Keeping Relationships Healthy

People. The greatest influence on us, the greatest contributor to our success and the greatest stressor we can know. People.

Some people start their own business because they're tired of office conflicts, but they still have to relate to people. Some people get out of marriages because of the ongoing conflict. We can't get away from relationships. Is there a way to keep them healthy?

In my reflection on recently reaching the half-century mark, I wrote this principle about growing healthy relationships:

Give the benefit of the doubt

As a USA Swimming official our mantra at a meet is "the swimmers always gets the benefit of the doubt." Our training is that if we have to think about what we saw, if we don't raise a hand immediately, if we aren't completely certain about what we saw, then we can't make the disqualification recommendation. If I raise my hand but then think about it and wonder, it's better to put my hand down than go forward.

Here's how it works in relationships.

The first and most important key to healthy relationships is to look first at myself. Is there something going on in my life, inside of me, that is acting as a filter to possibly misinterpret words or actions?

We're driving to a dinner date and my wife innocently and gently says: "You turn here but remember to get in the left lane." A few moments later, "It's probably better to turn here than go up another block." As we get closer to the restaurant my blood is getting warmer. "Make sure to park around that way." OK, I've about had it. Does she think I don't know what I'm doing? Would she like to drive or does she enjoy driving from the passenger seat? Is she suggesting I don't know where I'm going, that I don't take her out often enough?

All these thoughts and more can easily begin to take over and I'm no longer in a good mood.

I've learned to ask a different question - even if it's later and not in the heat of the moment:

What is so sensitive in me that it hurts when
those words push on it?

So often we like to say: "Why does she do that to me?" That will only lead to isolation, dividing us whereas looking inward will bring healing and draw us together.  

It's easy on a pool deck to give the benefit of the doubt. It's not emotional. It's either right or wrong. If I'm not sure, I don't recommend a disqualification. In relationships there is so much emotion.

To temper my temper - or emotions - it is helpful to recite 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 with a twist. Instead of "love is patient and kind….." I say: "This action - these words - are patient and kind?" Are they? Am I? In the heat of the moment, it's not easy, but through practice I've learned to ask forgiveness, ask for help interpreting my emotion and mature in a way that adds value to relationships.