How to Deal with Conflict

I've been thinking a lot about conflict since that is our final (on February 3rd) part in our Relationship Toolbox series. Conflict happens in all our lives. One friend enjoys going to Applebee's and the other prefers Chipotle. Now, that's not a life-altering conflict but it is one. Sometimes we're too nice to one another and so eat at Applebee's and never say we don't like it. One couple I know found out a year later that they both preferred Chipotle but neither wanted "to be mean" about it!

Conflict happens whenever there is even a small group of human beings in the same space. Some people think working in a church must surely be the ideal setting. But in the church too we find conflict because human beings work there. And there's conflict when there's just 1 - we are often conflicted about a choice to make in life.

In marriage the three biggest areas of conflict are: Money, Sex & In-Laws/Family in that order. Honestly, I think those are the three biggest conflict areas for anyone, married or not.

A good friend of mine, Dan, has a phrase: "Stay in the room." When there is conflict be sure that you don't lose connection. The only bad conflict is when it leads to a lack of connection. If there's no communication, if there's not honesty, if there's not an effort to maintain the relationship connection, then conflict is bad.

There is a lot of conflict in the Bible. A notable incident is recorded in Acts 15. Paul and Barnabas had just completed a successful missionary journey planting and strengthening churches. In Jerusalem, after the church leaders worked their way through a conflict, it's Paul and Baranabas that get into such a sharp disagreement that they part ways. They disagreed on whom whether or not to take a young disciple, John Mark, on their second journey, after he abandoned Paul and Barnabas on the first journey.

Christians sometimes think that all conflict is bad, that all separations are evil, that something must be wrong. That's simply not true. It's the way conflict is handled that matters most.


I'm certainly no expert, having made my share of mistakes in handling conflict. Sometimes I wait too long and other times I charge in too quickly. But there are some good guidelines for handing conflict that I have found helpful over the years.

1. Live by Romans 12:18 - "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." I love the acknowledgment of truth - the possibility that we won't live at peace with all people. My job is to own what I can own, while making sure I don't own what is someone else's to own.

In conflict, God says the responsibility is with me to make the approach. It doesn't mean walk right in. Sometimes the right move is to give space.  Sometimes the right move is an offer to talk. Timing certainly does matter.

My wife needs space to think. I like to talk things through. We've had conflict about the way we approach conflict!


2. Don't take it personally - unless it is. This is a growing edge for me that I wrote about this summer (Q-TIP, Endings & Beginnings, A Passion for Truth, Ego: Friend or Foe, Regular Renewal for Growth) and continue to learn to apply it. Sometimes the conflict IS personal - when it's something you can't change like the pitch of your voice that annoys. You can't change that but you can be aware of it.

Some conflicts are made personal by the nature of the attacks but maturity and grace accepts truth wherever it can find it, and is appreciative of the opportunity to grow.

3. The relationship is the goal. This goes right in line with #2 but takes it a step further. Not only don't take it personally but make sure the relationship remains your primary concern. Another way to say it is that the goal is not to win. If the goal becomes "getting your way" or "winning" then most likely the relationship will suffer.

In marriage this means asking a question like this: "Am I loving my wife in a sacrificial way, in the way that Christ loves the Church?" - "Am I honoring my husband in the way God desires me to?"

Conflicts are going to happen. What will you do with them?

A Relationship Toolbox - Conflict

The number one indicator of relationship health in marriage is how a couple handles conflict. That's what the research says.

Last weekend at Cornerstone Church we completed our Relationship Toolbox with this addition of handling conflict well. The five tools - forgiveness, choices, sex, money & conflict - are the essential building blocks of healthy, God-honoring relationships. Get these wrong and relationships will implode (or explode). Get them right and they provide the atmosphere, soil and fertilizer for growing a great relationship.

I don't always handle conflict well. I tend to be one of those that fights - versus flees. If there is need for a discussion due to a disagreement, I'll walk across the hall or set up a meeting to discuss it. I won't talk with someone else about it. But there are times when it just doesn't matter. A peace-maker will avoid conflict. Neither is the best approach. Running to conflict and running from conflict are both problematic. There is a happy medium to be found. Here's some of how I find that place:

1. Conflict is not bad. Many Christ-followers have this idea that harmony and peace are the highest goals of God's Kingdom. The Bible doesn't support that. Just read Acts 15 and we find two conflicts, one of which was so severe that it divided the world's first missionary team, Paul and Barnabas. God used the conflict to double the number of missionary teams and so the Gospel won and that's what mattered most.

The presence of conflict doesn't mean Jesus has left the relationship. When more than one human being is present, there are going to be disagreements and conflicts. Most are easily worked through, like the personal preference ones (paint colors, music, food, etc....). Some are more serious, which leads to the second thing.

2. Focus on the relationship. When the conflict is bigger than a personal preference it can easily escalate. As soon as I focus on myself, I lose sight of the bigger prize - the relationship itself. In marriage, if my wife loses, I lose because WE lost. Being in relationship with someone, whether in the strong covenant of marriage or the bond of friendship, means we are choosing to set some of our wants and desires aside in order to grab hold of the benefits of the relationship. In marriage it is a much bigger deal as "two become one" and we no longer belong to ourselves. When my wife wins, we win.

3. Speak less and listen more. I tend to become defensive. The best defense I've found against defensiveness is to shut up. Proverbs 10:19 says: "Where words are many sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise." It's one of my favorite verses because I need it so much. Conflict always ends better when I listen. If the other party insists on winning then I can walk away with peace in my heart if I've practiced this verse.

4. Ask the right questions. The use of "why" tends to heighten the defenses because it goes straight to the core of our being. On the other hand, asking "what" keeps the doors and windows open. "What led to this approach?" instead of "Why did you do this?" can help conflict lead to something productive rather than destructive.

5. Stay in the room. This is a favorite phrase of my friend, Dan. It is rich with wisdom. God's desire is that every relationship head toward redemption. It doesn't mean people have to agree on everything. It does mean that you remain at the table, engaged in the relationship. Leave the room and you forfeit the right to speak into or about the relationship with integrity.

We leave the room in all kinds of ways: raising your voice; making all-encompassing accusations with words like "all the time" or "everyone"; phrases like: "I dare you....."; and physically leaving the room (office, workplace, relationship).

One of my favorite insights into leadership came from the late Yankees manager, Billy Martin. When asked, "How do you manage a baseball team?" he answered:

There are 25 guys on the team. 5 of them love everything you do and would follow you to hell with a squirt-gun. 5 of them hate everything you do until the day you resign. 15 just want to play ball. Who would you listen to?

Conflict doesn't mean you can't lead. It just might be a matter of figuring out who to listen to the most.

Conflict is inevitable. How we handle it can either help us mature or it will isolate us. We made this last in the series because conflict comes up in the other three areas more frequently than any others. We made forgiveness the foundation because we all must learn to walk in forgiveness every day. If I know how much I'm loved and have been forgiven, I can easily forgive others, on the spot, on a daily basis.

How to Deal with Conflict in Relationships

Everyone has conflict in some relationships in life, at least if my blog posts are any indication. A search for blog posts about conflict displays some of the top posts, including: Dealing with Difficult People - How to Deal with Conflict.

What do we do with people in our lives? My executive coach once asked me: "What's your greatest stressor at work?" I responded immediately: "People!"

In the world of the Church there is conflict because the Church is full of people….sinful people….flawed people…..human beings. That could be said of every place - every business - because every business deals with people. Conflict surrounds us because we're surrounded by people.

What I know is that conflict won't just go away. It can't be ignored if I want to get through it. I'm not suggesting I've been able to apply these principles and axioms perfectly, but I do know they work.

1. I deserve what I tolerate. This made my top 50 thoughts, axioms, pieces of wisdom and leadership principles I posted for my 50th birthday just a few days ago. It doesn't mean that all conflict will go away. It also doesn't mean that if there is conflict, I must conclude that I deserve it. It does mean that if I don't walk into the fog of the conflict that I do deserve the resulting infection.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you,

live at peace with everyone.

Romans 12:8

Some relationships will simply be conflicted because of personalities, values or a host of other issues. But when I refuse to walk into the conflict, not with harshness or an "I'm right" attitude, but with grace, then I deserve what I get from that relationship.

When we refuse to walk in, it will only get worse.

2. Own what is mine. Jesus had a marvelous insight into conflicted relationships:

In Luke 6:42, He counsels: How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? you hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Before walking into that fog, it's best to ask and answer this question: "What do I own in this conflict?"

I've had my share of conflicts with staff, church members and acquaintances. One memorable one confronted me with a list of complaints. In a conversation with my supervisors they asked what complaints I had, trying to sort it out. My response was: "Let me share with you the 3 things that I have done which have contributed to the conflict."

Conflict will only be dealt with by looking inward first. We always have things to own because not only does each of us have a difficult person, we ARE a difficult person to someone else.

3. Know when to walk away. Unfortunately, not everyone wants to figure out a way forward in relationships and sometimes you have to walk away. I'm a "fix-it" guy and this pains me greatly. For me it's more about ego - that I have to admit I can't "fix-it."

It's the old adage: "You'll never please everyone, only some people some of the time."

I had someone say to me: "We'll never understand each other because you're an athlete and I'm not, you're from the city and I'm not…." And he left the church.

A friend counseled me about a conflicted relationships: "The two of you will probably never see eye to eye." She was right. Time to move on.

What do you recommend when dealing with conflict in relationships? What's worked for you? What do you struggle with the most?

Things that Wipeout our Relationships - Conflict

Relationships make up our lives. Without them, life is empty and no matter how much we enjoy our "alone" time, always alone isn't really living. But there are some common things that wipe out our relationships. Healthy relationships require us to be aware of those things and to have some strategy for dealing with them.

First is conflict. Whenever you are in relationship with another human being, there will be conflict. It's going to happen. It's what you do with the conflict that matters the most.

Avoid conflict and you avoid the things that grow you as a person and in that relationship. You end up dwelling in the arena of assumptions and guesses, instead of truth. And that will wipeout relationships.

1. Pursue unity. Pursue unity over victory. If it's more important to be right, then there will be more conflict. I'm not suggesting lies should become the norm but rather proving you are right isn't always the most helpful approach. Ask yourself: Can I live with this? Does this really matter?

2. Put on humility & compassion
Philippians 2:3-4 “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

As long as you're concerned about your own pride, your own image, your own reputation, you'll create more conflict in your life. Have no opinions. Listen. Seek the best for others.

3. Take a self-examination
Nobody likes exams, whether they're in school or some medical exam. But they help us understand how we are doing, how much we are learning, where we are so we know how far we have to go. Remembering to examine ourselves helps us use conflict in a constructive way.


Matthew 7:3-5 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

4. Have courage
Matthew 18:15-17 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

This is the tough one, but the necessary one. Some conflicts are ones that result from sin and it needs to be confronted. Jesus doesn't call us to come as we are and stay as we are. Jesus is about loving us where we are and growing us to be more like Him. That means change.

Some conflicts arise from sin in other people's lives and we are called to humbly and compassionately confront the sin while loving the person. It should be approached cautiously, prayerfully, and in cooperation with others.

5. Speak the truth in love
Ephesians 4:14-15 “Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. 15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.”

Some people side with the love part. Others side with the truth part. God's Word calls us to have equal parts of each. Truth in love.

6. Trust in God's sovereignty


God's sovereignty means God's way wins in the end. I don't believe God ever intended that we defend Him. He needs no defense. He needs witnesses to the change He brings to our lives but He doesn't require people who will pick on every little thing.

Focus on the issue not the person Remove the emotion from it. Don't take it personally.

Conflict happens any time two or more human beings are in relationship. How we handle the conflict will mean growth or decay for those relationships. Which course will you take? It's your choice.

Dirty Jobs for Healthy Relationships

Relationships are the stuff of life. To live is to be in relationship, with yourself and hopefully with others. Relationships are the number one concern people bring to me - relationship with God, marriage, children, parents and friends.

Healthy relationships take hard work, deliberate action and usually some help from outside the relationship in the form of friends, reading and the Holy Spirit. I've been thinking about the best tools to offer people looking to grow healthier relationships.

When I was a swim coach, I learned quickly that if I was able to help athletes perfect a couple of things, their times would improve. I concentrated a lot on starts, turns and finishes. I found if they got those right, many other things took care of themselves. Completely ineffective stroke techniques certainly needed attention, but even a mediocre stroke with a strong start, turn and finish would improve a time.

What are those things for relationships? I've come up with 5 that I think I pretty important. No doubt, others could add some, come up with 7 and I might even be able to argue against one or more of mine. In my experience these 5 come up more often than others. Deal with these and relationships tend to get better.

1. Forgiveness. This is THE key to healthy relationships. Walking in forgiveness each day, in every step of a relationship, prevents us from carrying baggage around - baggage that strains our own back and prevents us from fully participating with another in this journey of life. I have a simply definition for what it means to forgive (I'm sure I borrowed it from someone at some point): "Giving up the right to hurt you for hurting me."

Forgiveness is a one-way street. It's not about deserving or earning it. Forgiveness is a choice we make to let go, give up the right to beat another up. It's not a feeling; it's not about forgetting. Forgiveness takes the sting out of the hurt because we refuse to nurse and rehearse it. Giving forgiveness starts with speaking the truth and ends at the cross of Jesus, the greatest image of forgiveness we know.

A seminary professor said forgiveness is God's 50/20 vision - from Genesis 50:20 and Joseph's amazing journey to be able to forgive because he saw with God's eyes:

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."

2. Choices (also known as Priorities). Oftentimes my discussions come around the choices people make about the priority of a relationship. In marriage, for instance, each no longer belongs to him or herself. Each belongs to the other. That means for the mutual benefit of the relationship, and all the benefits that come with that relationship, each will be required to give up some wants and desires in exchange for having needs met - some of which are unknown. When we are in relationship with another, the choices we make must be understood in terms of how they affect the other. Often it's stupid choices that lead to trouble, like an affair. Sometimes it's our response to the things that happen to us - cancer for instance - and the choices we make in the face of unwanted circumstances. Helping people make wise choices solves a lot of heartache and misery.

3. Sex. Get sex wrong and relationships go wrong. It's not the most important thing but when not used in the right way it can damage a relationship. Sex before marriage complicates the necessary growth in the relationship that leads to a strong marriage. Emotion takes over and sex becomes the default action rather than dealing with difficulties. Sex outside of marriage is just downright stupid. It destroys a unique bond intended to be between one man and one woman. An affair doesn't have to lead to divorce - refer to my first point.

Marriage without sex leads to distance that harms the power of intimacy. (No, sex isn't always intimate and intimacy doesn't have to lead to sex.) There are most definitely physical circumstances that can lead to a no sex marriage but what I'm referring to are the sexless marriages because of the lack of intimacy in the relationship.

Sex is usually a symptom not a cause; it's the barometer not the thermostat of a relationship. Keep the fire in the fireplace. Get this right and the relationship will really sizzle, whether it be before marriage or in marriage.

4. Money and Debt. This is the number one conflict issue in a marriage but whether single or married, money and debt is an issue that can enhance or destroy relationships. Choosing debt means having faith in a paycheck tomorrow, something truly suspect in our present economy. Spending money before it is made leads to less choices in the future. I've warned my children to be careful with how much school debt they incur. Go a year longer, work more, use a community college are all smart choices so they don't mortgage away their future.

On the other hand, learning to be generous, understanding to whom it all belongs in the first place, these change the heart and make us better companions on this journey of life.

Proverbs 11:25 "A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed."

Prosperity in relationships is worth far more than any amount of money one could have.

Relationships that are in trouble often seek happiness in accumulating stuff. But that is hallow and lifeless. For the evidence, just look at how quickly the "new" factor wears off on Christmas Day.

Learning to live within and below your means is one of the best practices that leads to a healthy relationships.

5. Conflict. When I asked my friend, Dr. Baker: "What are the dirty jobs that people must do to have a healthy relationship," he immediately responded, "They must do conflict well. It is the number one predictor of a healthy relationship." Is said at the beginning, that "forgiveness if THE key to healthy relationships." This key of conflict confirms my thinking. Healthy conflict doesn't hold grudges or use past mistakes as a battering ram. Differences of opinion don't have to lead to the end of the relationship.

Jesus said that the world would know we are His disciples if we have love for one another (John 13:35). When Christians disagree and split, is it any wonder why the world looks on in dismay? We disagree and divorce each other. Christians are notorious for not handling conflict well.

Healthy conflict isn't about winning or losing. It starts with seeking to understand, uses "what" questions as opposed to "why" ones to seek information and insight. In a healthy relationship, when one loses, both lose. Healthy means the relationship wins. Finding ways to speak truth (as in forgivenss and Genesis 50:20) without accusatory attitudes and words leads to stronger bonds.

So there you have it, my toolbox of dirty jobs that we find difficult to practice. When I shared this the other day to our worship design team at Cornerstone, someone said: "Who wouldn't want to have sex!" We have to get these 5 things right in order to grow our hearts and the soul of our relationships. Starting on January 6, 2013 we're going to deal with each of these in order. Healthy relationships lead to healthy families which leads to healthy churches - which leads to healthy communities and a healthier nation and world. It all starts right at home, by looking in the mirror and being willing to take on this relationship destroyers.

What would you add to the list?

Do I Have to Grow Up?

Everybody I know loves to: graduate from high school and become more independent - turn 21 and be legal - begin doing more and more things on their own. Growing up is the natural and normal thing to do in life. We are supposed to mature. It's normal. Of course, once we get there we usually realize we don't enjoy all the responsibility that goes along with our independence, but that's the way it goes.

I am beginning to meet with people around Cornerstone's 20th Anniversary in 2013. It's hard to believe it's been 20 years since I helped make phone calls to get the word out that a new church was starting in West Chester, Ohio. Someone came up with an idea: what if we think in terms of growing up, taking more responsibility, maturing, moving on as we turn 20?

What does it mean for a Christ-follower or a Church to grow up? To move from milk to solid food? It's been a question from the earliest days of the Church:

In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God’s word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! - Hebrews 5:12

Peter Scazzero authored a book about church health called The Emotionally Healthy Church. As I worked my way through an issue of Leadership Journal on Transformation, I came upon an interview with Peter. This paragraph struck me:

But people were not changing deeply. It really showed when there was stress and conflict in the church. It was clear to me that we had a big problem......We had a lot of people saying they were on fire for Jesus, but they were still arrogant, still proud, stull nursing conflicts like they were 12 years old. I thought to myself, Something's not right here. (italics his)

Scazzero goes on to talk about the need to, as a leader, look inside first and then he talks about his need and desire for people to "grow up" in the Christian faith. It wasn't happening and it bugged him. It bugs me.

When Christ-followers encounter "stress and conflict" in their lives, in their church, in their work or family, sometimes there is an ugly display of unChristian behavior that betrays their claim to be Followers. Saved maybe, but transformed - evidence says no. When people turn to Facebook and Twitter to let everyone know how "pissed off" they are and how horrible someone else is, it is evidence that transformation has not happened. It makes me wonder where we went wrong - where I went wrong - where the Church around the world has gone wrong.

Where did we go wrong in helping people grow up spiritually?

The Book of Galatians gives a great list by which to judge our own lives, showing where we're growing up or staying put, mired in the muck of sin.

The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. 

Galatians 5:19-21

It has been said that character is not so much developed as it is exposed during difficult times. Whether it's the athlete getting beat, the illness that suddenly strikes, the tragedy caused by evil that jumps into our lives, how we have developed our character will show. When we are vulnerable, who are we? Too many church-goers and Christ-followers are defined by this first list in Galatians.

The untransformed life is characterized by these things. Disagreements, sure. Difficulties, no doubt a reality with human beings doing life together. But what then?

Weekend worship attendance 2-3 times a month won't bring the kind of transformation Jesus intends. When a family gives up church for sports, what foundation is provided when the sports are over? The temporal excitement of now can cut the legs out from the bliss of eternity. There is no such thing as part-time discipleship.

Thankfully, there's more to the story. There's another list that describes a different path to pursue. 

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. - Galatians 5:22-23a

Two key points help unlock this list for me: 1) these character traits are the natural result of the presence and work of God's Spirit in our lives. These are not things we have to force to grow in our lives. We might practice some spiritual disciplines to help support their growth but they are the result of living a life connected to Jesus. 2) this is one fruit demonstrated nine ways. The ultimate fruit of the Spirit is love - that's the way the Greek words it. Everything flows from love.

The key for me is staying connected to a small group. I love those in my group. They laugh at me when I'm trying to fake it. They support me when I'm struggling. They challenge me as I try to grow my faith. They tell me the truth. I can't do life without them.

Are you growing up or staying put? What character was revealed the last time you encountered stress or difficulty in your life? Those who pursue Jesus will be revealed in the end. Those who don't - the same is true.

Next Steps.....

I've been wrestling with a question - How do you know what your next steps are? It's a step beyond my previous post What Do You Do When You Don't Know What to Do? Sometimes a plan isn't clear. Sometimes the boundaries are laid out but you aren't sure if it's soccer, football or baseball that you're playing. In different cultures, football refers to different games. Knowing the rules of the game is a must to playing the right game.

I finally figured it out. I figured out the game to be played within the boundaries that have been established. It's a freeing thing. Now I can lay out a game plan.

Think about what happens when two people in a marriage have different expectations about the goal. One has soccer in mind. The other wants to play touch football! Similar fields, each thinking there are funny lines for the game. It can create confusion and mind-numbing frustration.

When two different people have two different values - as far as what the ultimate goal is - in other words, the definition of success, endless conflict can be the outcome. One is playing with a football, the other uses a softball and neither can figure out why the other can't run the right play or even catch the ball that was so perfectly thrown - or pitched - or hit right to them.

One asks: "Who's on first?" and the other thinks they're calling the "Who" play for 1st down.

Clarity of how success is defined is an essential piece for knowing what the next steps are. It brings a real sense of peace. Nothing is more frustrating than thinking you're succeeding only to find out others are pushing for something else. It helps when everyone is moving toward the same goal line.

It happens in marriages with expectations.

We watch it in politics - big government and taxes, small government and taxes - Democrats v Republicans.

It happens in churches, which is where my life has been spent. Some have a goal of everyone feeling good. Others have a goal of making disciples. There are a host of other divergent thoughts on what success looks like in a church. What I know is that when success is defined differently then conflict, confusion and frustration are inevitable.

To find my next steps I asked a lot of questions, trying my best to stay away from "why" questions. Too much emotion with "why." "What" is a far better way to finding clarity. It does no good to shoot the messenger. It doesn't help to display anger. Speak truth. Share your perceptions. Learn the rules of the game and then get in the game.

So off we go.

Unclear? Find your next steps so you know what ball to pick up to play the game.

Things that Wipe Out our Relationships - Money

Continuing some thoughts on the things that wipe out our relationships. Money is the number one issue of conflict in a marriage and probably in most relationships. When Walmart marries Saks Fifth Avenue, you know there is going to be conflict around money. For me, staying out of debt is the number one way to calm this ugly destroyer of relationships.

Proverbs 22:7 “The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is always slave to the lender.”

Debt is slavery. It’s that simple. Debt is the most immediate pressure that most marriages and individuals feel in their lives. The average college graduate has over $20,000 in debt, starting life in slavery to money. And that doesn’t include credit card debt. The average credit card debt in America is over $7000! You know what we do when we go into debt – we have faith that we will keep getting paid, keep making money, in order to pay that debt. We have faith in a company or in ourselves. That’s not the place we want to grow our faith. We change. Companies change. Life happens. God never changes.

The greatest thing that leads us into debt: Immediate gratification. One of the ways we have tackled this problem is with cars. First of all, owning a car - just one car - is a first world problem. Most of the world knows nothing about owning a car.

Cars are a depreciating asset. In order to reduce that impact on our bank account we always buy used cars instead of new. Then we drive them until they are nearing unsafe or just plain stop working. The added bonus is that this became an embarrassment to our children!

Some ways out of debt:
1. Giving
It seems foolish on the surface, but giving does something to our hearts. Learning to give and trust God changes the focus of our hearts. That’s where the debt problem comes from – our hearts. It’s not a cash flow problem. Debt is a spiritual issue. Giving is a spiritual issue. That’s why Jesus talked about it so much.

It may mean some lifestyle adjustments but learning to give, beginning to give even in the midst of repaying debt is vital to getting out of debt. If you say to yourself that you’ll wait until the debt is gone to start giving you’ll never start giving because you’ll just accumulate more debt. Giving is a heart change that is necessary to staying out of debt.

Proverbs 11:25 “A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.”

2. Change of heart not change of cash flow. Materialism is a heart issue not a cash flow issue. We want what Hollywood and Madison Avenue says we should have.

Luke 12:34 (New Living) “Wherever your treasure is, there your heart and thoughts will also be.”

Jesus knew that the heart follows the cash and the cash follows the heart. If we are in debt guess where our hearts are going to be? At the very least we’re going to be distracted TOWARD the debt and AWAY FROM Jesus. At worst we’ll be totally drawn away working and worrying to pay off the debts we’ve accumulated.

This is one of the main reasons I talk about money in church. Money – giving and staying out of debt – are spiritual issues. What we do with our money actually says more about our spiritual heart than about our bank accounts. It’s an essential mindset shift to stay out of debt – how we use our money is a spiritual or heart issue.

3. Learn contentment
2 Kings 4:2 “Elisha replied to her, "How can I help you? Tell me, what do you have in your house?" "Your servant has nothing there at all," she said, "except a little oil."

I love the question Elisha asked the widow in verse two. She was saying, "I can't believe I'm in this situation. My husband died, and my husband was a godly man; he was from the house of prophets." Yes, bad things happen to good people. "Now we have mortgaged my children's future. They’re coming to take my children into slavery." Elisha asked her, "What do you have in your house?" "Well, I don't make enough money, that's the problem. If I just made more money then I wouldn't be in this situation."

Whoa! Getting out of debt isn't about making more money, it's about spending less than you make. You can't always control how much money you make, but you do have control over how much you spend.


How many times have you run into the house and said, "Look, I saved money! I got this for 50% off." You would have saved 100% if you had never gone to the store in the first place!

4. Understand the cross
Galatians 2:20 “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live but Christ lives in me.”

When you become a Christ follower you no longer live. And if you no longer live then that means you don’t care what kind of car you drive, where you live, the clothes you have or anything else.

Understanding life in Jesus has everything to do with our finances. It means our bank accounts don’t belong to us. They belong to the Lord. He gives resources to us so that we can so that we can fulfill His heart in our lives.

Does this mean we can’t take vacations? Of course not. Does this mean we can’t own a condo in Florida, have a pool in your backyard or drive a new car? Of course not. It does mean – have you checked with God?

You see, if you are giving 10% as a baseline and then being responsive to the things God brings to you on top of that, those others things – the new car, the bigger house, the big vacations – there is nothing wrong with them. Trying to do all of that INSTEAD of giving and responding to God means you have not yet been crucified with Christ.

How are you allowing money to rule your life? What steps can you take to make money a tool for living?

5 Experiments for Money Management

We're in a series @ The Park Church called "Wipeout: the things that wipe out our relationships." Topics have included conflict, sex, selfishness and, yes, money. Money is the #1 source of conflict in marriages. It can destroy any relationship if not handled well or it can be a tool to help feed the relationship of necessary nutrients.

One of the ways we grow as human beings is to try experiments. A short-term mission trip is a great experiment that everyone should do at least once in life. It takes you out of your comfort zone, which opens your heart to things you would not otherwise notice. I've done experiments with prayer to grow my prayer life. I've experimented with Facebook, cutting it off for months at a time, only then realizing how much time I spent on it.

Without experiments we end up in a rut and can mistake the edge of the rut for the horizon. If we do that with money it will too late by the time we realize it and our relationships will wipe out.

Here are 5 experiments in the realm of money that can help any individual or family with to manage money better.

1 Stop all credit cards for one month. Credit card debt is a killer for managing money well. Statements are excellent tools for tracking expenses but to not pay it off each month is a waste of money. With credit cards we buy things we cannot afford and then keep paying on them so they cost twice as much.

If you have issues with credit cards, I would recommend cutting them up.

2 Give 10% to your church for one month. If you're not already tithing (giving 10%) - the beginning point of generosity - then do an experiment for one month. Debt is a symptom of the heart, it is not a function of cash flow. Change the heart and you'll change your approach to money. I've never met a generous person who had issues with money, barring something like medical bills that could swallow any one's life.

3 Cut out Christmas presents one year. It's a radical experiment in our culture that has turned Christmas into a material holiday. The average family pays for Christmas through the first quarter of the following year. Cut off buying presents, instead send a nice email note with pictures and a message. Or give 25 or 50% of your usual Christmas budget to something like the Live Simply Project and send some cards to loved ones with a message: "This year I gave to the poorest of the poor in your name."

Not only will this experiment help you with money management but it might also help you re-capture the real meaning of the season.

4 Go on a Serve-cation. We've heard of Stay-cations. I'm suggesting using your vacation dollars to serve others, while also having some vacation yourself. Go to the Black Hills of South Dakota for a week, then spend a week serving on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation. Fly to the Grand Canyon and then serve on the Four Corners Reservation. Plan a trip to a great city like Chicago or New York, then connect with a ministry that serves in a soup kitchen. There are hundreds of ways to accomplish this. You might even combine a Serve & Stay-cation by serving meals to the homeless on Thanksgiving Day instead of over-eating on a lavish meal at home.

5 Talk with a trusted friend or a financial advisor and ask this question: "Would you take a look at what I spend money on and suggest ways to trim expenses?" God did not design us to do life on our own. We need people. We thrive in community. There is no way to come up with every way to save on our own. By ourselves we're myopic. Community is God's corrective lenses.

The point of all this is: DO SOMETHING. An inability to control money will mean disaster for relationships. These experiments will open your eyes to new thoughts, new ways and especially it will change your heart. It's the heart that is at the heart of how to handle money.

4 Acts to Deal with High Maintenance People

There's the control freak and the backstabber, the gossip and the critic. Some relationships seem like an impenetrable fortress. But just like the Berlin Wall crumbled nearly 25 years ago, so there is hope for those intractable relationships that can drive us crazy.

A professor in Seminary called them crazy-makers. Christian psychologist and author, Les

Parrott wrote a book about them called High Maintenance Relationships. Many name them simply as difficult people. The Bible uses the term “fool” that seems to describe many of the same people.

Relationships are the school for building character, allowing us the chance to study in great detail and over time temperaments that are different from our own. (High Maintenance Relationships, Parrott, p. 7-8)

These are the people who can drain the life out of us. But the problem is this: somebody else calls us high maintenance or difficult. Often the things that irritate us the most do so because they remind us of ourselves.

1st - Look inside first

Da Vinci drawing - Queens
Gallery, London

Jesus' wisdom about dealing with high maintenance people is first about growing yourself. The starting point for growing and maintaining healthy relationships even with people who seem impossible is to ask the right questions and look inside first. We have to face the critic, wet blanket, steamroller, backstabber, sponge, competitor or chameleon in us.

Luke 6:41-42 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 42 How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.”

I have to face the fact that one of the reasons critical people irritate me the most is that I might be that critical person to others. Ouch! Jesus is clear – if it's healthy relationships you are seeking then look inside first.

2nd - Establish limits

2 Timothy 4:14-17 “Alexander the metalworker did me a great deal of harm. The Lord will repay him for what he has done. 15 You too should be on your guard against him, because he strongly opposed our message. 16 At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. 17 But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it."

Alexander was a difficult person in Paul's life and he warns others to set limits.

Here's the question I wrestle with in dealing with the Alexander's in my life: How much do I work toward a healthy relationship and when does the point come when I have to let it be and move on with God's greater purpose for my life? Here's where it gets sticky. Is the “greater purpose” of my life to befriend the difficult person? How many friends does that person have and is God calling me to be that friend?

Is it a waste of time to spend time with someone who is difficult? I don't think so. Not if I understand the Gospel of Jesus. There are also encounters of Jesus with people who rejected Him and He let them walk away. The rich young ruler was pompous and arrogant, wanting to look better than everyone else. But when Jesus told him the real barrier to finding real life was his possessions and that the young man should sell them and give the money to the poor, the man walked away. Jesus didn't follow him. And so I wrestle with it. Where do I spend my time and efforts?

3rd - Seek to understand
In the heat of a conflict, when the emotions are raw, this can be hard to do. Try to walk in the difficult person's shoes. The critic may have been raised to be a critic. When one is always criticized it's difficult to not become critical.

Three of us were meeting for a phone call. While two of us were waiting for the third to arrive we were listening to a voicemail that was on a parallel track to the next conversation. It was not essential but the two of us had some moments and listened. About half way through the voicemail, the third person walked in and his first words were: “Did you start without me?” I wanted my first thought to be: “That person must be having a difficult day?” But that was not my first thought. God's got a lot of room to improve my heart! Admittedly, I had known that person as one of my difficult people. Unfortunately his response didn't surprise me.

Seek to understand. Put the heart and needs of the other first. The problem with high maintenance relationships is that we become weary and weariness leads to things like short-tempers and assumptions. In the end there's no room for grace. 

That's why it's so important to spend time in God's Word every day and to spend time in conversation with the Lord. I can't do this on my own. Without God's help I don't put other first, I put me first.

4th - Guard your heart
High maintenance people can drag you down quickly by making you think about them, have conversations with them, become obsessed with figuring out ways to get along with them. You've got to guard your heart.

Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” 

Be careful what you allow to settle in your heart.

Proverbs 24:12 If you say, "But we knew nothing about this,"does not he who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not he who guards your life know it?Will he not repay each person according to what he has done?”

Leave retribution to the Lord. Guard your heart from thinking revenge or getting even. Nothing in scripture says get even. It always says that God will take care of those who live for Him.


I've found that if the thought of somebody keeps me up at night; if I wake up thinking about this person; if I begin talking to this person in the midst of praying for the person; if I'm that distracted then I've got a problem. My heart is being infected. Many high maintenance people spread a highly contagious virus. We can too easily become negative. Once infected with negativism it becomes a natural way of relating.

On one of my trips to Haiti I picked up several hearts carved from stone. I keep one on my desk to remind me that God softened this heart of stone and His call on my life is to work with hard-hearted people just like me. God is in the business of softening hard hearts and He invites us into partnership with Him. These four acts have helped me along the way with still a long way to go.