Growing A Strong Marriage

Today I continued to purge some files and notebooks, scanning some into Evernote (I love that app), throwing many things away (it's amazing what one can collect and forget), and reading through others. Stephanie and I have led multiple Marriage Weekends over the years. In 1997, we led a Weekend with some awesome couples who all wanted to grow in their marriages. We stay in touch with many of them to this day. It was inspiring to see the list of participants - Aaron & Shannon, Greg & Karin, Dean & Erma, Gregg & Martha, Roger & Deena, Craig & Rose, John & Marla, Rick & Michelle, Jim & Kathy and one other couple who is no longer together.

I can clearly remember some of the teaching time, the fellowship and the worship. I am grateful for people like this - and so many more down through the years - who love the Lord and make marriage the priority relationship in their lives.

Growing a strong marriage takes time and effort, something that can be in short supply during those parenting years. I think the teen years were the most difficult. Other unexpected speed bumps and detours aren't helpful: illness, lay off, moves and transfers.

The most important thing we do is plan. Without planning to make your marriage a priority, life will help it not be. Life simply gets in the way - from parenting to work stress to plain busyness. Through the years we have made time to plan dates and times away for just the two of us.

We plan three things...

First, date time. It's important to plan time for a date each week. We got away from this during some years of parenting early teens but more recently established a Wednesday lunch date. Lunch is cheaper than dinner, fits better with our schedules and is at a time we're not really tired. No matter what you do, plan a date each week whether it's a movie at home, a meal out, or even a workout time together. Before my summer sabbatical my staff knew where I was headed at 11:45 on Wednesday. It was sacred space.

Second, Retreats & Conferences. The best preparation for marriage we had was a Family Life Weekend to Remember 5 months before the wedding - and then 7 months later we attended again. We've been to 7 over the years. It is well worth the investment of time and money.

In early marriage, when we couldn't afford to attend a Conference (in the years before Pastor's registered for free) we would rent some videos and use them to initiate some discussion. Sometimes we stayed at home when we couldn't afford the hotel.

Glen Eyrie - Marriage Get A Way

Part of my sabbatical this year was time for just me and Stephanie - in secluded northern California and a Marriage Get A Way at Glen Eyrie in Colorado Springs. These were really important times in my own renewal plan. The added benefit of a Conference setting is learning from other couples along the way.

Third, vacations and time away. Some parents refuse to leave their children home without them until a certain age or ever. We definitely disagree. We've driven away to a dinner date with our oldest screaming her fool head off, only to be told 3 minutes later she was fine. We've taken vacations for anniversaries. We believe one of the greatest gifts we can give to our children is a strong and happy marriage. It is THE most important human relationship we have. We've made sure our children saw that.

Reading together, praying together, sitting together not saying a word (we did lots of that on our California trip) can enhance a marriage. When we led marriage retreats we grew our own marriage, sharing both what we were learning and serving with our gifts. Stephanie has the gift of hospitality and my main gift is teaching. 

Life will help a husband and wife avoid the conversations that can help their relationship grow. Busyness, stress, exhaustion (and that's just from parenting!) will get in the way of those important times of connection, from verbal to physical communication.

And just in case you might be tempted to think that we know it all or think we have the perfect marriage......by no means. We have a strong marriage but it's far from perfect. But we've been through our fair share of ups and downs and survived for over 26 years. So far so good.