Keeping Relationships Healthy

People. The greatest influence on us, the greatest contributor to our success and the greatest stressor we can know. People.

Some people start their own business because they're tired of office conflicts, but they still have to relate to people. Some people get out of marriages because of the ongoing conflict. We can't get away from relationships. Is there a way to keep them healthy?

In my reflection on recently reaching the half-century mark, I wrote this principle about growing healthy relationships:

Give the benefit of the doubt

As a USA Swimming official our mantra at a meet is "the swimmers always gets the benefit of the doubt." Our training is that if we have to think about what we saw, if we don't raise a hand immediately, if we aren't completely certain about what we saw, then we can't make the disqualification recommendation. If I raise my hand but then think about it and wonder, it's better to put my hand down than go forward.

Here's how it works in relationships.

The first and most important key to healthy relationships is to look first at myself. Is there something going on in my life, inside of me, that is acting as a filter to possibly misinterpret words or actions?

We're driving to a dinner date and my wife innocently and gently says: "You turn here but remember to get in the left lane." A few moments later, "It's probably better to turn here than go up another block." As we get closer to the restaurant my blood is getting warmer. "Make sure to park around that way." OK, I've about had it. Does she think I don't know what I'm doing? Would she like to drive or does she enjoy driving from the passenger seat? Is she suggesting I don't know where I'm going, that I don't take her out often enough?

All these thoughts and more can easily begin to take over and I'm no longer in a good mood.

I've learned to ask a different question - even if it's later and not in the heat of the moment:

What is so sensitive in me that it hurts when
those words push on it?

So often we like to say: "Why does she do that to me?" That will only lead to isolation, dividing us whereas looking inward will bring healing and draw us together.  

It's easy on a pool deck to give the benefit of the doubt. It's not emotional. It's either right or wrong. If I'm not sure, I don't recommend a disqualification. In relationships there is so much emotion.

To temper my temper - or emotions - it is helpful to recite 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 with a twist. Instead of "love is patient and kind….." I say: "This action - these words - are patient and kind?" Are they? Am I? In the heat of the moment, it's not easy, but through practice I've learned to ask forgiveness, ask for help interpreting my emotion and mature in a way that adds value to relationships.

Making a Marriage Better

Doing some reflecting as my 50th approached, I identified multiple truths - 50 of them to be exact - I've learned and sought to apply in my life. One of the most important is this:

The love and commitment of a good woman is worth more

than anything I could ever possess.

I've lived for 50 years and been married more than half of it (27 years in 2014). One time Stephanie and I were talking with another couple and they asked: "How long have you been married?" I responded, "20 wonderful years." A look of confusion came across Stephanie's face. "It's been 22 years, dear." "Yes," I said, "but 20 wonderful ones!" Suddenly the backside of a hand whacked me across the stomach. We laughed….and I've never said it again!

Not every year of marriage is as good as the others. It doesn't mean I'd trade any of them, for the diffiult years make the marriage what it becomes in the future.

I've read plenty of books on marriage - attended multiple marriage conferences - counseled couples in trouble - celebrated weddings with couples - and learned only that I have so much still to learn. One thing I do know is that our commitment to our marriage is the most important commitment (besides our one to Jesus) that we could make and keep.

A good marriage can be used by God to shape us. It's one of His best tools for growing the fruit of the Spirit in us. Afterall, what marriage is good without love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control? (Galatians 5:22-23)

If I understand Ephesians 5 correctly, marriage is one of God's greatest tools to demonstrate to the world the depth and breadth and patience of His love for us. So making a marriage better matters a lot.

I think our marriage is good. It's not perfect but it is good. There is however one thing we have done that has had a great impact our marriage. Arguably it's the greatest return on investment in this essential relationship.

We've spent time and money on our marriage. 

Marriage Focused Time - Life will help you avoid the important discussions and connections that make a marriage good. We chose to make time to attend conferences like Family Life and Marriage Encounter. In 2012 I took a 3 month sabbatical and one trip was a marriage weekend with the Navigators at Glen Eyrie. When we were young and had little money, we rented DVD's (ok, they were actually VHS tapes) and watched some marriage teachings at home, using them as discussion starters.

Glen Eyrie Weekend Getaway

The time and money we spent on those conferences were well worth it. They forced us to talk about important things that life was helping us forget. We've never regretted investing the time and spending the dollars to grow our marriage.

The time is intentional, focused on the relationships, allowing others to challenge us through their teaching and example and questions. One time we went to a Christian Counselor for a "tune-up." There was nothing wrong that we could identify but we knew the relationship could be better. It took someone from the outside to help us see inside.

Whether it's a walk in the park, a lunch date (because lunches are cheaper than dinners) or a trip to the grocery, time away from the kids is essential.

Galcier Bay, Alaska - 25th Anniversary Cruise

Vacations - So many in the U.S. don't take all their available vacation days. We make sure we take as many as possible. One goal we've had is every 5th anniversary is a "big" trip, usually a cruise. What about the kids, you ask? We leave them for those days, and other days. The priority of our marriage is one of the greatest gifts we've given to our children. When they were young and we had a date night, they sought to manipulate us with crying and complaining. Checking with the babysitter later, they were fine after 3 minutes.

Taking time away for the two of us was vital to prepare for the season of life we've just entered - the empty nest. We love it. We miss our kids but we love it being just us again. The important thing is that we still like each other! A big part of that is we took the time and spent the money to create memories together.

It goes without saying that we also took some really fun family vacations too! We traveled with a pop-up camper, and fixed much of our own food to make them affordable.

Individual Hobbies - While we love each other, our relationship together doesn't cancel out our individual strengths and passions. Stephanie loves to quilt and is energized by that time. She needs that outlet for her God-given creativity. I, on the other hand, am competitive to the core so she supports my time at the Y as well as officiating for USA Swimming around the country.

We've tried to make sure we're not gone more than a couple of nights each week, but give room and support for those longer trips be they to North Carolina and a folk art school (guess who did that one) or a swim meet in Russia.

Peter I Summer Garden - St. Petersburg, Russia

Marriage is like a garden. It will produce beautiful flowers but only with intention and attention. Without it, weeds will grow and a few individual splashes of color may occur, but there will be no bigger picture creating a pattern that can inspire the world.

How to Guard Your Heart

The doorbell rang and two young men presented an opportunity for shoveling the snow from my front walk and driveway. I declined, knowing more snow was coming and it's good exercise to boot. Then one of them said: "By the way, sir, your keys are in the door."

O My Goodness!

I quickly realized they'd been there all night, since taking our dog, Scamp, for a walk in the warmer 40 degree sunshine on the previous day. I had unlocked the door, let the dog in and proceeded to take in some packages left at the front door. I closed the door, locked it and left the keys hanging in the lock outside.

I'm a bit mortified and disappointed in myself that I put my family at some risk. I left the keys to our house available for someone else to use in gaining access.

It got me thinking about the ways we leave our hearts vulnerable, giving the keys to our soul to those who would endanger our relationship with Jesus.

1. Not taking sin seriously. Pride, envy, anger, sloth, greed, lust & gluttony are the 7 deadly sins. These are the most frequently identifiable pathways to destruction. When we refuse to deal with sin in our lives, we are leaving the keys to our hearts available to the Enemy. No matter how much we learn about the Lord, as long as this pathway is available, our growth will be short-circuited.

I remember someone saying to me: "You can't get away with sin. You might think you are for a moment, but in the end there will be a price to pay."

When I wink at sin I will eventually suffer. It's one reason I've instituted some guardrails in my life, especially around relationships with persons of the female gender.

2. Not learning from criticism. In a recent Executive Coaching survey produced by Sherpa Coaching, the term "self-awareness" saw the greatest increase in response to a question about the benefits of coaching.

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. 

Who can understand it? - Jeremiah 17:9

Our hearts have a unique ability to give us a false reflection of ourselves. There is no way I can hope to uncover all of my short-comings and weaknesses. When I refuse to listen to and learn from criticism, I am handing over the keys to my heart, allowing deception to reside where clarity and wisdom are needed.

Closing myself off because the criticism is not legitimate or delivered with anger and spite, is just another way I leave the keys in the door.

3. Not serving the poor. When I only spend time with people like me I get a false impression of who I am. When I spend time serving the poor I find myself more vulnerable and open to growth through the exposure of chinks in my armor.

Refusing to spend time serving the poor leads directly to pride. It also cuts me off from the heart of the Gospel. The heart of God is with the poor and I theorize that getting close to the poor means getting closer to the heart of God. I hand over the keys to my heart when I close it off to the poor that God calls me to serve.

4. Not embracing my uniqueness. When I begin to compare myself to others I begin to walk away from guarding the door of my heart. When I look at the material lives of others, the size church of other pastors or for me how fast someone is swimming in the pool (always being sure to figure in the age algorithm!), it is then that I can walk away, off the path and leave my life more open to attack.

God created me uniquely, different from anyone else - and thank goodness for that! Just as I have a fingerprint that is like no one else's, so the impact of my life is different from anyone else's. God does not want to know how well I imitated someone else but how well I used the gifts He gave to me.

I could not believe I left those keys in the door. Since moving into our new home 7 months ago, I've talked with my wife about safety with our walkout lower level. Guarding relationships has always been a primary theme for me as a husband, parent and pastor.

How do you guard your heart?

Where have you left the keys in the lock?

How to Deal with Conflict in Relationships

Everyone has conflict in some relationships in life, at least if my blog posts are any indication. A search for blog posts about conflict displays some of the top posts, including: Dealing with Difficult People - How to Deal with Conflict.

What do we do with people in our lives? My executive coach once asked me: "What's your greatest stressor at work?" I responded immediately: "People!"

In the world of the Church there is conflict because the Church is full of people….sinful people….flawed people…..human beings. That could be said of every place - every business - because every business deals with people. Conflict surrounds us because we're surrounded by people.

What I know is that conflict won't just go away. It can't be ignored if I want to get through it. I'm not suggesting I've been able to apply these principles and axioms perfectly, but I do know they work.

1. I deserve what I tolerate. This made my top 50 thoughts, axioms, pieces of wisdom and leadership principles I posted for my 50th birthday just a few days ago. It doesn't mean that all conflict will go away. It also doesn't mean that if there is conflict, I must conclude that I deserve it. It does mean that if I don't walk into the fog of the conflict that I do deserve the resulting infection.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you,

live at peace with everyone.

Romans 12:8

Some relationships will simply be conflicted because of personalities, values or a host of other issues. But when I refuse to walk into the conflict, not with harshness or an "I'm right" attitude, but with grace, then I deserve what I get from that relationship.

When we refuse to walk in, it will only get worse.

2. Own what is mine. Jesus had a marvelous insight into conflicted relationships:

In Luke 6:42, He counsels: How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? you hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Before walking into that fog, it's best to ask and answer this question: "What do I own in this conflict?"

I've had my share of conflicts with staff, church members and acquaintances. One memorable one confronted me with a list of complaints. In a conversation with my supervisors they asked what complaints I had, trying to sort it out. My response was: "Let me share with you the 3 things that I have done which have contributed to the conflict."

Conflict will only be dealt with by looking inward first. We always have things to own because not only does each of us have a difficult person, we ARE a difficult person to someone else.

3. Know when to walk away. Unfortunately, not everyone wants to figure out a way forward in relationships and sometimes you have to walk away. I'm a "fix-it" guy and this pains me greatly. For me it's more about ego - that I have to admit I can't "fix-it."

It's the old adage: "You'll never please everyone, only some people some of the time."

I had someone say to me: "We'll never understand each other because you're an athlete and I'm not, you're from the city and I'm not…." And he left the church.

A friend counseled me about a conflicted relationships: "The two of you will probably never see eye to eye." She was right. Time to move on.

What do you recommend when dealing with conflict in relationships? What's worked for you? What do you struggle with the most?

50 Shades of Black & White

50 is a moving target in life. In my teens it was really old. It was still old in my 20's. Getting into my late 30's and it seemed like I switched which end of the binoculars I was using. 50 was half-way. In my 40's, 50 was young. It's even younger today!  I don't feel 50.

After a half-century of walking (for the most time) upon this earth, I've taken some time to reflect. What are the lessons learned? Have I lived, so far, the way I wanted to? When things didn't go the way I planned, what happened? Can I spot the hand of God at work, in my past, in places I didn't see at the time and what does that mean moving forward? Turning 50 is a great time to reflect. My list has recent lessons and life-long ones alongside each other. I hope that is always the way it is.

Life has become more black and white for me. Wrong is wrong. Right is right. Truth is always best. There are standards and morals woven into the fabric of our universe. The common thread through it all is grace. The grace I've experienced from God is what He expects me to pass on to others, including myself.

I’ve made plenty of mistakes, from which I’ve learned some of my greatest lessons. I’ve had plenty of success, from which I’ve learned almost as much. As far as leadership, the greatest lesson is to not take things personally. When I make a mistake it doesn’t mean I am a mistake. When I fail, it doesn’t mean I am a failure. Quit Taking It Personally (Q-TIP) is a transformative lesson to relationships in every area of life – home, business and with myself. It’s a key component of self-leadership.

My life lessons are full of the things people have said to me from their observations of my life. I've been encouraged and challenged and honored to receive some enormous compliments, the greatest of which is "Thank you."

This list contains only a few of my lessons. I know there is much more to learn but for the moment here is what I would consider 50 important lessons and learnings, without commentary.

They are not in any particular order, except the first two. They're really important. I would not be who I am nor have accomplished what I have without  Jesus' work in my heart the love and support of my wife.

It's been a good ride so far. I wonder what the next years will hold?

1. Following Jesus is completely worthwhile.
2. The love & commitment of a good woman is worth more than anything I could ever possess.
3. Pray constantly.
4. I deserve what I tolerate.
5. The truth will always win in the end so I might as well start with it.
6. Give the benefit of the doubt
7. Forgive quickly.
8. Be careful with whom I spend time. I will tend to become like them. 
9. Learn from the past, look forward to the future but live in the here and now.
10. Some of the greatest lessons in life are learned in the most difficult and painful of times. How I wish it wasn't so.
11. Figure out when I am at my best – when my life is full. Fill up with those things regularly.
12. People are valuable and worth my time.
13. Relationships are the stuff of life. Pursue them relentlessly. We were not created to go through life by ourselves.
14. Take time for myself. Refresh. Renew. Recharge. Refocus. Regularly.
15. Give trust up front. Take it away when it is betrayed.
16. Read.
    
17. Unplug.
18. My greatest life regrets will be from what I didn’t do more than what I did do in life.
19. The unexamined life is not worth living. Be accountable to some others for the way I live.
20. Learn to listen. The people in my life are worth my time and attention.
21. Take time to find out. Don't guess and therefore gossip.
22. Learn to ask great questions.
23. Don't try to fill every silent space.
24. Exercise.
25. Live more simply so others might simply live.
26. Be willing to say yes and just as willing to say no.
27. Take vacations.
28. Schedule important things or life will help me avoid them. 
29. Purge. Downsize.
30. Establish and keep good boundaries. Don't own what is not mine to own. 
31. I don’t have to change everything to change everything.
32. Do what I know how to do. Don’t worry about what I don’t know how to do.
33. Beware of first impressions. They're not always right.
34. Don’t be defensive. Defensiveness will only serve to prevent growth.
35. Find a hobby and pursue it with passion.
36. Love is spelled T-I-M-E.
37. Learn to say “Thank you."
    
38. Get a coach. I can’t discover all my blind spots on my own.
39. I'm not supposed to be able to figure it all out on my own.
40. Bigger is not always better.
41. Some people really are out to get me.
42. Learn whom I am accountable to and what I am accountable for in life and work.
43. Communicate clear expectations for those I lead.
44. Learn to end things….and end them well.
45. Q-TIP…..quit taking things personally.
46. Use failure as a stepping-stone for moving forward.
47. Live humbly.
48. Don’t compare myself with others.
49. Smile
50. Every start has a lesson. Learn the lesson - Forget the start. (from swim officiating)

Thanks to the many of you who have traveled with me on portions of my life. You have made my life richer. I pray I have made yours richer as well.

I don't know if it's down hill from here, or it's just a chance to gain momentum for the next stage of this great journey called life. I'm ready for the thrill, the ups and downs, the stomach-churning drops and loops. It's the second half. Time to get living.

Making the Most of a New Year

There is much to worry us at the beginning of the new year: bombings in Russia ahead of the Sochi Olympics; health insurance questions; what will the economy do? It's a new year but the same questions remain.

It's a new year: it's that time when the Y will be packed with people - for about 3 weeks. I can put up with it for that long and then get back to having a lane to swim in and weights to lift without waiting. Just because a calendar page turns doesn't mean anything is new.


We all know that New Year's resolutions don't work. I've made them - you've made them. And we've all blown them.

If only it were as simple as flipping the page - or getting a new calendar. Wipe the slate clean and start from scratch. The problem is, we take ourselves into the new year. That's why shifting furniture, moving to a new job, making any kind of change often turns out to be the same. We're still there! We're still there with all our habits and hang-ups, with our blindspots and inconsistencies.

I've found some tools over the past couple of years that have helped me make the most of a new year rather than settling into old routines that didn't work before and won't work in a new year. We all know the definition of insanity:

Doing the same thing but hoping for a different result

How do you make 2014 different than other New Year's? You may find some of these helpful like I have:

1) Ask & Answer Questions. I follow a guy named Michael Hyatt. A few years ago he shared some questions to ask for the new year. I have found them helpful and then added a couple. I shared them recently at a dinner with friends and we had a great time with the first one: "If the last year of your life was a movie, what would the genre be?"

We quickly got off the "genre" and onto actual movies! "The Temple of Doom" - scary adventure with a good ending. I might have to add that twist to my list.

I added these questions for my own life, making a total of 10:

• What leadership lessons did you learn in the past year?
• What rhythms will you keep in the next year that were helpful during the last year?
• What 2-4 things would you add to the next year and why do you think they will be helpful? Perhaps stated in the form of goals.

The point is not so much what questions you ask but do you ask questions that help you reflect and gain perspective? The principle I've learned for leveraging the new year: ask and answer some questions about my life and experiences and what I want in a new year.

2) Get a Coach. This past year I did something out of the box and insanely helpful. For my continuing education, I went through the training for an Executive Coach with Sherpa Coaching.
What I learned about myself was more impactful than the skills and strategies for coaching others. It made me a better leader, a better person, a better follow of Jesus.

Interestingly, the key to being a great coach is learning to ask great questions. Considering my first point, it may have fit more than I realized at the time.

There is great value in having someone who will help you get through what is tapping out your leadership abilities. This isn't about life coaching. Executive coaching is about getting rid of the business behaviors that keep holding you back. Home and personal life will benefit as well, but the focus is what's holding you back. We all need someone else to peer into our lives, underneath the outer shell, and help us break free.

The principle: deliberately engage with someone who will challenge your assumptions and give you the tools to climb the next mountain.

I have some guys in my life who help make sure I don't live a sloppy life. But the coaching piece takes it to a new level for a few months that gives life-long impact.

3) Subtract or stop something. I have found that a new year is a great time to jettison something that I don't want, that is holding me back from my goals. It might be a grudge or some unforgiveness. It might be a habit, even a relationship.

2013 brought some significant changes to my life, one of which hit the bank account. Taking a significant pay cut meant finding some ways to make up dollars. So I made a spreadsheet with the starting figure the amount we would be missing through the end of 2014. I'm proud to say we're making incredible progress thanks to the Lord's blessing.

But what I've found is that the presence of the spreadsheet keeps me emotionally anchored in the events of the past. I don't want that going into the new year. So I'm deleting it.

The principle: you don't have to change everything to change everything. Think systemically. Changing one thing in your life will automatically shift most other things.

Don't take everything with you into the new year. Gid rid of something. Don't try to make a list of all the things you think you want to get rid of because you won't get rid of anything. Target one thing.

4) Add something. A consistent encouragement I offer to people is go on a mission trip. Over 26 years, the evidence says that taking 1 or 2 weeks to enter into another culture has the potential to change a person's life forever. Adding something radically different than you've done before gives you new eyes to see life. It just might give you a new heart as well.

Choose something - a routine - a habit - challenge yourself. But first ask this question: What do I want to be different at the end of this new year? Choose something that will help you get there.

The principle: adding the right thing, just one thing, can set your life on a new trajectory. Draw yourself out of your comfort zone, like a mission trip.

What will be different in your life at the end of 2014? The choices you make today will help determine what it is. If you do nothing, then nothing will change.

Have a safe and happy New Year!

Betrayal of Christmas

Candles and presents, shopping and lights, trees and food. Family, vacations, breaks from school and work all comprise the Christmas season....o, and, of course, Jesus too.

He's almost an afterthought in our consumeristic world. But He is more of a thought at this time than any other during a year. People do think of Jesus, if only a passing thought. It's why it's the best time to make a connection with those who have made it through another year without the influence of Jesus in their daily lives. I've encourged the Church I lead - The Park Church - to invite and actually bring their friends and relatives and co-workers to worship on the 23rd and 24th. To do anything else would be a betrayal of Christmas.

In the past few days, I've been encouraged and challenged by a most unlikely gathering of people. Their lives would possibly never connect except in "the cloud" and in this heart and mind from what I read. Together they've helped me think more deeply and see more clearly.

************

Pope Francis has intrigued and challenged much of the world with his fresh simplicity and heart for the poor. In responding recently to a headline grabbing critic, he said concerning the bad side of capitalism:

The promise was that when the glass was full, it would overflow, benefiting the poor. But what happens instead, is that when the glass is full, it magically gets bigger nothing ever comes out for the poor.

Our lives were meant to overflow, not simply increase in the capacity to hold - hoard - hang onto. It's a betrayal of our Creator when we enlarge ourselves, making us impotent to transform the world.

************

John Bogle helped me traverse the financial needs of college and early marriage. We've never met, nor do I expect to, but due to my father's good guess (oops, savvy investment prowess), The Vanguard Group, founded by Bogle, would be a important part of my life. In a recent article out of Harvard Business Review, the author commented on Bogle's ability to make even what is intended to be about him, to be about others. It was not a surprise. That's been the way he's scaled the ladder of greatness. 

When others on Wall Street we're enthralled only with making themselves richer, Bogle got rich (but not to the same degree he could have) by putting the consumer first. Without going into the whole story which you can read here (HBR Blog), Bogle's moves actually created an inability to amass enormous wealth on the scale of most financial execs on Wall Street, due in major part to concentrating on the mass of normal, everyday investors. It's made him a legend of enormous influence. He made it not about himself.

*************

I finished a book on a recent trip, The GO Point, by Michael Useem. He gathered together 50 decison making templates, or axioms/principles, for better decisions. In the sixth chapter, Transcending Personal Profit, he writes:

Nor do American values, especially business culture, actively promote self-sacrifice in the interest of the common good. Yet no capacity is more essential for attaining the right go point. (183).

He goes through some of the glaring historical opposites like Enron and Tyco. In essence, the leader who doesn't have the interests of the customer first, has betrayed what he or she was supposed to do. In other words, "it's not about you."

*************

In this soup for the soul I found myself drifting toward thoughts of Christmas. When we seek to gain all we can no matter what the impact, we are betraying the heart of the One who created us. He is a giving God first and foremost. I've never felt put in second place. Christmas is a celebration of His self-sacrifice (a thought often reserved for Easter) to become like us so that we might be with Him. When we put self-serving above self-sacrifice, we're in the same seat as Herod who wanted nothing else than to hold onto power, threatened by the baby born King.

I wonder. Do we perpetuate a self-serving Christmas when we have our children make gift lists, as if that has become the first thought of the season? Do our modern Christmas celebrations take us down a path Jesus wouldn't travel? I fear we become unknowing participants in a conspiracy perpetuated each Advent season to stuff our trees and our stomachs, effectively enlarging the glass that was intended to hold only so much so that it could overflow to the poor.

Live more simply so others might simply live. It's the theme we're trying to live in my home. It's the focus we're bringing to our community through our Church. It's one way to make sure our lives overflow rather than simply allowing the glass grow. Send me a note if you'd like to learn more. Together we can change our world - one life at a time.