4 Acts to Deal with High Maintenance People

There's the control freak and the backstabber, the gossip and the critic. Some relationships seem like an impenetrable fortress. But just like the Berlin Wall crumbled nearly 25 years ago, so there is hope for those intractable relationships that can drive us crazy.

A professor in Seminary called them crazy-makers. Christian psychologist and author, Les

Parrott wrote a book about them called High Maintenance Relationships. Many name them simply as difficult people. The Bible uses the term “fool” that seems to describe many of the same people.

Relationships are the school for building character, allowing us the chance to study in great detail and over time temperaments that are different from our own. (High Maintenance Relationships, Parrott, p. 7-8)

These are the people who can drain the life out of us. But the problem is this: somebody else calls us high maintenance or difficult. Often the things that irritate us the most do so because they remind us of ourselves.

1st - Look inside first

Da Vinci drawing - Queens
Gallery, London

Jesus' wisdom about dealing with high maintenance people is first about growing yourself. The starting point for growing and maintaining healthy relationships even with people who seem impossible is to ask the right questions and look inside first. We have to face the critic, wet blanket, steamroller, backstabber, sponge, competitor or chameleon in us.

Luke 6:41-42 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 42 How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.”

I have to face the fact that one of the reasons critical people irritate me the most is that I might be that critical person to others. Ouch! Jesus is clear – if it's healthy relationships you are seeking then look inside first.

2nd - Establish limits

2 Timothy 4:14-17 “Alexander the metalworker did me a great deal of harm. The Lord will repay him for what he has done. 15 You too should be on your guard against him, because he strongly opposed our message. 16 At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. 17 But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it."

Alexander was a difficult person in Paul's life and he warns others to set limits.

Here's the question I wrestle with in dealing with the Alexander's in my life: How much do I work toward a healthy relationship and when does the point come when I have to let it be and move on with God's greater purpose for my life? Here's where it gets sticky. Is the “greater purpose” of my life to befriend the difficult person? How many friends does that person have and is God calling me to be that friend?

Is it a waste of time to spend time with someone who is difficult? I don't think so. Not if I understand the Gospel of Jesus. There are also encounters of Jesus with people who rejected Him and He let them walk away. The rich young ruler was pompous and arrogant, wanting to look better than everyone else. But when Jesus told him the real barrier to finding real life was his possessions and that the young man should sell them and give the money to the poor, the man walked away. Jesus didn't follow him. And so I wrestle with it. Where do I spend my time and efforts?

3rd - Seek to understand
In the heat of a conflict, when the emotions are raw, this can be hard to do. Try to walk in the difficult person's shoes. The critic may have been raised to be a critic. When one is always criticized it's difficult to not become critical.

Three of us were meeting for a phone call. While two of us were waiting for the third to arrive we were listening to a voicemail that was on a parallel track to the next conversation. It was not essential but the two of us had some moments and listened. About half way through the voicemail, the third person walked in and his first words were: “Did you start without me?” I wanted my first thought to be: “That person must be having a difficult day?” But that was not my first thought. God's got a lot of room to improve my heart! Admittedly, I had known that person as one of my difficult people. Unfortunately his response didn't surprise me.

Seek to understand. Put the heart and needs of the other first. The problem with high maintenance relationships is that we become weary and weariness leads to things like short-tempers and assumptions. In the end there's no room for grace. 

That's why it's so important to spend time in God's Word every day and to spend time in conversation with the Lord. I can't do this on my own. Without God's help I don't put other first, I put me first.

4th - Guard your heart
High maintenance people can drag you down quickly by making you think about them, have conversations with them, become obsessed with figuring out ways to get along with them. You've got to guard your heart.

Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” 

Be careful what you allow to settle in your heart.

Proverbs 24:12 If you say, "But we knew nothing about this,"does not he who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not he who guards your life know it?Will he not repay each person according to what he has done?”

Leave retribution to the Lord. Guard your heart from thinking revenge or getting even. Nothing in scripture says get even. It always says that God will take care of those who live for Him.


I've found that if the thought of somebody keeps me up at night; if I wake up thinking about this person; if I begin talking to this person in the midst of praying for the person; if I'm that distracted then I've got a problem. My heart is being infected. Many high maintenance people spread a highly contagious virus. We can too easily become negative. Once infected with negativism it becomes a natural way of relating.

On one of my trips to Haiti I picked up several hearts carved from stone. I keep one on my desk to remind me that God softened this heart of stone and His call on my life is to work with hard-hearted people just like me. God is in the business of softening hard hearts and He invites us into partnership with Him. These four acts have helped me along the way with still a long way to go.

Dealing with Difficult People

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." - Romans 12:18

Everyone has someone with whom they don't get along - don't see eye to eye. Everyone has someone they consider a "difficult person." And everyone IS someone else's "difficult person."

Some we see often. Others infrequently. It doesn't matter to the feelings we feel, the anxiety that can push up from our gut.

During my summer sabbatical I learned a lot about boundaries - why they are good, what they look like and how to establish them. (Accountability & Boundaries, Performance Oriented Workers, Rules to Avoid Misery). I learned that I haven't had great boundaries in some areas of life. I have what I consider excellent moral boundaries (such as, no private meetings with a woman not my wife). My financial boundaries are pretty good (such as, commitment to tithing and saving). My leadership boundaries and those dealing with delegation to staff and servants have not been as good as they can be.

God is now pushing about boundaries dealing with difficult people. It's a question of what I own, what the other person owns and what God owns. The transformation process is a cooperative process between us and God. There is a role for people to play but there is also a role that God plays. We can't be God and God won't do what He asks us to do.

I define a difficult person as someone with whom you have a sight problem - you don't see eye to eye and nothing either of you can say will help bring clarity. It might be that they handled a situation in a way you didn't appreciate (or vice versa) and they just can't let it go. There may have been a disagreement and it just can't seem to get resolved.

I'm learning some steps. These may change as I mature and learn more but for now it's where I am. I'm trying to live them out.

1. Remember I am someone else's difficult person. The struggle I have with a particular individual, someone else struggles in the same way with me. It's humbling but keeps me focused.

2. Own what is mine. I can only be responsible for the choices I made. My actions are the only thing I can own. These are the things I can repent from, ask forgiveness for and seek to make amends.

3. Don't own what is not mine. I'm not good at this. There are some things that I must refuse to pick up and own. These include: another person's choices, actions and responses. I cannot change an attitude. I tend to want to fix things but I can only fix me.

4. Pray. The Holy Spirit can change a heart, not me. That's God's job.

5. Tell the truth. It goes with the owning thing. It's the truth that brings things into the light. Sometimes in a difficult relationship the truth is not accepted. Sometimes we think it's the truth but the difficult person's constant pressing helps us see it's really not complete. Tell the truth even when it hurts.

These have been helpful to me. But difficult people still bother me. I want to be liked. I want to be able to fix things, including relationships. I'm learning to set up boundaries that teach me sometimes it's time to move on.

How to Deal with Conflict in Relationships

Everyone has conflict in some relationships in life, at least if my blog posts are any indication. A search for blog posts about conflict displays some of the top posts, including: Dealing with Difficult People - How to Deal with Conflict.

What do we do with people in our lives? My executive coach once asked me: "What's your greatest stressor at work?" I responded immediately: "People!"

In the world of the Church there is conflict because the Church is full of people….sinful people….flawed people…..human beings. That could be said of every place - every business - because every business deals with people. Conflict surrounds us because we're surrounded by people.

What I know is that conflict won't just go away. It can't be ignored if I want to get through it. I'm not suggesting I've been able to apply these principles and axioms perfectly, but I do know they work.

1. I deserve what I tolerate. This made my top 50 thoughts, axioms, pieces of wisdom and leadership principles I posted for my 50th birthday just a few days ago. It doesn't mean that all conflict will go away. It also doesn't mean that if there is conflict, I must conclude that I deserve it. It does mean that if I don't walk into the fog of the conflict that I do deserve the resulting infection.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you,

live at peace with everyone.

Romans 12:8

Some relationships will simply be conflicted because of personalities, values or a host of other issues. But when I refuse to walk into the conflict, not with harshness or an "I'm right" attitude, but with grace, then I deserve what I get from that relationship.

When we refuse to walk in, it will only get worse.

2. Own what is mine. Jesus had a marvelous insight into conflicted relationships:

In Luke 6:42, He counsels: How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? you hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Before walking into that fog, it's best to ask and answer this question: "What do I own in this conflict?"

I've had my share of conflicts with staff, church members and acquaintances. One memorable one confronted me with a list of complaints. In a conversation with my supervisors they asked what complaints I had, trying to sort it out. My response was: "Let me share with you the 3 things that I have done which have contributed to the conflict."

Conflict will only be dealt with by looking inward first. We always have things to own because not only does each of us have a difficult person, we ARE a difficult person to someone else.

3. Know when to walk away. Unfortunately, not everyone wants to figure out a way forward in relationships and sometimes you have to walk away. I'm a "fix-it" guy and this pains me greatly. For me it's more about ego - that I have to admit I can't "fix-it."

It's the old adage: "You'll never please everyone, only some people some of the time."

I had someone say to me: "We'll never understand each other because you're an athlete and I'm not, you're from the city and I'm not…." And he left the church.

A friend counseled me about a conflicted relationships: "The two of you will probably never see eye to eye." She was right. Time to move on.

What do you recommend when dealing with conflict in relationships? What's worked for you? What do you struggle with the most?

Ordinary People

Jason Gray sound check

God uses ordinary people for extraordinary things. I've said it. You've heard it. It became real again for me last night at a concert by Todd Agnew & Jason Gray @ Cornerstone. I had the chance to listen to them warm up, interacted with them casually, heard their stories during the concert and learned more about them on the drive to their hotel in Dayton in the wee hours of Monday!

Todd Agnew

Todd Agnew & Jason Gray w Spencer on percussion

They're ordinary guys - husbands, fathers, servants, musicians, followers of Jesus. They struggle with the same stuff I do. They are overjoyed with the same stuff that brings joy to my life - my kids! They love serving, helping people worship, honoring our Lord.

During the concert, Todd talked about the atmosphere being a "safe place" to share some stuff about life. As we neared the hotel I brought it up, saying: "When people ask me to describe Cornerstone I nearly always say 'It's a safe place for people to ask tough questions.'" If there's a piece of pride I could have about Cornerstone it is that. We have tried to make room for ordinary people to ask questions, the questions that keep them up at night; the confusing questions they wrestle with; the questions that have no answers.

Mark & Debbie Peters w Jason Gray

Jason and I talked about that last one on the ride. We both enjoy reading and of the different authors we both read, one favorite in common is Philip Yancey. He's not afraid to ask difficult questions and not come to a clear answer by the end of a book. Where he does come to that we both appreciate is a trust and faith in God who holds both the questions and the answers together.

Ordinary guys seeking to serve Jesus. Christian music stars who miss being around their families. Todd who calls his wife, first thing after a concert - family first, fans second. Jason who follows his wife's direction for sleep instead of a phone call. Smart man!

I appreciated hearing about struggles, ways God is growing their hearts, difficulties that some would use as excuses (like Jason's stuttering). Sometimes we raise people up on a pedestal, thinking they're different from the rest of us. I do it. Then I watch Jason kneel down in front of Drew, a young man disabled in a car wreck four years ago. He's a Jason Gray fan. Nobody else needed to see it, just Jason, Drew and Drew's parents. Ordinary people serving with what God has given.
One of my swim coaches reminded us about the competition - "they put their pants on the same way you do, one leg at a time." Every athlete I know has been injured - some choose to work through it - some choose to use it as an excuse. Every Christian I know wrestles with the same stuff - temptations, realizing how much they don't know, the memory of poor choices, wanting to grow in the discipline of prayer, burdened by concerns, missing family. Every marriage has the same issues. Every teenager feels the same way.

You are ordinary. I am too. We each have talents and gifts, God created, God given through Jesus. What will we do with them? We can allow the difficult things of life to make us think we're different, that the universe is against us. Or we can realize our shortcomings and fears and concerns remind us that we're human, and choose to give ourselves grace for the journey. God can do amazing things when ordinary people say, "Here I am Lord, send me."

w Jason Gray

Agree to Disagree?

We'll just have to agree to disagree.

What's the saying: "I'll never please everyone, I'll only please some people some of the time." That's a reality in living with human beings - whether it's in marriage, in a small group, in a division at work, in a company or in the spiritual community of a church. I think it's even a reality when I'm having a converastion with me! I'm not always pleased with myself.

Everyone has someone who is a difficult person in life. Everyone is a difficult person to someone else. This phrase, "We'll just have to agree to disagree" doesn't find a lot of agreement in my life. Not that I don't agree it's sometimes the end point, I mean in practical terms like: "I feel good about leaving things here." I don't.

Communication is difficult between two people, in organizations, around small groups and in front of the mirror. People define words differently. Our hearing is skewed by past experiences as well as knowledge and pride. Sometimes we listen to someone else's words through a filter of distrust: "They're up to something. They're trying to be sneaky."

I don't like it when I'm not in agreement with my wife. I don't like it when I'm not in agreement with my staff. I don't like it when I'm not in agreement with people in the congregation. It irritates me. But it's why it irritates me that really irritates me. At least I think so!!

I believe I'm irritated by ending at this place because of ego. Plain and simple. How can someone disagree with my position! What arrogance - on my part. But that's it in a nutshell. At some level, we all think everyone should think like we do. My bent toward competition makes me think that at a higher level than normal.....and it's ego. I'm sure it's a combination of "I like to be liked" as well as "I like to be right." Either taken to an extreme isn't helpful.

I read Egonomics this summer. It contained some powerful lessons that led to some some difficult changes in my life - changes that I'm still living into. On page 29 I captured this quote:

If we lead with questions rather than answers, curiosity can strip us of an agenda and stop us from holding so tightly to our own ideas and beliefs that we aren't able to consider others. (Read more on my summer sabbatical blog - Ego, Ego - Friend or Foe?,  Being Effective or Being Right?)

Curious people create opportunities for open communication. Combined with humility, curiosity brings ego into check by insisting that together the team can create something better than one individual can do on their own.

I'm just not agreeable to leaving it at "let's agree to disagree." But I also know it's impossible to agree without everyone all the time.

From one who is still growing and learning.

Everything does NOT happen for a reason

I've heard it over and over from Rio - "everything happens for a reason." Usually it's from someone who didn't win a medal but sometimes from those who did. But I hear it all around, from non-athletes commenting about life.

Everything happens for a reason is a LIE! It's simply not true.

This is the phrase used to make ourselves feel better that there must be a reason for something that didn't work out; or something horrible that happened. We say it in hopes that Someone is in charge of everything. If Someone is not in charge, what's the meaning of life!

Everything doesn't happen for a reason because: It would mean that every evil act originated in the mind of God before it came to be in the actions of mass murderers, rapists and pedophiles. If it happens for a reason then that Someone must have planned it. This simply is not true.

Someone is not responsible for planning the difficult, evil, bad things that happen in our world. But someone (notice the small "s") is.

Ok, everything DOES happen for a reason, sort of. Let's take the Rio Olympics for instance.

People don't win gold medals for a great cosmic reason. They win because they were the best on that day at that moment thanks to an enormous amount of hard work and discipline. That's the reason they win.

People don't lose races because Someone has a cosmic grand plan and picks who wins and loses, like manipulating Marionettes. They lose because they weren't the best on that day at that time; they lose because someone else cheated; the lose because of a mistake on that day. That's the reason they lose.

So, sure, everything happens for a reason but that's not the way we use the phrase. We use it as a way to have an answer for things that have no answers. We use it so that we can blame something other than ourselves.

Why do some things happen:

• Some people do stupid things. Take #LochMess for instance. There were some stupid choices made. Irresponsible decisions. None of this happened for a reason.

• Some people are evil. The Holocaust did not happen for a reason. It happened because someone decided to set himself up as god. When people do that, bad things happen.

Here's the truth: God will use everything if we'll trust Him to do it.

We learn more from the difficult circumstances and our poor decisions than from the other things in our lives. I hate that that is the case but it's true.

I don't know how God does it but He can bring good things out of the worst of circumstances. I have stories. You may have stories. But not everyone has stories.

I think it's mostly in the way we respond to the difficult and evil things that happen to us or are caused by our stupid choices. 

If we believe that each mistake, each evil, each loss is a final statement about who we are, we may not recover. "I did something stupid" becomes "I am stupid." 

However, if we believe that those things happened but are not the final say, merely a chapter rather than the end of the book, then we can recover. "I did something stupid" becomes "let's not do it again."

This is by no means a thorough discussion of the topic. Perhaps it's a stab at hope for a man and some other young men who blew it in different ways. I hope it won't be approached as the end of the book. I always believe there's hope, that there's always the possibility of change, because God can work good things out of anything if we'll let Him.

Do I Have to Grow Up?

Everybody I know loves to: graduate from high school and become more independent - turn 21 and be legal - begin doing more and more things on their own. Growing up is the natural and normal thing to do in life. We are supposed to mature. It's normal. Of course, once we get there we usually realize we don't enjoy all the responsibility that goes along with our independence, but that's the way it goes.

I am beginning to meet with people around Cornerstone's 20th Anniversary in 2013. It's hard to believe it's been 20 years since I helped make phone calls to get the word out that a new church was starting in West Chester, Ohio. Someone came up with an idea: what if we think in terms of growing up, taking more responsibility, maturing, moving on as we turn 20?

What does it mean for a Christ-follower or a Church to grow up? To move from milk to solid food? It's been a question from the earliest days of the Church:

In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God’s word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! - Hebrews 5:12

Peter Scazzero authored a book about church health called The Emotionally Healthy Church. As I worked my way through an issue of Leadership Journal on Transformation, I came upon an interview with Peter. This paragraph struck me:

But people were not changing deeply. It really showed when there was stress and conflict in the church. It was clear to me that we had a big problem......We had a lot of people saying they were on fire for Jesus, but they were still arrogant, still proud, stull nursing conflicts like they were 12 years old. I thought to myself, Something's not right here. (italics his)

Scazzero goes on to talk about the need to, as a leader, look inside first and then he talks about his need and desire for people to "grow up" in the Christian faith. It wasn't happening and it bugged him. It bugs me.

When Christ-followers encounter "stress and conflict" in their lives, in their church, in their work or family, sometimes there is an ugly display of unChristian behavior that betrays their claim to be Followers. Saved maybe, but transformed - evidence says no. When people turn to Facebook and Twitter to let everyone know how "pissed off" they are and how horrible someone else is, it is evidence that transformation has not happened. It makes me wonder where we went wrong - where I went wrong - where the Church around the world has gone wrong.

Where did we go wrong in helping people grow up spiritually?

The Book of Galatians gives a great list by which to judge our own lives, showing where we're growing up or staying put, mired in the muck of sin.

The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. 

Galatians 5:19-21

It has been said that character is not so much developed as it is exposed during difficult times. Whether it's the athlete getting beat, the illness that suddenly strikes, the tragedy caused by evil that jumps into our lives, how we have developed our character will show. When we are vulnerable, who are we? Too many church-goers and Christ-followers are defined by this first list in Galatians.

The untransformed life is characterized by these things. Disagreements, sure. Difficulties, no doubt a reality with human beings doing life together. But what then?

Weekend worship attendance 2-3 times a month won't bring the kind of transformation Jesus intends. When a family gives up church for sports, what foundation is provided when the sports are over? The temporal excitement of now can cut the legs out from the bliss of eternity. There is no such thing as part-time discipleship.

Thankfully, there's more to the story. There's another list that describes a different path to pursue. 

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. - Galatians 5:22-23a

Two key points help unlock this list for me: 1) these character traits are the natural result of the presence and work of God's Spirit in our lives. These are not things we have to force to grow in our lives. We might practice some spiritual disciplines to help support their growth but they are the result of living a life connected to Jesus. 2) this is one fruit demonstrated nine ways. The ultimate fruit of the Spirit is love - that's the way the Greek words it. Everything flows from love.

The key for me is staying connected to a small group. I love those in my group. They laugh at me when I'm trying to fake it. They support me when I'm struggling. They challenge me as I try to grow my faith. They tell me the truth. I can't do life without them.

Are you growing up or staying put? What character was revealed the last time you encountered stress or difficulty in your life? Those who pursue Jesus will be revealed in the end. Those who don't - the same is true.

17 Weeks to Christmas - A 1st World Problem

I've seen some recent posts about so many Fridays until Christmas. Some big box stores have a few Christmas things peering out of the shadows. I heard a business news report last week that people are using layaway more frequently than in recent years, preparing for Christmas.

Now is the time to decide what Christmas will be for you this year. For the past 12 years, Christmas has taken on a new focus for me. Live more simply so that others might simply live. Christmas consumerism is a 1st world problem. Christmas Day for most, while perhaps a day of celebration and some special times, is another day to live even while celebrating God's gift of life. It's not full of presents. It's not an overabundance of food.

House renovations versus living in a house

Car repairs versus owning a car

Having "nothing to wear" versus having 2 sets of clothes - 

one for church & one for the other days

Honestly, most of what we plan for, what we fret over, what we rejoice in are 1st world problems. We overindulge in an overabundance of things we don't need. It becomes clear when we move - and purge - and find things we no longer use, had forgotten about and didn't need in the first place. Our overindulgence leads to debt, obesity, lethargy and loneliness. What we hoped would fill our lives ends up taking life from us.

How will Christmas be different for you this year? With 17 weeks to go, here are some thoughts:

1 Decide to stay out of debt. Giving gifts you can't afford, and some of those to people you don't even like, isn't what makes Christmas. If your love language is receiving gifts, this could be difficult for you. Decide how you'll give gifts while avoiding debt. Start by decreasing the number of gifts.

2 Plan family time. The focus on presents and the spending of dollars to get them has the tendency to push family aside instead of bring them together. Instead of a wrapped present, do something together: go to an IMAX movie; see a Christmas season play like A Christmas Carol. Spend your dollars on something that creates a memory rather than ripped wrapping paper and trash.

3 Sponsor a needy child or family. We started this tradition over a decade ago, where some of our Christmas savings goes to support a child in Haiti through Starfish Kids. It doesn't matter which Operation Christmas Child (better hurry on this one for this year). Find a local family to sponsor with a meal and some gifts. You might plan on serving a Christmas Day meal at a homeless shelter instead of overindulging at home.

organization you choose, just choose one. Fill some shoe boxes for

4 Give away 1/2 of your normal spending. This is the method I've used in The Live Simply Project over the past decade. We have the privilege and responsibility to use our overabundance of resources to serve those around us, and across the world. Here are some ways to do that: sponsor a child, simply give the dollars to a worthy organization, save the dollars for a mission trip next summer. 

Some people need to simply cut back on what they spend. Some would benefit more from re-purposing their normal spending to focus on family and others. Do something different this year. Make a difference. If filling our lives up with stuff - through gifts - made us happy and filled our lives, we'd be the happiest and most fulfilled people ever. A fulfilled life doesn't come from what we get or possess but from what we give and the people with whom we do life.

Christmas in the U.S. is a 1st world problem. How will you solve it this year?

Lessons from a Ditch Digger

We had a mostly good Spring and Summer in 2013.

Packing and moving had its good and bad points. Whoever says they like to pack up a house is demented! We got rid of a lot of stuff, reminding us that while we advocate living more simply, we have a long way to go to live more simply so others might simply live.

Getting the privilege of purchasing a house rather than living in a church parsonage has been awesome - mostly. We've always put sweat equity into each house, part of our ministry back.

We moved at the end of June, had two great Sundays @ The Park, two weeks later I left for Russia and the World University Games (see post FISU). I returned from my "hobby job" to the "real job" but soon encountered a "new job." There were no Trustees to call, but there were good friends.

At 3 p.m. on that Tuesday, after receiving 2 inches of rain in an hour, we found water seeping into our walk-out basement. Just seeping, not flooding, but still quite a nuisance. For a house sitting on a hill, nicely sloped away in front and back, it was baffling, frusting, irritating and completely nauseating! So I began digging, doing whatever I had to to get the water away from the house.

Here's some of what I learned in my unexpected job as a ditch digger.

1. The cause is not usually near the presenting problem. When the flower bed between the stone patio and the house was filled with water for days on end, it's a problem. But that's not where the real problem is. The first order of business was getting the water away from the house, so we dug a 50 foot ditch through clay and rock. Up near the house, after removing 5 stones from the patio (something about the number of stones and conquering that which is bigger than you are seems awfully familiar), we found a crushed drain tile. We opened it up and everything drained. The bottom of the yard was a budding mosquito birthing unit.

Still the water flowed - and flowed - and kept flowing.

Finally after 3 weeks we found the culprit that caused all the issues - a tree root enjoying the spring water flowing through a storm water pipe had grown to 7 feet when stretched out on the ground. That spot was 75 feet from the crushed tile we initially uncovered.

When something infiltrates our lives, the cause is probably a good distance away. In Galatians 6:7 we read:

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked.

A man reaps what he sows."

Here's an adage to live by: we reap WHAT we sow, MORE than we sow and LATER than we sow. Plant corn and you expect corn, not apples. There's a distance from the planting to the harvest. There's a separation between the problem and the cause. It's not always right in front of your face. The presenting issue is not the problem, it's only a symptom. Marriages don't fail in one day. The problems are cumulative. The drain gets clogged with junk, eventually poisoning the relationship.

Lately we've watched Justin Bieber & Miley Cyrus implode. It didn't happen overnight and what we're witnessing is the result of something else.

There are times when I don't believe a problem can be blamed on the principle of reaping and sowing. Someone else's sin can cause pain in our lives. Another's determination to identify you as poison isn't a "reaping and sowing" moment. It's probably more of a "I deserve what I tolerate" axiom.

2. Watch out! There are very few honest people in the world. I had no less than 5 companies come give me their opinion and estimates on dealing with this problem. No one dug. No one wondered. They just wanted to dig. Estimates ranged from $4500 to $11,000 for anything from a sump pump, 2 sump pumps to tiling the entire house again (we already have tile inside and out). One guy said to the

eventual "honest guy" - "you could have made some money on that job." Instead, the "honest guy," Don, wants to make a living but not at the expense of people. I'll never use another plumber as long as he's in business. $535 and the problem has been solved. I've already recommended him to 2 others.

My last day at my previous job, no less than 12 people said to me: "Thank you. We always got openness and honesty from you." Had it been said in a group, I would have been suspect but these were individuals. It was one of the best days of my life. Be honest. Be transparent. Tell the truth. The truth always comes out so you might as well start with it. Could it be difficult? Certainly. Might there be consequences? Yes. But the consequences of lying or shading the truth are much more painful.

Honest people are hard to find. My character flaw - ok, one of them - is that I trust people. I believe they actually are telling me the truth. This "new job" was yet another wake up call.

3. Patience wins the day. The first three days of my "new job" were less than pleasant. I was a bit jet-lagged to be sure, but more than that I was thinking about the implications of water in the basement, even a little water. While I immediately called water experts, I wasn't satisfied they had the answer - besides, I didn't have the money! I called friends - landscapers, talked with neighbors, a computer salesman (hey, I'd go to anyone!). I fretted like I've never fretted before but I knew we hadn't found the issue yet.

I tend to jump into a problem and just start doing something. That was not the way to deal with this issue, as my lovely wife gently encouraged me. I knew the water needed to get away from the house, but after that, I just wasn't sure.

"Bear in mind that our Lord's patience means salvation."

2 Peter 3:15 

When we are patient we are imitating God. My fretting did nothing except stress out my family and cause me some heart-burn! Patience is the highway of salvation - God's patience with us. The best solutions come at the end of our patience.

So if a problem surfaces in your life, look around, but not right around. Look far around. The cause is likely not right next to where you are now. Then start digging and learning!

How to Move On Well

4 years ago my son and I made a decision to change swim teams. We weren't upset by the one we were leaving. We were going to one where the vast majority of his high school teammates swam with a club team. It was also closer and cheaper. But it was a tough choice. The team we were leaving I had swum for, coached with and was a parent for 6 or 7 years.

So I called his coach and told him what was going on. No problems. Nothing to complain about. Just a move that we felt was best for the family. While disappointed he understood.


At the next swim meet a coach and friend from another team came up to me and said: "That's so hard on a coach when a family switches teams." I knew he was right. It happens to Pastors all the time.

It's not always springtime for planting in our lives. There is a normal, natural cycle of Fall which brings the harvest. Change is not abnormal but there are so many ways we mess it up. I think I've learned some (did you notice those words of uncertainty - "think" - "some") better ways to move forward in our lives.

I have found some ways to guard my heart when change comes, as it always does. These things help me, I think, live redemptively with others, especially when change comes over a disagreement. Too many people blow up relationships when it isn't necessary. These steps are helpful.

1. Speak the truth...

My call to the swim coach was difficult. I was not looking forward to it. His graciousness helped afterwards, and we remain friends to this day. He inquires how my son is swimming. I ask about his family. Our relationship has changed but there remains a positive connection. 

I think another way to say that is "own your choice." Our culture loves to pass the buck of responsibility. Speak the truth. "I'm leaving because of......"


2. To the person(s) involved...

Cornerstone is going through the Book of Acts in worship right now. In chapter 4 the first persecution breaks out against the new church. It's significant that the persecution leads to prayer, not Facebook and Twitter.

Social Media has given us an electronic tongue. In the Bible, James talks about the power of the tongue:

"With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. ¹⁰ Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be." (James 3:9-10)

When we make a change in our lives and it involves leaving some people or a person, communication helps the change be redemptive instead of automatically destructive.

Triangulation with others about a 3rd person is neither Christian nor helpful. A good friend uses this phrase: "Stay in the room." Stay connected. Stay engaged in relationship even when a change is being chosen. It's redemptive that way. It honors the name of Jesus.

When we don't speak truth to the people involved and instead turn to electronic gossipping, the Kingdom is hurt. Jesus was clear that a main tool of His in evangelizing the world is the love shown between followers of Jesus (John 13). The way we talk about and care about other Christ-followers is a statement about the character of Jesus. It's really important.

3. With humility that you don't know everything

Departures sometimes occur because people don't realize that they don't know everything. Something happens - you liked a coach, a staff person, a co-worker - and that person is gone. Humility helps us remember that we don't have all the pieces to the puzzle and without those pieces we won't see the whole picture. 

It's disappointing that in many cases the actions of the departing party discredits all the previous good they have accomplished. The first two steps help keep the good track record intact.

4. Don't take it personally

This is a recent lesson that has been freeing for my life. I have learned and continue to peel back the layers of the Q-TIP principle - Quit Taking It Personally. There is so much more to learn. It's an every day, every conversation destroyer of relationships. God continues to draw back the curtain, allowing me to see the far reaching impact of this disease.

Change happens. If you make a mistake that caused the change, learn from it but don't hold onto it.

This is a growing edge. You can read some of my blogging this summer as this lesson started to take hold in my life. (Q-TIP, Ego, In Touch with Reality, Endings & Beginnings). Henry Cloud's book Necessary Endings was very helpful. I continue to re-read my notes.

These steps have helped me guard my heart - when I apply them! Choosing not to follow any one of them puts a deadly seed in my heart that can poison every relationship around me. I've seen enough of that for a lifetime. Now it's time to change!

#5 - 1st Mission Trip (The Year of 52)

Looking back on our lives we can all see those watershed events, the times that change our lives. Our lives are made of the tapestry of chance encounters and the paths we chose or left untouched. 1979 was my watershed event with my first mission trip, which just happened to take me outside the country for the first time, to Haiti.

God used this time to make a such a significant impact on my life that 24 years later when offered the opportunity to teach in Haiti, I didn't have to think twice. I clearly remembered at that time - and remember today - taking off from Haiti on a sweltering summer day, as the wheels left the one runway, saying in my heart: "Lord, I want to return."

I would offer no pretense that the trip changed my everyday life right away. The usual post-trip commitments of not taking things for granted, of living more simply, quickly faded away, succumbing to advertising and the need to keep up with friends and acquaintances. There was a lasting impact, the now germinated seeds sown that color my approach to life and ministry.

Haiti is shocking to the soul. The known corruption of government officials creating a stark contrast to the extreme poverty of the greater population makes the soul sick. It hasn't gotten much better after the dictatorship of the Duvalier's. The great hope for Haiti was Aristide who seemed to be immediately corrupted by title and access to dollars, created selfish devastation rather than widespread relief.

One of my first memories from 1979 is lying in bed at the former Mexican Embassy turned mission house and hearing the voodoo drums in the distance. To a 15 year old basically innocent soul, it was frightening. I may have learned how to pray on that trip! The spiritual impact of dedicating your country to Satan for 200 years was real. (That dedication ended in 2004 and there is a positive spiritual awakening underway.)

My most vivid memory is from serving at Grace Children's Hospital, a ministry to children with tuberculosis. There a young lady named Denise became attached to me - ok, I became attached to her too! For the two days we were there I was who she wanted. I didn't complain. She grabbed my heart and God broke it on her behalf. I've not been the same since. Really.

My impressions of Haiti from that first trip haven't changed. Abject poverty is not the reason for lack of joy in your life. Family and relationships are always the most important building blocks for a full life. Jesus brings life to all while rejection of Jesus leads to temporal blessings for a few.

I continue to return to Haiti, as well as serve in mission around the world in the places where God opens doors. Where there is great spiritual oppression, there is a great awareness of other choices. Haiti is a great place for the Gospel.

Many people have asked me about the government corruption and are we wasting dollars. After all, everyone agrees that every Haitian should be a millionaire with all the dollars that have poured into the country over the decades, so much of it siphoned into the pockets of the Duvalier's and some of the subsequent leaders. This is why I have partnered with One Mission Society (OMS). They have a nearly 70 year history of consistent ministry in the country, are well known, trusted and have a network of believers from all walks of life. OMS missionaries know the culture. They know what to avoid. They know how to navigate even the most difficult of governmental red tape. And they get results.

Why go on a mission trip? Why spend the dollars? Why not serve people in our own backyard? My response is simple: It's not multiple choice. It's both and. Jesus calls us to serve people here at home, across the nation, and around the globe. Some can go. Some will send dollars. I have found that most people who argue for serving at home over global missions, often don't do much at home either. That's probably a little harsh and it betrays my passion.

I'm grateful I made that choice. The trip changed my life, for the better.

Read the other entries in this string:
The Year of 52 - The Beginning
#1 - First Childhood Memory
#2 - The Faith Journey
#3 - A "Chance" Meeting to change my life
#4 - Small Groups for life