Making a Marriage Better

Doing some reflecting as my 50th approached, I identified multiple truths - 50 of them to be exact - I've learned and sought to apply in my life. One of the most important is this:

The love and commitment of a good woman is worth more

than anything I could ever possess.

I've lived for 50 years and been married more than half of it (27 years in 2014). One time Stephanie and I were talking with another couple and they asked: "How long have you been married?" I responded, "20 wonderful years." A look of confusion came across Stephanie's face. "It's been 22 years, dear." "Yes," I said, "but 20 wonderful ones!" Suddenly the backside of a hand whacked me across the stomach. We laughed….and I've never said it again!

Not every year of marriage is as good as the others. It doesn't mean I'd trade any of them, for the diffiult years make the marriage what it becomes in the future.

I've read plenty of books on marriage - attended multiple marriage conferences - counseled couples in trouble - celebrated weddings with couples - and learned only that I have so much still to learn. One thing I do know is that our commitment to our marriage is the most important commitment (besides our one to Jesus) that we could make and keep.

A good marriage can be used by God to shape us. It's one of His best tools for growing the fruit of the Spirit in us. Afterall, what marriage is good without love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control? (Galatians 5:22-23)

If I understand Ephesians 5 correctly, marriage is one of God's greatest tools to demonstrate to the world the depth and breadth and patience of His love for us. So making a marriage better matters a lot.

I think our marriage is good. It's not perfect but it is good. There is however one thing we have done that has had a great impact our marriage. Arguably it's the greatest return on investment in this essential relationship.

We've spent time and money on our marriage. 

Marriage Focused Time - Life will help you avoid the important discussions and connections that make a marriage good. We chose to make time to attend conferences like Family Life and Marriage Encounter. In 2012 I took a 3 month sabbatical and one trip was a marriage weekend with the Navigators at Glen Eyrie. When we were young and had little money, we rented DVD's (ok, they were actually VHS tapes) and watched some marriage teachings at home, using them as discussion starters.

Glen Eyrie Weekend Getaway

The time and money we spent on those conferences were well worth it. They forced us to talk about important things that life was helping us forget. We've never regretted investing the time and spending the dollars to grow our marriage.

The time is intentional, focused on the relationships, allowing others to challenge us through their teaching and example and questions. One time we went to a Christian Counselor for a "tune-up." There was nothing wrong that we could identify but we knew the relationship could be better. It took someone from the outside to help us see inside.

Whether it's a walk in the park, a lunch date (because lunches are cheaper than dinners) or a trip to the grocery, time away from the kids is essential.

Galcier Bay, Alaska - 25th Anniversary Cruise

Vacations - So many in the U.S. don't take all their available vacation days. We make sure we take as many as possible. One goal we've had is every 5th anniversary is a "big" trip, usually a cruise. What about the kids, you ask? We leave them for those days, and other days. The priority of our marriage is one of the greatest gifts we've given to our children. When they were young and we had a date night, they sought to manipulate us with crying and complaining. Checking with the babysitter later, they were fine after 3 minutes.

Taking time away for the two of us was vital to prepare for the season of life we've just entered - the empty nest. We love it. We miss our kids but we love it being just us again. The important thing is that we still like each other! A big part of that is we took the time and spent the money to create memories together.

It goes without saying that we also took some really fun family vacations too! We traveled with a pop-up camper, and fixed much of our own food to make them affordable.

Individual Hobbies - While we love each other, our relationship together doesn't cancel out our individual strengths and passions. Stephanie loves to quilt and is energized by that time. She needs that outlet for her God-given creativity. I, on the other hand, am competitive to the core so she supports my time at the Y as well as officiating for USA Swimming around the country.

We've tried to make sure we're not gone more than a couple of nights each week, but give room and support for those longer trips be they to North Carolina and a folk art school (guess who did that one) or a swim meet in Russia.

Peter I Summer Garden - St. Petersburg, Russia

Marriage is like a garden. It will produce beautiful flowers but only with intention and attention. Without it, weeds will grow and a few individual splashes of color may occur, but there will be no bigger picture creating a pattern that can inspire the world.