Everyone has conflict in some relationships in life, at least if my blog posts are any indication. A search for blog posts about conflict displays some of the top posts, including: Dealing with Difficult People - How to Deal with Conflict.
What do we do with people in our lives? My executive coach once asked me: "What's your greatest stressor at work?" I responded immediately: "People!"
In the world of the Church there is conflict because the Church is full of people….sinful people….flawed people…..human beings. That could be said of every place - every business - because every business deals with people. Conflict surrounds us because we're surrounded by people.
What I know is that conflict won't just go away. It can't be ignored if I want to get through it. I'm not suggesting I've been able to apply these principles and axioms perfectly, but I do know they work.
1. I deserve what I tolerate. This made my top 50 thoughts, axioms, pieces of wisdom and leadership principles I posted for my 50th birthday just a few days ago. It doesn't mean that all conflict will go away. It also doesn't mean that if there is conflict, I must conclude that I deserve it. It does mean that if I don't walk into the fog of the conflict that I do deserve the resulting infection.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you,
live at peace with everyone.
Some relationships will simply be conflicted because of personalities, values or a host of other issues. But when I refuse to walk into the conflict, not with harshness or an "I'm right" attitude, but with grace, then I deserve what I get from that relationship.
When we refuse to walk in, it will only get worse.
2. Own what is mine. Jesus had a marvelous insight into conflicted relationships:
In Luke 6:42, He counsels: How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? you hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
Before walking into that fog, it's best to ask and answer this question: "What do I own in this conflict?"
Conflict will only be dealt with by looking inward first. We always have things to own because not only does each of us have a difficult person, we ARE a difficult person to someone else.
3. Know when to walk away. Unfortunately, not everyone wants to figure out a way forward in relationships and sometimes you have to walk away. I'm a "fix-it" guy and this pains me greatly. For me it's more about ego - that I have to admit I can't "fix-it."
It's the old adage: "You'll never please everyone, only some people some of the time."
I had someone say to me: "We'll never understand each other because you're an athlete and I'm not, you're from the city and I'm not…." And he left the church.
A friend counseled me about a conflicted relationships: "The two of you will probably never see eye to eye." She was right. Time to move on.
What do you recommend when dealing with conflict in relationships? What's worked for you? What do you struggle with the most?
3. Know when to walk away. Unfortunately, not everyone wants to figure out a way forward in relationships and sometimes you have to walk away. I'm a "fix-it" guy and this pains me greatly. For me it's more about ego - that I have to admit I can't "fix-it."
It's the old adage: "You'll never please everyone, only some people some of the time."
I had someone say to me: "We'll never understand each other because you're an athlete and I'm not, you're from the city and I'm not…." And he left the church.
A friend counseled me about a conflicted relationships: "The two of you will probably never see eye to eye." She was right. Time to move on.
What do you recommend when dealing with conflict in relationships? What's worked for you? What do you struggle with the most?
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