I can repent from, ask forgiveness for and seek to make amends.

3. Don't own what is not mine. I'm not good at this. There are some things that I must refuse to pick up and own. These include: another person's choices, actions and responses. I cannot change an attitude. I tend to want to fix things but I can only fix me.

4. Pray. The Holy Spirit can change a heart, not me. That's God's job.

5. Tell the truth. It goes with the owning thing. It's the truth that brings things into the light. Sometimes in a difficult relationship the truth is not accepted. Sometimes we think it's the truth but the difficult person's constant pressing helps us see it's really not complete. Tell the truth even when it hurts.

These have been helpful to me. But difficult people still bother me. I want to be liked. I want to be able to fix things, including relationships. I'm learning to set up boundaries that teach me sometimes it's time to move on.